New Statesman -- phrase-book winners
No 4233
Set by Leonora Casement
This week we asked for entries from a (bad) English phrase-book for foreign tourists visiting well-known tourist destinations in Britain. Back in the 1950s, a similar comp elicited the following for visitors to the Royal Academy: “I have lost my husband (wife) in the Sculpture Hall. I think he (she) is studying a Nymph (Satyr).” And for those braving a summer break in a holiday camp: “Ho ho, you are merry ones to fling me with my bed into the pool, ho ho!”
This week’s winners
Well done. We were unsure whether this competition would translate to 2012, but you seem to have managed. We were sorry to lose Sylvia Fairley’s Houses of Parliament (“Is this where your leaders vote with their members?”), Sid Field’s Tube (”May I have an oystercatcher to use on the London Underground?”) and D A Prince’s Collegiate Church of St Peters at Westminster(“I would like to see all your politicians dead in Westminster Abbey”). Hon menshes to those three. £25 each to Bill Greenwell and Frank Osen, with £15 going to M E Ault, Chris O’Carroll and Paul Holland. The Tesco vouchers go in addition to Frank Osen for excellence over and above the call of duty . . .
British Museum
Where are the marbles? May we play with them?
National Gallery
Where is the Sainsbury Wing? I must buy groceries.
I have lost my husband. Have you seen him? He likes paintings of nude women.
Hyde Park
I wish to experience Speakers’ Corner. What is the programme there today?
A street market
Have you oranges for phoning?
M E Ault
Windsor Castle
I am possessed of a burning desire to see the royal blazon: where may I set it alight?
Stonehenge
I wish to scratch the surface of the stones; where may I mark them most easily?
Holyrood Palace
I have a taste for photos of your big fish; where may I shoot salmond?
Clifton Suspension Bridge
Where is for tourists the best jumping-off place?
Alton Towers
We please wish to be taken for a complete ride.
St Paul’s Cathedral
My children wish to occupy the dome: is there a charge?
No 10
I would like to see (meet) the coalition; I am attracted to the new statesman.
Bill Greenwell
Stonehenge
It’ll look nice when it is finished.
Is this where the Rolling Stones are buried?
British Library
I think it has a blue (red) cover.
Angel of the North
What semaphore letter is that?
Paul Holland
Stonehenge
Which of these stones is the one that visitors kiss?
Trafalgar Square
Now that I have killed these plump pigeons, where shall I cook them?
The London Eye
Due to motion sickness and vertigo, I have vomited high above your city.
Chris O’Carroll
British Library Reading Room
Have you seen a child ride through here on a blue (red/orange) skateboard within the last hour?
So that’s what you call high-impact glass?
I would like as many books as will fit in this suitcase.
You may take these, I have removed all of the pages I need.
I am an amateur editor (illustrator), as you can tell from these felt-pen embellishments.
Alas, I’ve written no books, so I have autographed the wall.
Thank you, Reading Room! You’ve been great! Can I hear you say yeah?
Your security personnel are very efficient, if somewhat humourless.
Frank Osen
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