[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4283
Set by Leonora Casement
We asked for examples of a remark overheard at a party that makes you wish you hadn’t come.

This week’s winners
A few of you surprised the judges by including entries such as: “We’re expecting Jeremy Clarkson later,” “Isn’t that Boris Johnson coming over here?” and “You must let me introduce you to Richard Dawkins.” We all wanted to go to those parties! Then there was: “I hear Bill Greenwell’s going to give us a poetry reading.” We won’t say who sent that one in but we’re sure he can work it out. The four who won with numerous entries get £15 each. A £5 book token each for the singletons. The Tesco vouchers go, in addition, to John Griffiths-Colby.

Pregnant pause
All that Jimmy Savile-bashing went on long enough.

That Ukip speaker was thrilling. And two more to come!

Is everybody here pregnant? Or am I just surrounded by fat chicks?

Elvis, Bin Laden, Princess Di – all their deaths were faked.

Oh, I think Rupert Murdoch has loads of sex appeal.

But, really, what has Nelson Mandela accomplished lately?

Every one of my straight marriages failed.

Boris is welcome to shag my wife any time.
Chris O’Carroll

Ill manners
Grenade!!!

To be honest, a resin Buddha statue just feels so much more authentic than a fibreglass one.

Thankfully, I am over the amoebic dysentery now.

Oh, don’t get me started on dialectic and rhetoric!

Stay down and no one will get hurt.

The bifolds were imported from Tuscany, I think. Or was it Bavaria?
John Griffiths-Colby

Where there’s smoke . . .
Wow, you came as yourself!

What brave shoes!

Where to smoke? Out the front door, turn right and then keep going for half a mile. And watch out for the needles.

He’s very high up on the autistic spectrum and an expert on the imminent global catastrophe.

This way. There are lots of bankers in the lounge.

I see Samantha let you out then.
Josh Ekroy

Spitting image
Tarquin, darling, what did Mummy say about trying not to spit at the guests, sweetheart?

I’m extroverted-feeling with introverted intuition. Yep, ENFJ, through and through. You?

I do hope he’s going to do his readings from Ulysses later.
David Silverman
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Jason brought these mushrooms back from his foraging trip.
D A Prince
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I’m not going home till I’ve got at least a dozen more sponsors.
Nick Thomas
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Apparently there’s some oik here who didn’t go to Eton or Harrow.
Charles Curran
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Chairs? No, we’ve moved them all out for the evening . . .
Carolyn Thomas-Coxhead
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Peregrine’s comforting the hostess; the host’s upstairs with his first conquest of the evening.
M E Ault
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Let X be Unite and Y be Ed Miliband.
John O’Byrne
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That’s right, Gavin. Now, the blindfold.
Nicholas Hodgson
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Just top up the champagne with that lemonade.
Sally Harris