[Trevor Conway]

The distant hiss of the waterfall
calls to mind a swan I fed
– and somehow offended – here as a child.
But I’ve always been too clumsy
– with words and tone and dumb emotion –
to understand how I transgress,

just as I’ve done yet again,
now as a man
(too much a man)
with eyes fixed on a grey cloud
smudged against the sky’s expanse.

A mind submits to many moods,
to certain words,
and to their absence.
At such moments, intertwining
seems a kind of abomination –
as odd and pathetic as amorous foxes
attached at the pelvis,
unable to part.

A shadowy flock appears,
twists to the shape of a thumbprint.
Each separate bird
possesses enough poise to inherit the sky
instead of worrying what the next one thinks,

but a lone bird is a vulnerable thing,
so these agile beings
embellishing the sky above Glencar
know it’s best to stay together.

[Jim Moonan]

.
(Excuse the inarticulateness of my response. I’m caught in the doldrums and words are hard to come by)

Words in red I question
Blue = comments

The distant hiss of the waterfall
calls to mind a swan I fed
– and somehow offended – here as a child. Perhaps whatever “here” is could be incorporated into the title?
But I’ve always been too clumsy
– with words and tone and dumb emotion –
to understand how I transgress,


(abrupt transition from S1 to S2)


just as I’ve done yet again,
now as a man
(too much a man) Not needed?
with eyes fixed on a grey cloud
smudged against the sky’s expanse.


A mind submits to many moods,
to certain words,
and to their absence.
At such moments, intertwining
seems a kind of abomination –
as odd and pathetic as amorous foxes
attached at the pelvis,
unable to part. This segment feels like it doesn’t belong in this poem, though my hunch is it represents the tangled relationship of the N


A shadowy flock appears,
twists to the shape of a thumbprint.
Each separate bird
possesses enough poise to inherit the sky (These 4 lines are beautiful imagery)
instead of worrying what the next one thinks, Not needed?


but a lone bird is a vulnerable thing,
so these agile beings
embellishing the sky above Glencar
know it’s best to stay together. I think you are asking the reader to transpose the birds’ need to stay together with your own need to do the same — But it feels "sprung"


I'm not sure what it is that the N is lamenting...

I like the swan imagery that begins the poem — Your return to the avian metaphor might work better if you stayed with swans. Especially since swans typically mate for life.

Something tells me this could be more impactful if it were shorter.

As always, it is a pleasure to read your work.

.

[David Callin]

No doubt this is a bit drastic, Trevor, but how would you feel about losing the second and third stanzas? That takes away your soliloquy - pretty much - without detracting from what I think the beating heart of the poem must be. But I've been wrong before.

Cheers

David

[Hilary Biehl]

Hi Trevor, I think David’s suggestion is spot on. If you feel you need the line “just as I’ve done yet again,” you could keep it either by adding it to the end of the first stanza or to the beginning of the fourth (if you want to preserve that stanza break). The poem has good bones, just needs some editing, I think.

[Trevor Conway]

Thanks very much, Jim, David and Hilary.

I might just do that, David. At least, I'll see what it looks like, then consider if I need to add something back in.

Trev