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06-30-2006, 09:58 AM
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Ga., USA
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Let's coin some creative new phrases to convey that it is highly unlikely that you will be using a critiquer's suggestions.
Bugsy
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06-30-2006, 10:34 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Spartanburg, SC USA
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How about any reply that begins, "Well, I was chatting on the phone with Richard Wilbur the other day..."
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06-30-2006, 10:37 AM
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jack,
ROTFLMAO!!! THAT one is so true, but it took me by surprise.
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06-30-2006, 10:44 AM
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Variations, using a fictional name for the inept suggestor:
Dougsie,
Thanks for that. It gave me such a smile.
Dougsie,
Thank you for your suggestions. I really needed a good laugh.
Dougsie,
You're so silly.
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06-30-2006, 11:30 AM
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![David Landrum's Avatar](image.php?u=678&dateline=1231522673) |
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Grand Rapdis, Michigan, USA
Posts: 2,421
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Expanding on Jack's idea:
"Well ___________________ didn't think that when he (she) went over the poem with me."
Fill in the blank: Alicia, Dave, Sam, Marilyn, Kim . . .
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06-30-2006, 12:12 PM
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![Marion Shore's Avatar](image.php?u=1132&dateline=1336630399) |
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Belmont, Massachusetts USA
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The "I'm so sensitive/emotional" response:
"But I'm so head-over-heels in love with this poem!"*
*you took me to task for that one, Bugsy, remember?
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06-30-2006, 12:37 PM
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: California, USA
Posts: 1,285
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Dear Dougsie,
Thank you for the time you spent on your review of my villanelle, "Wolves Eat Fairies, Don't They?: A Villanelle." And no, I don't think you were being harsh at all. Please don't apologize, for that is what I am here for!
I am intrigued by your point about making the repetends consistent. I guess you mean they should use the same words in each one? ![](http://www.ablemuse.com/erato/ubbhtml/frown.gif) I will have to think that over! I have seen many successful villanelles, which I have patterned this one after, and some of them have had consistent repetends. But perhaps you are familiar with the 20th-century poet Elizabeth Bishop? Well, if you aren't, you should check her out, she is very loose with form, not like that drunk Dylan Thomas. I think he's very over rated and I don't want my villanelle to be compared to his, so I have decided to vary my repetends, but I will have to think about your point. Thanks!
I also have to think about your point about "cliched" language. I am not arguing but I think that I am using the phrases you quoted "ironically." Except for the part you objected to which says "the proof is in the pudding," that is an allusion, maybe you didn't get it? ![](http://www.ablemuse.com/erato/ubbhtml/wink.gif) Oh well, can't please them all! I have thought about this a lot and I think one man's cliche is another man's classic and all of these are in the eye of the beholder. Thanks!
I think you make a good point about the meter, except it is not supposed to be iambic tetrameter like so many poems here, it is supposed to be loose dactyllic, because I am a big fan of the great ancient blind Greek poet Homer. Maybe you didn't get that either? ![](http://www.ablemuse.com/erato/ubbhtml/wink.gif) I will have to think about what you said about making the meter "detectable" because I've thought about it a lot and I have discovered that all art aspires to the condition of music. With that in mind, I am working on a revision which is more musical. Here is the new first stanza, I have made the new repetends bold:
' - - | ' - - | ' - - | ' - - | ' - -
' - - | ' - - | ' - - | ' - - | ' - -
' - - | ' - - | ' ' - | - ' | ' - -
I am trying to figure out how to get rid of the substitutions in L3, anyone have any ideas? ![](http://www.ablemuse.com/erato/ubbhtml/frown.gif) Dougsie, if I figure out how to make a sound recording after the piano tuner comes by I will post it here and see what you think. Thanks again for your time!
Love,
Sheila Reseda
[This message has been edited by Clay Stockton (edited June 30, 2006).]
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06-30-2006, 01:05 PM
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![Marion Shore's Avatar](image.php?u=1132&dateline=1336630399) |
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Well, Dougsie, as you know, this is a performance piece, so you really need to hear it spoken out loud, as well as see the props: graffiti-covered subway wall, broken toilet, etc. and hear the steel drum accompaniment.
*******
Well Dougsie, I think the allusion to Czar Ivan the Mediocre is pretty well-known, but of course you can always Google.
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06-30-2006, 01:38 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2000
Location: Houston, TX, USA
Posts: 7,827
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Dougsie, I appreciate your suggestion to change "the" to "a," and while I understand your reasoning, that would make for a different poem. Perhaps a better poem, but not the one I've written.
Also thanks for expressing the opinion that Chronicle of My Formative Years doesn't fit the sonnet form and that I should drop the couplet altogether. I have given some thought to your contention that I am trying to cover too much ground, but all of the traumatic experiences have a direct bearing on the poem and I can't think which of them I could afford to leave out. I believe most people can follow the logic and won't have any trouble figuring out the syntax in the lines:
potty-trained at half past three
wheeler turned over scraped my knee.
Again, I do appreciate your time and effort, Dougsie, and I will print out your comments and consider them carefully if I decide to revise. I should warn you that I revise very slowly, however, so I may not get around to posting the revision for a few months.
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06-30-2006, 01:56 PM
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Ga., USA
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Marion,
Oh, yeah, you were so in love with that damn piece you were marion it!
Sorry. Guess that one only works once.
Another way to break the news: (again with a randomly selected fictitious name)
PugZ,
To explain my regard for your suggestions, I have made a chart of equivalent concepts. Column A contains persons or things, and Column B contains bodies to which they may seek admittance.
AXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXB
OilXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXWater
MosesXXXXXXXXXXXXXXPromised Land
CamelXXXXXXXXXXXXXXEye of a needle
Dr. JohnXXXXXXXXXXXXXCover of the Rolling
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXStone
Star JonesXXXXXXXXXXXAny ABC News job
Those past itsXXXXXXXXToyland
XXXXborders
Your suggestionsXXXXXXMy poem
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