Hello Max,
I find this interesting in form and content. The dimeter couplets create a rhythmic heartbeat throughout the piece that cleverly reinforces your theme, and I admire how you've maintained this tight form while exploring existential concerns. The progression from childhood anxiety to mature acceptance creates a compelling emotional arc. The rhyme scheme generally works well and doesn't feel forced despite the constraints of short lines. The contrast between the mechanical heart and the philosophical self creates interesting tension
Still, I think there are areas that could improved for smoother flow of sense and meter. For example, for the opening lines could be smoother in sense, diction, and meter with an alternative such as:
When young, I felt
a danger dwelt
chest-deep. My heart,
being an odd part,
could it still work
and never shirk
or tire or just
forget? To trust
my life to this
might seem remiss.
But now, although
death’s closer, no
fear gnaws. I’ve seen
. . . .
And around the middle, something like this:
what a machine
I am. My will
moves me until
I spend rare time
as though my prime
approached. I go
. . .
The concluding thought works well, but consider whether the final repetition could be varied slightly for more impact while maintaining your form, for instance:
The heart’s a pump.
Pumps pump.
Pumps cannot slump.
Good luck with this, Max. I hope these suggestions, which maintain your formal constraints, might be helpful as you continue to refine this already strong poem!
Cheers,
…Alex
constant
Linear Mode
