[Jennifer Reeser]

Les Cloches du Soir


by Marceline Desbordes-Valmore (1786-1859)


Quand les cloches du soir, dans leur lente volée
Feront descendre l'heure au fond de la vallée,
Si tu n'as pas d'amis ni d'amours près de toi,
Pense à moi! Pense à moi!

Car les cloches du soir avec leur voix sonore
A ton coeur solitaire iront parler encore,
Et l'air fera vibrer ces mots autour de toi:
Aime moi! Aime moi!

Si les cloches du soir éveillent les alarmes,
Demande au temps ému qui passe entre nos larmes,
Le temps dira toujours qu'il n'a trouvé que toi
Près de moi!

Quand les cloches du soir, si tristes dans l'absence,
Tinteront sur mon coeur ivre de ta présence,
Ah ! c'est le chant du ciel qui sonnera pour toi!
Pour toi et pour moi!

Quand les cloches du soir, qui bourdonne et qui pleure,
Ira parler de mort au seuil de ta demeure,
Songe qu'il reste encore une âme près de toi:
Pense à moi! pense à moi!



The Evening Bells

When evening bells, with slow and weary peals,
sound the hour down hollows of the hills,
and you find no friend’s or lover’s company,
then think of me!

Because the evening bells will sing the score,
your solitary heart will speak once more,
and the air will shake you as the words ring free:
Love me! Love me!

But if the evening bells awaken fears,
then think of all the time between our tears
and find yourself, as you search your memory,
so near to me!

When evening bells, across the lonely space,
toll my rapt heart’s chimes, I see your face.
Ah, it is the song of heaven’s harmony
for you and me!

When evening bells, that wail with every breath,
through an open window speak to you of death,
then dream of one who waits for you eternally,
and think of me!


Prose Translation


When the bells of night, with their sluggish peals
sound the hour to the bottom of the valley,
if you have no friends or lovers with you,
think of me! think of me!

Because of the bells of night with their clear voice
your solitary heart will speak again,
and the air will vibrate with words for you:
Love me! Love me!

If the bells of night awaken sudden fears
question tender time that has passed between our tears
and time will always say that he found you
near to me!

When the bells of night, so sad in the absence,
toll on my drunken heart of your presence,
Ah! it is the song of heaven which sounds for you!
For you and me!

When the bells of night, that hum and cry,
speak of death at the threshold of your house,
dream in your rest there is still a soul near you:
Think of me! Think of me!

[Jennifer Reeser]

French Operative Five, bienvenue.

When evening bells, with slow and weary peals,
sound the hour down hollows of the hills,
and you find no friend’s or lover’s company,
then think of me!



Drawing up short very well, to the pattern. This does not capture exactly the rhythm of the original, (I say “rhythm,” rather than “meter,”) which might in English best be done with something like: duh DA duh DA duh DA (/) duh DA duh DA duh DA but the form comes close enough and is effective. I would force a caesura as the author did in the opening line, which can be repeated in those subsequent lines resembling it, by adding an article before “hollows.” This is more likely to result in a reading: “SOUND the HOUR DOWN the HOLlows OF the HILLS,” and a rhythm truer to authorial intent. While I am here, let me suggest that if you want to accommodate more closely the feel of the French, you might re-hang the lines: “Whenever evening bells, with slow and weary peals / Sound the hour down the hollows of the hills…” Much of the majesty of the original comes in this stately tread, and while the translation is quite fine, it does lose a bit of its dignity by the quicker, stop-less cadence. I don’t say it is possible to maintain for every line – but here, it is so. Beautiful innovation in line three , accurate to the time period for an English version.



Because the evening bells will sing the score,
your solitary heart will speak once more,
and the air will shake you as the words ring free:

Yes. The line above and that original rhythm.

Love me! Love me!

But if the evening bells awaken fears,
then think of all the time between our tears
and find yourself, as you search your memory,
so near to me!

