[Jayne Osborn]

Here's the thread for the next Literary Review Comp. Deadline 25 January.
Send your entries for 'On the beach' to: editorial@literaryreview.co.uk

Sorry, I'm not up to kicking it off, like John does. Over to you lot!
(Who's going to be the next spherian to win £300, or £150?)

A reminder of the rules: max. 24 lines for a poem that 'Scans, rhymes and makes sense'

[Martin Elster]

October Sixth

October sixth at Hammonasset strand,
And people in the ocean. (Even I,
Who hates cold water, swam.) The azure sky,
As hazy as a day in August, sand
And sea and sun and sound of the surf breaking
And seagulls scavenging and butterflies
And bodies baking and the gulls’ harsh cries
Seem distant as the stars from autumn-raking,
Which soon will happen on suburban lawns
As surely as the wind produces waves,
As surely as birds migrate and the dawns
Grow colder and the bats seek out cool caves.
Yet here I sit in sultriness and writing
And on an apple — not a peach — am biting.

— Martin Elster (6 Oct. 2007)

[Jayne Osborn]

Martin,

Lovely sonnet. Two things struck me: First - 'Sixth' looks strange in words, for a poem's title; why not just 'October 6th'? Secondly, there are a lot of 'and's in it. In the penultimate line, athough I love 'sultriness', I wondered whether something like

Yet here I sit in contemplation, writing,
and on an apple - not a peach - am biting.

would work. It would get rid of one 'and'. Maybe you could lose another one or two?

I'd give my right arm to see you win either £300 or £150 in the LitRev sometime (well, maybe not the whole arm... )

[Martin Elster]

Thanks very much, Jayne. I am considering your suggestions, which are good as always. Please don't lose any of your limbs just to see me win one of these! When Charles Ives won the Pulitzer Prize for his 3rd Symphony, he gave the prize money away, saying "prizes are for boys, and I'm all grown up".

You had rooted for me in the cowboy poem contest and thought I had a good chance with a couple of poems, but it wasn't in the stars that time. Should I keep trying? It feels like repeatedly banging my head against the wall. I'm just kidding; I've actually only entered that one LitRev contest (though I did give it my best shot).

One thing I'm not totally sure about is what to put in the subject box when I e-mail them the poem. I assume it's "On the Beach." Is that correct?

Martin

[Martin Elster]

Revision

October 6th

October sixth at Hammonasset strand,
And people in the ocean. (Even I,
Who hates cold water, swam.) The azure sky,
As hazy as a day in August, sand
and sea and sun, the sound of the surf breaking,
Spry seabirds scavenging, the butterflies
And bodies baking, and the gulls’ harsh cries
Seem distant as the stars from autumn-raking,
Which soon will happen on suburban lawns
As surely as the wind produces waves,
As surely as birds migrate and the dawns
Grow colder and the bats seek out cool caves.
Yet here I sit in sultriness now, writing,
And on an apple — not a peach — am biting.


Jayne -- after some more thought, I decided to put back "sultriness" because I feel the couplet needs to remind the reader about the fact that this uncommon autumn day was very summer-like. So, even though I felt your suggestion about "contemplation" was good, I think "sultriness" is what is needed here.

[Jayne Osborn]

Hi Martin,
You certainly must keep trying. The odds are long, as there's only room for four poems usually, but "You've got to be in it to win it" and you have as much chance as anyone else.

I usually put the month and the subject in the box, so for this one
December Competition: On the beach will suffice.

[Jean L. Kreiling]

Hi, Jayne--

I haven't entered one of these before, and I have a couple of questions:

1. Are there further guidelines, besides what's in your post? I didn't see any more info at the LitRev website.

2. May one enter more one poem in the same competition?

Thanks.

Best,
Jean

[John Whitworth]

I hope Jayne will forgive me, but I know the answer to both of these questions.

1. No there aren't.
2. You may enter TWO poems. I don't know how I know this but I do.
3. You didn't ask this but I don't think you are eligible for big bucks unless you subscribe, only the tenners. An online subscription is cheaper and sufficient. The book reviews are quite good in my opinion - worth the money.

[Roderic Vincent]

Hotel

Internet access with broadband and wifi;
we want to inform you but never intrude.
Mobile phone network in every location,
the air waves more crowded than cars on the road.

Chargers, adaptors are spread like spaghetti,
the modern executive always in reach.
Push the red button, record your own greeting
your mother can call you when you’re on the beach.

Personal digital friend to assist you,
each juicy new message a blackberry treat.
Human touch waiters like silver tray postmen
cancel your loneliness, it’s obsolete.

[Ann Drysdale]

Just a personal take on the rhymes.

Intrude/road. A perfectly acceptable half-rhyme. Didn't question it as I read it.

Reach/beach - obvious but much better that way round than the other and the bland, matter-of-factness suits the conceit of the poem.

Treats/(obso)lete. No! I can't live with a plural that doesn't have to be there when it skews that rhyme so totally. Could you re-think along the lines of "juicy new message, a Blackberry treat" ?

This is a neat poem and too good to spoil.