[Glenn Wright]

Pentecost

The memory of that day is like a diamond,
my father’s face so full of loving light.
Into the frigid, frisky wind we climbed and
found a high expanse to fly our kite.

The uphill walk had stolen my father’s breath.
He stopped and bowed; his smile was thin and drawn.
He knew I’d have this day after his death
and hoped I’d have his faith to carry on.

He said I’d need to hold the kite up high
and run until he yelled to let it go.
The wind would lift it far into the sky
to join the angels watching us below.

I watched, impatient, as he tied the string
securely to the fragile wooden frame.
The red and yellow paper, a seraph’s wing,
caught air and soared above us like a flame.
———————————————-
Edits:
S1L2: precious, clear, and full of shining light. > My father’s face was filled with loving light. > my father’s face so full of loving light.
S1L3: Into the cold and frisky wind we climb and > . . .climbed and > Into the frigid, frisky wind we climbed and
S1L4: find a hilltop perch to fly our kite. > found a high expanse to fly our kite.
S2L3: I’d have this afternoon after his death > He knew I’d have this day after his death
S2L4: to carry in my heart when he was gone. > to ease my grieving heart when he was gone. > and hoped I’d have his faith to carry on.
S3L3: shouting as it flew into the sky > We shouted as it flew into the sky > The wind would lift it far into the sky.
S3L4: so angels would guide it for us here below. > to join the angels watching us below.
S4L1: strings > string
S4L2: to the four corners of the balsa frame. > so securely to the balsa frame. > securely to the fragile wooden frame
S4L3: seraphs’ wings > a seraph’s wing

[Alessio Boni]

Hello!


The poem is very clear, and is easily followable without much effort needed, and that is definitely a virtue, but one thing I cannot seem to understand is the symbol of the kite itself.

Would it be the holy spirit descending, facilitated in its descent by the agents of the divine to 'guide it below?' But if so, why would it be thrown in the air in the first place by two of its creations if the Holy spirit is exempt of effects from external agents?

This question could also just be me lacking proper biblical education in which more aspects of the Pentecost are actually explored beyond only a 'descent' so don't be too harsh if I'm completely off..

Also, since you used the pentameter, you could make this into a nice sonnet by cancelling the first two lines and immediately commencing the poem with the memory, immersing the reader instantly. But this change would make such little difference to an already good poem that it could be seen as trivial and prone to risk for thwarting the poem's original structure, unless the rhyme scheme wasn't considered.

Cheers!

[Max Goodman]

This is beautiful. I particularly like that after it's established that the father and son have some sense that the father is dying, the poem doesn't dwell on it. I wonder whether it could be established less directly. The last half of the second stanza feels too on-the-nose. The first half of that stanza strongly suggests the father isn't well.

Some quibbles:
The description "precious, clear, and full of shining light" feels fulsome, non-descriptive. Coming so early in the poem, it did not encourage me to read further. In other than a workshop setting, I might have stopped reading and missed the strong rest of the poem.

"Hilltop perch" makes the kite-flying area sound smaller than it appears later in the poem (and smaller than it would have to be).

The L2/3 tense shift (by which I mean the lack of tense shift when we are clearly shifting from present remembrance into a retelling of the event of the past) is strong: it puts me directly into the memory. That the poem immediately shifts from that to past and past perfect tenses is both disappointing and grammatically jumbled-feeling.

FWIW.

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Glenn,

This is a well-realized poem and quite moving. The kite works effectively as both narrative device and symbol, with a strong emotional resonance that runs throughout the poem.

Regarding tense usage, I noticed (as did Max) the shift from historical present in the first stanza to past tense afterward. While this creates immediacy initially, perhaps consider revising the last line of the first stanza to create a clearer temporal transition. Alternatively, consider if you want to maintain the historical present throughout, or fully commit to past tense narration, where it’s easier to manage temporal shifts - but this is merely a stylistic preference, not a correction of an error.

In the third stanza, "shouting as it flew into the sky" could be strengthened by clarifying who is shouting - the father or the child? This small detail would enhance the scene's vividness.

The line "I'd have this afternoon after his death / to carry in my heart when he was gone" contains a slight redundancy. While the sentiment is powerful, perhaps revising to reduce the repetition of the father's absence would strengthen the impact. You could find some fresh angle/emotion to replace the redundant material, for instance: “to fill my heart, to fly my kite alone.”