When evening bells, across the lonely space,

Why not maintain integrity here, with “across the absent space”? Lonely might be pushing this line toward bathos.

toll my rapt heart’s chimes, I see your face.

These staccato notes are deft, the line again bringing over the author’s fondness for caesura.


Ah, it is the song of heaven’s harmony
for you and me!

When evening bells, that wail with every breath,

Again, I counsel “Whenever evening bells, that wail with every breath.”

through an open window speak to you of death,

Authentic sonics in the above. An admirable line.

then dream of one who waits for you eternally,
and think of me!

A much too sentimental close to do justice to the author, and does a disservice to the translator, in light of the fine work which has preceded. I suggest something like:


“Then dream a soul nearby waits, tranquilly…”

The greater restraint better approximates the near-sublimity of the original conclusion, as well as condensing more of its content.

All in all, a masterful rendering. Exceptional talent on display.

[Lance Levens]

Quand les cloches du soir, qui bourdonne et qui pleure,
Ira parler de mort au seuil de ta demeure,
Songe qu'il reste encore une âme près de toi:
Pense à moi! pense à moi!

A fine attempt at a difficult piece. Not semantically difficult, but difficult because the French allows the repetition of "-oi" words as an echo; whereas in English, because it's an accentual language and French is not, the same would sound a bit like a large boot dropping on a hardwood floor. As 007 points out the translator steps over the sentimentality line with "Songe qu'il reste.." And the violation of the mood is almost a game breaker. Still, I admire this English rendering.

[Susan McLean]

I think this translation is quite good, and I disagree with the DG that it would be improved by switching from pentameter to hexameter. It is a short step from stately to soporific. Unfortunately, I find the pentameter a bit ambiguous in S4L3 and a flat-out hexameter in S5L3. I don't mind the occasional anapest, which adds a pleasing lilt, but if the reader finds the meter inconsistent, it usually feels like a mistake.

It occurs to me that if S1L4 were slightly rearranged to read "think then of me" it might put the emphasis on the "then," suggesting "that is the time to think of me." One possible suggestion for the end: "Dream that one soul still lingers loyally/and think of me."

Susan

[Catherine Chandler]

I agree that this is a fine translation. Though some liberties were taken with phrasing (esp. S2 and S4) I think it captures the essence of the original.

[Skip Dewahl]

When evening bells, with slow and weary peals,

has weary adding an extra meaning to lente "slow", where a one-word metrical equivalent like "unergetic", for instance, would fit the line.


and you find no friend’s or lover’s company,
then think of me!

These above two lines with forced rhyme are almost prosaic compared to the original's

Si tu n'as pas d'amis ni d'amours près de toi,
Pense à moi! Pense à moi!

which alliterate in d'amis ni d'amours, près de toi/Pense à moi, and evoke a refrain not far below Rossetti's ""Well, where are the snows of yester-year?"


then think of all the time between our tears
and find yourself, as you search your memory,
so near to me!

When evening bells, across the lonely space,
toll my rapt heart’s chimes, I see your face.

through an open window speak to you of death,
then dream of one who waits for you eternally,

are too far from the meaning of the original


Although this version is not bad as a revision, it still needs to take more steps before it can be considered a reasonably faithful translation of the excellent original.

[Seree Zohar]

For the most this translation has a pleasant lilt to it, and it's easy to see why DG007' suggests closer attention to the rhythm in places. I can't quite figure why S1 doesn't end as per the original with the repeated "think of me! think of me!"; but what bothers me more is the switch from threshold to window since threshold carries weightier symbolism.

[Adam Elgar]

This is a pleasing response to a tricky challenge. Poems with modest charms often depend, as here, to a large extent on the natural characteristics of the language, and this can be troublesome for translators. Here the incantatory tone is thoroughly French, and the music of a line like, "Feront descendre l'heure au fond de la vallée" is pretty much impossible to reproduce in English.

Nevertheless, the translator has created an appropriate sound-world. Apart from the metrical lapses noted by Susan, my only complaint is about the significant departure from the meaning of the original in the last quatrain.