[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4283
By Leonora Casement
We want examples of a remark overheard at a party that makes you wish you hadn’t come.
Max ten attempts by 11 July comp@newstatesman.co.uk

[Ann Drysdale]

I think "Ann Drysdale was a UKIP candidate" is near the top of my list. (Eh, John?)

[John Whitworth]

Better than ' Ann Drysdale was a down-market prostitute'. Or would they be two ways of saying the same thing?

You weren't, were you. A UKIP candidate, I mean. I would have voted for you.

[Ann Drysdale]

No, I jolly well wasn't. Well, not a UKIP candidate anyway. That's why it was such a disturbing thing to have overheard...

[Nigel Mace]

This is too easy - any variation on,

"Let me introduce you to Tony/Margaret/ano" - fill in as best fits. Before John says it, I'd include "You must meet Nigel" - Farage, of course.

[John Whitworth]

I've heard there will be Scottish dancing later on. Everybody joins in.

We all have to put our car keys in a pot for some reason.

Guess what? We're going to play charades.

There's a full selection of wines, sprout, beetroot, rhubarb and parsnip.

[Rob Stuart]

‘Does anyone know what time the transsexual strippers are on?’

‘Boa constrictors get a bad press, of course, but I’ve never seen any reason not to let ours just roam around the house. And kids just love him...’

‘Gosh, Count, that is an unusual looking cake. Black icing, too many candles to count and what’s that red stuff in the middle? Some kind of jam, presumably...?’

‘You can say what you like about Hitler, but at least he exterminated millions of people...’

‘We’re just waiting for Barry to make us up to thirteen and the invocation of His Satanic Majesty can begin.’

‘I must say, I’m a bit disappointed with the size of these girls’ tits.’
‘Me too, vicar.’

‘Another bottle of Malibu! No, no-one’s brought anything else, but that’s okay...’

‘And who have you come as? No, let me guess... Peter Sutcliffe?’

‘Finish your lollipop, darling, it’s nearly time for the wet t-shirt contest.’

‘Yes, it’s a car-swapping party. Everyone’s wives go into a bowl, right...’

[Douglas G. Brown]

"I hope that everyone likes vegan cuisine and non-alcoholic beer."

"Their Great Dane peed all over the carpet this morning, but it seems to be pretty well dried out now."

"I saw my doctor yesterday, and he told me that I have to have the other one removed immediately."

"There hasn't been a single drive-by shooting on this street for nearly a week."

"At eight o'clock the Amway presentation will begin."

"It's really great to finally be out of prison!"

"Fluffy has just turned seventeen. Aside from some bowel control issues, she's still as healthy as a kitten."

[Adrian Fry]

Now this is a comp we really have had many times before. But I suppose there are always new social horrors to chronicle.

'You haven't seen my last two holidays. Not to worry, I have them on my iphone!'

'What do I do? I'm in Compliance.'

'Frankly, I thought what Ian Brady was saying made an awful lot of sense.'

'Being in IT, I just turned Grandfather's life support off and then on again, but something must have gone wrong because . . .'

[Roger Slater]

"The hidden camera in the bathroom worked perfectly. The clips should be up on YouTube any minute."

"No, that wasn't goose pâté. It was minced cricket."

"I don't want anyone being able to testify I was here, get it? Do whatever it takes."