[John Whitworth]

Some rather defeatist talk about not being able to match Wendy Cope, but the winners managed it. Bill Greenwell and Jayne Osborn were our children in paradise. Congratulations to them.

One of those comps which wants prose but it won't get that from me.

NO. 2725: EARTH MOVES
You are invited to supply the sales particulars for Planet Earth (150 words max.) Please email entries, if possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk midday on 30 November.

[Roger Slater]

For sale by owner:
Planet Earth.
Give us whatever
You think it's worth.

Not far from Venus,
Convenient to Mars.
Private. Secluded
From neighboring stars.

Sleeps seven billion.
School districts? All.
Seasons boast winter,
Summer, spring, fall.

Reliable orbit,
Beautiful moon.
Make us an offer.
We need to move soon.

[Martin Elster]

Good one, Roger. Here's one I just came up with.

Earth For Sale

We’ve just received our largest shipment ever of blue skies.
***Come check them out before you leave the system!
But if, instead of atmosphere, you crave a nice sunrise,
***We’ve got so many styles. In fact, I'll list ’em:

The types from airborne particles or molecules of air,
***Volcanic ash trapped in the troposphere,
And cloud and Rayleigh scattering. We guarantee you’ll stare.
***That isn’t what you want? Then do not fear —

This planet sports so many things of interest and worth:
***Countless kinds of animals and plants,
And rocks containing jewels. You never know what you’ll unearth.
***You’ll long to live here after just one glance.

Too many folks, you say? You think this planet isn't well?
***Just look around. Behold the majesty.
From Everest to Death Valley, this world has no parallel.
***Oh, please don’t go! We’ll give it to you free!

[John Whitworth]

The Free Gift idea is very enticing. I didn't pinch it Martin. Great minds, you know.

Earth Moves

We supply a planet gratis,
We supply a world for free.
Take a look around you. That is
Every bloody thing you see,

All for nix. How can we do it?
What's the secret? Where's the catch?
Trust me, friend, there's nothing to it.
Title deeds supplied you? Natch.

For the previous careful owner,
Whose instructions we include,
Is a charitable donor
Of a spotless rectitude.

King of Kings and Prince of Givers,
Freely he bequeaths to you
Mountains, valleys, oceans, rivers,
Plus a most extensive zoo.

[Martin Elster]

That's brilliant, John. I really mean it.

Available: Spaceship Earth

White Venus is too broiling,
Red Mars bone-chilling raw.
And Saturn? You’d be toiling
To lift a plastic straw.

Earth is the perfect planet,
The one with drifting plates;
Since Gravity began it,
It’s how she operates.

And then, of course, there’s water,
Quite rare on other spheres,
Without which you’d be hotter,
Steam hissing from your ears.

Earth’s many organisms
Supply her oxygen.
Without such synergisms
There’d be no finch or wren,

No primate ever natter
(Moaning about some slight
Inconsequential matter),
No skylark take to flight.

Yet Earth’s not all that pricey.
You only have to care —
For if she gets too icy
Or hot, she won’t be there!

[Jayne Osborn]

Hi Martin,

Do you mean Red Mars is much too raw. ?

My first thought was, Oh no, it's too long - but ha! this isn't the usual '16 lines max' brief, is it?
(I haven't counted, but I'm assuming it's fewer than 150 words.)

'No whale would ever fin' is a bit ...um... Ouch, sorry. And we also spell it 'pricey', though I doubt that matters an awful lot.

Good to see you getting your name in The Speccie

[Jayne Osborn]

Here's the first of two completely different attempts:

Price On Application.
We are pleased to offer this unique property with a long lease. Early viewing is highly recommended.

Constructed aeons ago, it comprises two hemispheres, with large gardens and many interesting water features. Other benefits include geothermal and solar heating, gravity and a remote location; neighbouring properties are at a substantial distance – all unoccupied – a very attractive prospect!

Large areas have undergone extensive renovation, whilst others remain in their original, unadulterated state. There is a variety of sitting tenants, some of whom are alleged to have caused damage to a layer of the space above the dwelling, but, to date, these rumours are unsubstantiated.

The upper and lower extremities are unheated, though the middle section boasts an almost constant high temperature. Outstanding beauty can be seen throughout.
Unlike other properties, a delightful atmosphere prevails, and the opportunity currently exists for domination of this des. res.

[Martin Elster]

Hi Jayne,

Thanks for your feedback. I tweaked the first stanza and line 16 is now 'There’d be no finch or wren', which I think rhymes better with 'oxygen'.

Your prose piece is really good, especially the last phrase ('the opportunity currently exists for domination of this des. res'). If aliens were to ever land here, I have no doubt they'd take over this planet and we humans would become tasty food.

[Jayne Osborn]

Thanks, Martin. Here's another attempt (and I like your revisions btw):


A whole world of opportunity has opened up, for the purchase of a run-down, totally dilapidated property sorely in need of complete restoration: ‘Planet Earth’.

Sadly, many of the original features have been removed. The dwelling has also had a number of sitting tenants over the course of several millennia who have perpetrated acts of both deliberate destruction and accidental damage, though we fully expect that the current occupants will very soon be the agents of their own annihilation. It should be noted that the removal of this encumbrance will, in itself, automatically cause a cessation of many of the problems; minimal investment, along with sympathetic renovation, is all that will therefore be required to return Planet Earth to its ‘Desirable Residence’ status of former times.

The market rarely sees such outstanding scope for an impressive transformation. We expect a great deal of interest; book your viewing now.

[Roger Slater]

This charming starter planet in an exclusive galaxy awaits the species lucky enough to snap it up and inhabit its cozy land masses, all with ocean views. Planet boasts two arctic zones, one equatorial region, and generously proportioned temperate zones. Burning core is in excellent repair. Still has its original atmosphere, but can be upgraded as desired. Has not missed a single rotation since it was built. Room for several million pools. Principles only. Interested parties should contact the owner, the People's Republic of China, to arrange a viewing.