[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4281
By Leonora Caseement

Back in the early Nineties we ran a comp asking for letters of resignation from an unnamed minister to his or her prime minister, the point being that these days it takes quite a lot to prompt such a step. The top winner (T Griffiths) began: “Dear PM, as you know, I have recently undergone metamorphosis into a beetle . . .” Can you better that 20 years on?
Max 150 words by 27 June comp@newstatesman.co.uk

[Adrian Fry]

Dear PM, I feel that I cannot in all conscience continue as a Minister in your government as I do not exist, having merely been called into existence for the purposes of this letter by a petit bourgeois scribbler intent on winning the New Statesman weekend competition. And while you may feel - as I would if any way extant - qualities of total invisibility and ineffectuality are just what your government requires at this time - I must disagree. My expenses claims, you see, are what I can never be; substantial.

[Graham King]

“Dear PM, you will not have heard from me for months. Apologies! (Please excuse my handwriting: I’m still trembling from swamp-fever; also, crushed beetle ink is hard to apply neatly with a broken twig). I’ll seal this leaf in a gourd, carved eye-catchingly with Union flag and smiley face, then float it downriver, hoping it may be fished out at some trading post or village to eventually reach you.
You (with millions of citizens) will know what stressful challenges and unbecoming spats I faced, which finally drove me to storm out of jungle camp– and, tragically, become lost. You’d rightly advised me against that ‘Celebrity’ lark; who knows if I shall now ever ‘get out of here’? Therefore I must resign. Best wishes to my former constituents and colleagues. My place in Parliament has surely already been filled, so may I congratulate the new incumbent: Wish you were here!”

[Adrian Fry]

Graham, that's brilliant.

There is always the impression given, by press and politicos alike, that there was some golden age when Ministers resigned regularly over matters of honour. This has not been the case now since the 1950s in England. I suppose all that high moral tone really came from the days when politics was more hobby than career.

[Graham King]

Why, Adrian, thank you!
And it would of course be preferable if honour were to remain unsullied rather than resignation duly ensue from its sullying. Sullied and retaining a seat is worst. I daresay some upheaval is needed, though what's envisaged below is a mite drastic...

“Dear PM (as I used to call you), you loathsome lizard, I resign! This EmbraceCosmicHarmony® retreat has really opened my eyes to the global conspiracy you’re helping to perpetuate. You may think me foolish to reveal awareness, but hear this- I’m no longer under your alien overlordship. Know fear! The truth is out here, proud and strong. You’ll not see me again, kowtowing in your chambers, toeing the Party line at the behest of your ‘Whips’ (how blatant your haughty disdain for those you herd!) But I will be watching you– preparing, along with those of like mind. Meanwhile, remember: your opponents are not just we the chosen- and the Ascended Masters who guide us! -but the inhabitants of hollow Earth; Nature elementals; South Polar Überreichsfolk; and more. War threatens on multiple fronts! Ponder that, quaking, as Nibiru approaches to reverse the world’s spin-axis, overturning your corrupt manipulative regime!”

[Rob Stuart]

Dear PM, following recent press revelations that I am a zombie with an insatiable hunger for human brains, I wish to save both the government and the party further embarrassment by resigning as a minister with immediate effect. I have always considered the fact that I am a terrifying reanimated corpse to be a private matter, but it seems the ladies and gentlemen of the fourth estate see fit to disagree. I don’t believe that I ever allowed my undead nature to interfere with my ministerial duties; never once did I tear the head off a visiting dignitary (well, okay, once) and I always ensured that the stench of my decaying flesh was masked by powerful deodorants. In many ways I consider my professional conduct to have been positively exemplary; just for the record I never claimed a penny of taxpayers’ money for my second grave in Westminster.

Dear Thingummy, regretfully I must inform you of my intention to stand down as a wotsit. I have recently been diagnosed with something or other that affects my memory and and vocabububulary. This often results in me losing the thread of whatever task I am involved with, repeating myself or simply repeating myself. I have also developed a tendency to repeat myself and to leave sentences half. As you can imagine, this is making the discharge of my ministerial whatchamacallits extremely thingy. Or at least, I imagine it is. I can’t really remember. This problem is further exacerbated by a tendency to repeat myself which I seem to have developed. So to summarise, I would be most grateful if you could allow Tom to sit out of PE this afternoon on account of his ingrown toenail.

[Graham King]

Excellent, Rob, both had me chuckling, especially the second one which brought to mind the heyday of The Two Ronnies - particularly, Mr Barker's delightfully dotty news items and 'public appeals on behalf of...' announcements.

“Dear PM, I must resign, as you are clearly accepting a double in my stead. I’ve just seen the fellow, debating in the House, on the pub plasma-screen tonight. The vivid image and sound enabled me to notice that not only does this namesake not sound much like me; also, I don’t have his exact complexion, nor own a shirt in that hue; so it can’t have been me!
I’m perfectly aware TV programs aren’t all ‘live’; so it’s not that ‘being in two places at once’ confused me. Earlier, I myself participated in a very similar debate, recorded. Probably this chap coached himself from it; he was nearly word-perfect. Anyway, such duplication won’t do: it wastes Parliamentary time, and my constituents deserve integrity: ‘Accept no substitute!’ I’ll resume my post only if this impostor apologises to my face and assures you, himself, that I alone am the genuine article.”

[Rob Stuart]

Thank you, Graham. Yes, I thought it was a bit 'Two Ronnies' too, but wasn't sure if that was a good thing. Times have changed after all. Let's see what The Staggers thinks...

Good luck with yours. Liked the 'I'm a Celeb' one particularly.

[Charlie Southerland]

Dear PM,
As you well know, I've been attending rehab incognito for some time now. Further, you know about my relapse but not the nature of it. Regretfully, I must submit my resignation since I'm addicted to human haggis. I got caught lifting Lady Thatcher's sweetbreads and other vital organs at the morgue. I only hope you'll forgive me for this egregious action but I feel no temporal remorse since she handed me my own many times in the past. I fear I might re-offend once former PM Major's expires.

PS I really like it here. They let me work in the kitchen.

[John Whitworth]

When was politics more of a hobby than a career? Are you talking about Disraeli? Gladstone? Lloyd George? Joe Chamberlain? Lords Palmerstone and Salisbury? It's true that none of them were in it for the money, but that's quite a different thing. I don't think even Tony Blair was in it for the money.