Speccie Competition Earth Moves
Competition: Earth Moves
LUCY VICKERY
SATURDAY, 10TH DECEMBER 2011
In Competition No. 2725 you were invited to supply the sales particulars for planet Earth.
‘Need a home where you can really spread yourself?’ asks George Simmers. ‘It’s the ideal residence for the adventurous virus with an urge to propagate. There’s a comfily warm and humid climate in most parts of the planet (And it’s getting warmer! Fantastic!) Potential hosts abound.’ What’s not to like?
Equally persuasive and slippery of tongue were John Plowman, Tracy Davidson, Frank Upton and Adrian Fry. But those who most successfully accessed their inner estate agent are printed below and get £30 each. This week’s top dog is Brian Murdoch, who pockets the bonus fiver.
Situated in the highly sought-after Goldilocks zone of the Solar System, Earth is an inner-system detached bijou planet, highly suitable for the first-time-evolved buyer. Outbuildings include a charming and well-kept moon, for which planning permission has been applied for to convert to an ancestor flat; some manufactured orbiting objects are also included in the price. Earth benefits from an integral ®Volcano heating system, an especially ample water supply, and is constructed on several levels, making it absolutely ideal for any homeothermic bi- or multipedal species impervious to alpha, beta and gamma radiation. The property also boasts some delightful retro features, such as a number of resident and largely malevolent deities. The fixed price takes into account the fact that the ozone roof requires some attention. The property is handy for most of the galaxy, and affords stunning views of Orion and Cassiopeia to the rear.
Brian Murdoch
Desirable mature planet with wealth of period features, in ideal tranquil situation between Mars and Venus, and convenient to both, benefitting from extensive galaxy views and established orbit. The Planet comprises landscaped water features and large variety of elevated land forms, currently maintained by sitting tenants. Deceptively spacious accommodation includes temperate and tropical climes plus two unique polar regions. Own Moon with potential for development as 2nd home/annexe for dependants, accessed via private transport links.
Some maintenance required to ozone layer and central heating systems (currently inclined to overheating and excessive hot air), and ample scope for replumbing/drainage improvements. Renewal of traditional glaciers would considerably enhance the property.
Ripe for imaginative redevelopment, Planet Earth offers potential as a spectacular leisure complex or retail opportunity, subject to planning consents, for the discerning developer with an eye to growth.
D.A. Prince
A unique opportunity to acquire this delightful quasi-semi-detached globular-type property, with stunning views of the moon, stars and deep space. Fabulous mountain ranges with superb vistas and easy access by quaint, extinct glaciers; scenic dry river beds. Quiet, reclusive neighbours. Solar-powered central heating almost throughout, within easy reach of local multiverse, own eco-system, entirely self-regulating, some green sites still available, and even more brownfield sites with unlimited planning permission. Extensive opportunities for refurbishment of drains, water mains and plumbing. Some small, exotic, natural jungles cleansed of dangerous wildlife. Human inhabitants need some attention. This eco-friendly property has been lovingly restored over many years by enthusiastic locals and featured on the popular TV programme Grand Designs. Won the Best Inhabited Planet Award ad00. Various seas, oceans, all of them increasing in size and depth.
Glorious climate is always picturesque. No chain. Freehold. Would suit sailor type with ark-building skills.
Josh Ekroy
Twenty-four-hour turnaround possible on divinely built Human Family dwelling conveniently located for stellar nurseries in desirable Milky Way Galaxy.BANNED POST Acc. comprises five continents, some interlinked, all with en-suite bath/waste-disposal. Period features retained inc. Triassic coral and Silurian mountains. Baking and freezing amenities. Natural larder and oil/gas storage facilities. Gulf Stream temp control, Coriolus Effect air con. Latest Greenhouse Gas heat retention system. Present owners have carried out sensitive development in the grounds inc. long Oriental Wall. Potential for extending living space if ornamental ponds partially reclaimed.
Translations of particulars available in Ganymedish and Alpha Centaurian.
John Samson
RUIN OF THE WEEK
Here’s one that provides a unique opportunity for a buyer with sufficient time, patience and financial means to acquire a compact planet favourably situated in the solar system with oxygen-rich atmosphere and a wide variety of natural resources. While the architecture features both classic and cutting-edge design, some parts of the property are in serious need of repair and modernisation; also the new owner will need to arbitrate a number of legally complex issues among the sitting tenants.
On the positive side, the title is clear as the vendors, I Am That I Am Inc., were responsible for building the property and it has remained in their possession since before the beginning of time. Though they cannot offer vacant possession, the sale is freehold and without restrictive covenants, while Earth’s poets and painters have lauded its aesthetic appeal (see auction catalogue). No reserve.
Basil Ransome-Davies
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