[Jayne Osborn]

Revision to S3: Changes in blue

They say the camera never lies.
It F-ing does! It’s no surprise,
my passport photo’s ghastly.
That face, which I don’t recognise,
is scary; am I in disguise?
My photos vary, vastly;
I had about a dozen tries
to take one that would show my eyes
were open. Got one …lastly!

The trouble is, I look a fright;
you’d think that I’d been up all night.
My photos were rejected,
except the last one – that’s all right,
apparently. (I think it’s shite,
not one I’d have selected.)
The photo’s background must be white,
and as my blonde hair’s very light,
no wonder I’m dejected.

Also, you’re not allowed to smile.
Passport photos are always vile,
…but they have to last for years.
Why can't the rules be versatile?
“They” would say, Don't be juvenile.
My words would fall on deaf ears –
yet we could all protest! Meanwhile,
let photos demonstrate our style,
which would bring on grins – not tears!

Original:

They say the camera never lies.
It F-ing does! It’s no surprise,
my passport photo’s ghastly.
That face, which I don’t recognise,
is scary; am I in disguise?
My photos vary, vastly;
I had about a dozen tries
to take one that would show my eyes
were open. Got one …lastly!

The trouble is, I look a fright;
you’d think that I’d been up all night.
My photos were rejected,
except the last one – that’s all right,
apparently. (I think it’s shite,
not one I’d have selected.)
The photo’s background must be white,
and as my blonde hair’s very light,
no wonder I’m dejected.

Also, you’re not allowed to smile.
Passport photos are always vile,
…but they have to last for years!
Why must the rules be so hostile?
“They” would say, Oh, she’s too fragile.
My thoughts would fall on deaf ears.
But must these musings be futile?
Let’s allow photos with some style
that would bring on grins – not tears!

[Duncan Gillies MacLaurin]

Lots of fun, Jayne!

A suggestion:

My thoughts would fall on deaf ears.
But must these musings be futile?
(instead of "because these musings are futile")
Let’s allow photos with some style
that would bring on grins – not tears!

Duncan

[Jayne Osborn]

Good thinking. Thanks, Duncan.
I've made that change; it goes better with the last two lines.

Jayne

[Joe Crocker]

Great stuff Jayne

I have been going through the same procedure and keep getting rejected by the Govt online arbiter of beauty. I have white hair, white beard, anaemic skin and grey eyes. The only feature visible are the ploughed furrows of my forehead. I have no idea who this grizzly old ghost could be.

Hey ho

Joe

[Susan McLean]

I like it and I identify with it. My sister Mary and I were recently comparing our passport photos to see who looked worse in them. My one problem is with the meter in the last stanza. Americans and Brits pronounce "hostile," "fragile," and "futile" differently, but all of them put the stress on the first syllable, not the second, so the lines that end with those words feel one beat short and the rhyme feels wrenched. I don't have a good suggestion for changes, given your very demanding rhyme scheme, but I thought I'd mention it.

Susan

[Jayne Osborn]

Hi Joe,

Oh, your post had me in stitches! Thanks for giving me a really good laugh! When you have white or very fair hair, like us, it's hard to tell where the hair ends and the background begins, which "they" don't make any allowance for.

Susan,
You made me smile, too, comparing photos with Mary for awfulness! The fact that you're both lovely cuts no ice when it comes to passport photos.

Yes, I realised (there we go again, not "realized") that some of the -ile rhymes wouldn't work for those of you in the States. You pronounce "missile" to rhyme with "thistle", whereas for us it rhymes with "mile", so
I can sort of understand the US pronunciation of "fragile" and "futile", but not "hostile", when "hostel" is something different altogether. I'm also a bit puzzled why the British pronunciation is one beat shorter, when both ways are two syllables. We also put the stress on the first syllable.

I can't change "smile", "vile" and "style" so people will just have to read it Brit-fashion.

Jayne

[Harry Nicolas]

Hi Jayne - Interesting concept, I like the humor. I like the use of parenthesis to have a sort of inner monologue and fits the stream of consciousness style of the poem. I also think choosing this poem to have a rhyme scheme adds to the humour element. I don’ think I would change anything. Nice work.

[Susan McLean]

Hi, Jayne, because you have a few anapests in your poem, there is a chance that the wrenched-rhyme lines will be read something like this:

Why MUST the RULES be so HOStile?
“THEY” would say, OH, she’s too FRAGile.
But MUST these MUSings be FUtile?

It may not be true in the UK, but in the US there is no chance that the second syllable of those -ile words could carry the beat. Especially when the other words are one-syllable, it can be hard to figure out what to stress in the lines. I don't think you have to worry too much about how Americans would read the lines, since you would probably be publishing in the UK. But I don't know how much the stress patterns would be a problem there.

Susan

[Jayne Osborn]

Hi Harry,

First of all, a big welcome to Eratosphere! (Or just "the Sphere", as we tend to call it.)

I'm glad you like the poem. I mostly write light verse like this, in a conversational kind of way, so it really is just a stream of consciousness.

I was gutted yesterday (well, "gutted" is probably being a bit of a drama queen) at the awful photo I had to submit to the passport office, and my husband looked like a miserable old git. Oh, wait a minute - he is a miserable old git.

Jayne

[Jayne Osborn]

Susan,
I don't think the stresses are too much of a problem, especially as it's light verse. All of the rhymes vary in their number of syllables, from one to three, and I'm heartened that Harry was OK with it, as he's American.

By the time we all finally get through Customs and Passport Control we're all looking pretty miserable - so at least our awful photos make us readily identifiable!

Jayne