I found the Pentecost connection compelling, with the kite's "seraph's wings" and flame imagery creating a beautiful spiritual dimension. Unlike Alessio's concern, I think the religious symbolism works well metaphorically without needing to align perfectly with biblical narrative.

Max's point about the directness of the father's mortality in the second stanza is worth considering. The physical details ("stolen my father's breath," "smile was thin and drawn") already suggest his condition - you might trust these images to convey what's happening without explicit statement.

These suggestions aside, this is a poignant exploration of memory, loss, and the sacred moments between parent and child.

Cheers,
...Alex

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Alessio, Max, and Alex—

Thank you, gentlemen, for your thoughtful and generous comments on my poem.

Alessio—The connection to Pentecost is more loosely emotional rather than strictly and accurately theological. I imagined the father as Christ, the N as a disciple, and the memory of the kite-flying as the Paraclete. The father knows he must depart and gives his son a comforting memory to strengthen his faith. The flame-colored kite above the heads of the father and son recalls the actual Pentecost experience, which properly happened ten days after Christ’s Ascension.

I decided to keep the ballad-like structure rather than make the poem a sonnet because I thought the narrative component and the deliberate simplicity and informality of the diction was more in line with the ballad form.

Max—I agree that S2L3-4 come perilously close to stating the obvious. I’ll give some thought to revising this weak spot.

The tense shift you noticed was simply an artifact of the rhyme: “diamond/climb and.” I agree that it’s better to have a slant rhyme than to butcher the sequence of tenses, so I made the necessary fix.

I also agree that there were just too many adjectives in S1L2, so I adjusted accordingly. I also gave them a bit more room to run around by changing “perch” to “expanse.” These were very helpful suggestions.

Alex—I fixed S3L3 to more precisely identify who was shouting. Good catch.

I like your suggestion to replace S2L3-4 (which are not pulling their weight) with an insight into the father’s reason for planning the kite-flying afternoon. I’ll work on that.

I appreciate your well-considered critiques, gentlemen, and will continue to polish the stone.

Glenn

[Brian Watson]

The impetus of Andrew Wyeth's Pentecost, depicting a pair of fishing nets blowing in the breeze, was the death of a young girl swept out to sea. The backstory is nowhere in the painting, but the feeling is there.

In a similar way, the first and last verses by themselves would make a complete and powerful poem.

(I think the middle two verses have some technical imperfections, such as "so angels would guide it for us here below", which is slightly off metrically, and "for us here below" seems there to fill out the line and supply the rhyme.
In the first verse, I like the density of assonance and consonance -- sound matching sense -- and the inventive 'diamond/climbed and' rhyme. In the fourth verse, I like the naturalness of the language, and the unexpected exhilaration of the final line.)

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Brian—

Thanks for weighing in.

I agree that the middle two stanzas are weaker than the first and last. I’m considering how I might tighten them up a bit more. I think it’s important to reveal that the father is dying, but I may not need two stanzas to do that.

I made an adjustment to S3L4 to fix the metrical awkwardness you identified.

I appreciate your helpful comments.

Glenn

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Glenn,

There’s now more tense agreement and less confusion with the revision—after the historic present of line one, all that follow is consistent in the past tense.

“High expanse” could be more specific and thus more relatable and vivid, e.g., a “nearby mound/hill.”

There’s still the redundancy of “after his death” <-> “when he was gone”—I feel the latter doesn’t need to restate what’s already been presented one line earlier.

The rest look strengthened and improved. Well done, Glenn!

Cheers,
…Alex

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Alex—

Thanks for coming back.
I revised S2L4 to get rid of the redundancy and also suggest that the father wanted to offer his son a lesson in spirituality.

Glenn

[Alessio Boni]

Hi,


Yeah that seems a lot clearer now, and also I wanted to say that the Father being Christ and suffering from a sullied health is a good and subtle reference to the sufferings of Christ in real life. You probably already knew this but I wanted to commend you for it.

Also yeah, I do agree, narrative almost never fits for sonnets unless your Wilfrid Scawen Blunt, so good choice on that.

Cheers!