[John Whitworth]

Seven Ages of Women nearly did it for Jayne Osborne and Janet Kenny on the Ladies' side. But those olde worlde Gentlemen, Chris O'Carroll and Bill Greenwell won money, Bill with that elusive extra fiver. Well done all.

The new competition has me already looking for rhymes for Blair and there are plenty.

No. 2697: Bête noire
You are invited to take as your first line ‘How do I hate you? Let me count the ways’ and continue, in verse, for up to a further 15 lines. Please email entries, wherever possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 18 May.

[Roger Slater]

HOW DO I HATE YOU?

How do I hate you? Let me count the ways.
As nature hates a vacuum, skin hates warts;
As dogs hate work and cats hate water sports,
And both abhor the evil hand that spays;
As Jews hate whitebread smeared with mayonaise,
As criminals hate judges, jails and courts,
As Madoff hates an auditor's reports,
As lungs hate cancer, poets hate cliches.

I hate you more than eyes hate cataracts,
Or balls hate jock-itch, kryptonite hates lead;
More than throats hate plegm, or ears hate wax,
Or Casanova hates a single bed;
I hate you more than liars hate the facts;
God willing, I shall hate you when you're dead.

[Lance Levens]

How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways:
First, air that slips between my moistened lips
is atomized within my seething lungs
where lies my seminal supply of hate.
I tend it, nourish it, I feed it fire
that yearns to consummate its harsh desire
on you, your heart, wherever you would prate.
Next, it rages when you manumit your hips.
then arches when you flatter with your tongue.
It knows no single moment minus cool
contempt for every moment you are you.
Last, I'm not mad, obsessed or full of too
much mewing bitters as a child of Cain.
I merely understand the hungry heart
that's famished for a sanguinary meal
of meat, a dish of nothing but your pain.

[Roger Slater]

Great stuff, Lance, but you haven't used the first line that seems to be required of you. You can just add it as a first line, I think, since you have a line to spare, and you don't have to pair it up with another rhyme since the rhymes are so spaced that no one will notice if you don't.

[Lance Levens]

Roger, I caught your post and did just what you suggested. It cuts the edge a bit, but not much. BTW I love "I hate you more than liars hate the facts."

[John Whitworth]

How Do I Hate You

How do I hate you? Let me count the ways.
For ever and for ever is the first.
My hate before was no more than a phase,
But this is perfect, being much the worst
That I can know or can have ever known.
I hate the way you stand, the way you sit.
I hate you supine and I hate you prone.
I hate your voice, the very sound of it
Can turn me to a gurning, gibbering wreck,
And as for what you say, you Lord of Liars
I’d push your face out through your greasy neck
And wrench your teeth out one by one with pliers.
I’d strip your back and ply the horsewhip hard,
Then for your cormorant family to share,
I’d fry your privy parts in camels’ lard,
You lemmings’ excrement, you Tony Blair.

[Chris O'Carroll]

How do I hate you? Let me count the ways:
As Freudians hate Jungian psychiatry,
As Klansmen hate Obama, Jews, and gays,
As Amy Winehouse loves to hate sobriety,

As all web surfers hate a sluggish cursor,
As shepherds hate a wolf pack on the prowl,
As Qaddafi hates his people and vice versa,
As anyone with taste hates Simon Cowell,

As I hate dental drills that gouge my tongue,
As aging pop stars hate to lose their hair
As “Sweet Home Alabama” hates Neil Young,
Nay more, as John Whitworth hates Tony Blair.

[Roger Slater]

How do I hate you? Let me count the ways.
Make that "way." There's actually just one:
I hate you with an all-consuming blaze
so powerful it could burn up the Sun;

what's more, unlike the Sun, it burns at night,
and burns no matter if it's clear or storming;
though carbon plays a role, my hatred might
alone account for rampant global warming.

Someday, when petroleum is gone,
and when the windmills halt and fail to turn,
just find the power grid and strap me on:
the world can live on all the hate I burn.

[Mary Meriam]

WOW! These are the best Speccie entries EVER. Thanks for the LOLs, guys.

[Lance Levens]

John

"Camel's lard?" Ouch!