[Jim Ramsey]

Version 2

Sanctity

Sometimes, when I take an evening stroll,
and a deer steps from the edge of woods, and we join eyes,
or a cottontail zigzags slowly through clover unafraid, or
industrious bees have stayed late at work
digging pollen from the rhododendron blooms
along the creek’s roll of shoulder,
I do not hear the city behind me,
or mind the animals’ unnatural familiarity.

Sometimes, after a day sold away to fools,
a day of stacking boxes filled with rules,
then looking up to clouds petaling pink
against the evening’s blues, and listening
to the cadence of the bending grass, I pray
for my chance to chase and catch right words.


Version 1

Sanctity

Sometimes, when I take an evening stroll,
and a deer steps from the edge of woods, and we join eyes,
or a cottontail zigzags slowly through clover unafraid, or
industrious bees have stayed late at work
digging pollen from the rhododendron blooms
along the creek’s roll of shoulder,
I do not hear the city behind me,
or mind the animals’ unnatural familiarity.

Sometimes, after a trying day of wasted thought,
after opening stacked boxes of stale time,
after looking up to clouds petaling salmon
against a purpling sky, after listening
to my own footfalls cadencing through grass,
I bow my head and have no need of chasing words.

[Yves S L]

Hello Jim,

That last line does not justify the long and winding set-up, which is a shame because the octet made me interested in what you were going to do in the sextet.

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Yves,

I tried various versions of the last line before I posted this. One was "I bow my head and chase the words" intending to imply the sanctity, the sacredness implied, was in the poetry the N wanted to make of the moment. I switched to the current last line after deciding the sanctity I was after was in the moment of solitude the N felt, a moment free of even the need to put the moment into words. Thanks for giving my thought tree a little shake. I'll try to find the fruit that fell before it spoils.

Jim

[Yves S L]

Jim,

The issue is more the entire structure of a long-winding set up to lead to a final line. Using 5 of your 6 lines for a wind-up is distinctly non-proportional which puts intense pressure on that final line to justify itself. It might simply be that your poem is not really sonnet-shaped.

[Trevor Conway]

Hi Jim,

I found the delay a bit excessive in both stanzas. I think you could counteract it by bringing in the "I" earlier in both stanzas. For example:

Sometimes, when I take an evening stroll,
and a deer steps from the edge of woods, and we join eyes,
or a cottontail zigzags slowly through clover unafraid, or
industrious bees have stayed late at work
I do not hear the city behind me,
or mind the animals’ unnatural familiarity...
[You'd have to add new material here if you feel the need to keep it as a sonnet]

Sometimes, after a trying day of wasted thought,
after opening stacked boxes of stale time,
after looking up to clouds petaling salmon...
I bow my head after listening
to my own footfalls cadencing through grass,
and have no need for chasing words.

Trev

Originally Posted by Jim Ramsey

Sanctity

Sometimes, when I take an evening stroll,
and a deer steps from the edge of woods, and we join eyes,
or a cottontail zigzags slowly through clover unafraid, or
industrious bees have stayed late at work
digging pollen from the rhododendron blooms
along the creek’s roll of shoulder,
I do not hear the city behind me,
or mind the animals’ unnatural familiarity.

Sometimes, after a trying day of wasted thought,
after opening stacked boxes of stale time,
after looking up to clouds petaling salmon
against a purpling sky, after listening
to my own footfalls cadencing through grass,
I bow my head and have no need of chasing words.

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi again Yves,

Thanks, I can see your point. If it's confession time, I had no intention of writing a sonnet in free verse; then, when I arrived at thirteen lines, I added another, found a turn and a comparison to make, and called it a sonnet. Trevor has made a good suggestion that cuts the piece to two equal six-line stanzas. I'm in deliberation mode.

Hi Trevor,

I like your suggested edit and will probably adopt it. I'll wait a bit to see whether any other input comes that offers other ideas or supports yours. Thanks.

[Yves S L]

Hello Jim,

Yeah, it is not really a sonnet, but I was experimenting with being less direct.

[Jim Ramsey]

Originally Posted by Yves S L

Hello Jim,

Yeah, it is not really a sonnet, but I was experimenting with being less direct.

Hi Yves,

Don't turn into a softie on us. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, but in the long run it leads to weight gain and clogged arteries.

Yeah!

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi All,

I have posted a new version with a rewrite of the sestet, one closer to my original wording.

Jim