[sericmarr]

In third person narration in prose narrative does anyone have ideas how to avoid overuse of personal pronouns???

[Jayne Osborn]

It would be helpful to actually see a piece that you consider has too many personal pronouns in it. Can you post a passage, PM or something? I'd like to help you with this one if I can

[Petra Norr]

One trick is to alternate between seeing the character from the outside and seeing things from the character's own eyes. In the latter, it becomes like we're in his head and hearing his thoughts, even though it's not stated outright that those are his thoughts. Here's an example. The first paragraph uses a lot of personal pronouns, while the second has eliminated some:

Benny went to the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator. Taking out a carton of milk, he put it to his lips and downed the contents in three gulps. Having quenched his thirst, he started to feel hungry and wondered what he should eat.

Benny went to the kitchen. The refrigerator was full stocked, so there should be something drinkable in it. He opened the door at once. No beer inside, but thank God for milk. Putting the carton to his lips, he downed the contents in three gulps. Nothing like a thirst-quencher – now what would satisfy a growling stomach?
.

[Janice D. Soderling]

Petra, that was such a good example!

[Skip Dewahl]

Now, should you wish to wax gruesome...


Benny went to the kitchen, opened the refrigerator, took out a carton of milk, put it to his lips and downed the contents in three gulps. Having quenched a thirst, he started to feel hungry and wondered what to eat, when, without warning, a strand of linked kielbasa sprang out of a platter and attached itself to his neck squeezing the carotid until his eyes bulged and the mouth gaped, while the body fell backwards onto the kitchen table, to be found an hour later with that same stare of surprised bafflement.

[sericmarr]

Jayne: This is the opening for a piece I posted in Fiction titled, "Only in LA."

Appreciate your comments;

He had given himself two hours for the drive to the UCLA campus. That should include plenty of wiggle room. He picked up a latte at the local drive through and headed out onto Katella heading towards the freeway.

He reached over, changed the radio from KRTH to KUSC then back to KRTH, unsure of what mood of music he felt like listening to.

He made a right onto the freeway onramp. His heart sunk. Bumper to bumper traffic where the traffic normally flows freely. Inching his way forward, he settled in for the long drive.


Skip: I'm a bit spooked. How did you know what my favorite lunch is???

[Jayne Osborn]

He had given himself two hours for the drive to the UCLA campus; that should include plenty of wiggle room. After picking up a latte at the local drive-through, he headed out onto Katella, towards the freeway.

Changing the radio from KRTH to KUSC - then back to KRTH - he was unsure what mood of music to listen to.

He made a right onto the freeway onramp, then his heart sank. Bumper to bumper traffic. Inching forward, he settled in for the long drive.

(I'm really sorry, but please tell me what to call you - S? Eric?)

Above is roughly how I'd edit this, with some of the extraneous words taken out, to make it more concise. For instance, you don't need 'heading out' and 'heading towards', 'he reached out', 'of what mood of music', or 'where the traffic normally flows freely' - that's implicit in 'bumper to bumper'!
'Inching forward' is self-explanatory, so I've deleted 'his way', and it's 'sank' not 'sunk' here.

Hope this helps.