[John Whitworth]

It seems to me the winners of the 'Alma Mater' Competition were of an almost unprecedentedly high standard, so I quite forgive Lucy for not selecting any one of the three entries I showered on her. Jim Hayes and Jerome Betys just missed the cut, though Jeremy had an excellent stanza quoted. Gail White and Chris O'Carroll won for the Sphere - and for themselves. Those of you who know not Saint Custard's, hang your heads. You've been spending far too much time reading serious literature. AND illustrations by Ronald Searle!

This week's competition will, I am sure interest you. I don't see why the Minister should not speak in verse - some of the LANGUAGE stuff eh? Didn't ee cummings enter this competition ninety years ago?


No. 2645: Language barrier
To mark the forthcoming election, you are invited to submit an example of impenetrable ministerial waffle (150 words maximum). Please email entries, where possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 28 April.

The full Alma Mater text appears in Competition: Alma Mater

[John Whitworth]

Well here's a shot in verse - because verse is what I do. Only 84 words.

Language Barrier

The Honourable Member asks
If we are equal to the tasks
That fall within the paradigm
Of matters pressing at this time
When words are cheap and only deeds
Can satisfy the Nation’s needs,
A challenge well beyond the wit
Of both the parties opposite
Whose role is but to obfuscate
And circumvent the wide debate
Your government desires to see,
In which regard we guarantee
Ongoing policy is clear
And the statistics year on year
Do quite indubitably show
This radical scenario.

[Roger Slater]

I fear we have no time to waste.
And yet we should not act in haste.
So I propose we move with speed
while taking all the time we need
to make sure that our speedy move
will not eventually prove
in twenty-twenty retrospection
a bureaucratic misdirection
leading to a grave and bloody
farce that warranted more study.
History will someday praise
the boldness of our swift delays
and how we did not hesitate
to know that it was best to wait.

[John Whitworth]

Nice one, Roger. Of course no-one who isn't a politician can spout the unmitigated, witless balls which they can all turn on like a tap. You have to be born to it. Over here, at this point in time, all parties are offering what? Fairness, that's what they are offering. Vote for us and we will give you fairness. Vote for the other lot and they will give you unfairness. It's like the women against rape - as opposed to the women for rape. Who wants to join my party. It's called the 'No we bloody well can't and you were stupid to ask' party.

[Orwn Acra]

I wrote it and realized it is neither impenetrable nor nonsense. Oh well.

...

[Jim Hayes]

Ministerial Waffle

My department is committed to relieving the pits, not ‘pit’ pits, ‘pith’ pits, or pulpits, but pits of despair, despondency, desolation, fobbed, foisted and forced on us, and this nation by my opponents, as first and foremost, and I’ll be clear, my prime concern, my only, sole concern, is your welfare, your well-being, my ministry will leave no stone unturned, no door unopened, no opportunity lost, be assured, count on, depend on me, to keep my shoulder to the last and nose to the wheel in unceasing, continued efforts, unselfishly committed without let or leave, to raise all boats for your benefit, boats, we all know, are the lifeblood of this island nation, I will invoke the long-dead spirit of the ancient, and I’ll say great, mariner, Nelson himself, to revive within us another three ‘D’s,-- dedication, determination and de will to win. My little joke.
Har har.
________________________________________

[Roger Slater]

We're studying the problem and we're crunching all the data,
consulting every expert and considering all strata,
upper class and middle class and those who are not well off,
our goal, of course, remaining to avoid a market sell-off,
and then we're holding hearings where the questioners can burrow
deeply through the issues to make sure that we are thorough
and that we've paid attention to each solitary nuance,
identifying each dispute as well as each congruence,
and then there will be give and take, addition and excision;
in short, just wait a decade and you'll have my firm decision.

[Roger Slater]

On the one hand, I agree.
But on the other hand,
there are two points of view that we
must try to understand.

Don't get me wrong. I do relate.
You might say I concur.
But open minds invite debate
or study (as it were),

and such a mind we both possess,
I feel it's safe to say,
so I agree, but can't say yes,
at least not now, today.

[Gail White]

I love the Orwn Arca piece, which sounds like both "I am the very model of a modern major general", and "I had a duck-billed platypus when I was up at Trinity." I've forgotten who wrote the latter masterpiece, though I can quote a good deal of it.

[Orwn Acra]

You know, Gail, I wrote that first line and thought it sounded familiar but didn't know why and dismissed the thought. I knew it wasn't Gilbert, who is always in the back of my mind when I write something, but someone else and now you've solved it. It's Patrick Barrington's "Diplomatic Platypus." It's very serendipitous that the two poems I've subconsciously played off of take jabs at governmental figures.