[John Whitworth]

Some of us spotted George's winner in the paddock. Spotting is not quite as good as writing alas. Let us not forget Bill and Bazza, the terrible twins, winning good place money. Well done all three.

The new competition is a writing exercise I used to set in the days when I worked for my living. I never did it though. Time to start.

No. 2706: four letter words
You are invited to supply a plausible and entertaining piece of prose written using words of only four letters (150 words maximum). Email entries, if possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 20 July.

[Jayne Osborn]

My Speccie has just dropped through the letterbox and the cover this week is the most gloriously glossy paper.

I'm coming out of the closet - I am a glossy paper fetishist! I get a lovely feeling all over when I handle it. (Is there a word for this?)

The current four letter word challenge looks like a good 'un, Bazz(a), Bill, Georg(e), John, Roge(r), Chri(s), Fran(k), et al.

[Roger Slater]

This one looks too hard and time-consuming, so I'm unlikely to give it a whirl. But anyone who takes it on might find this page helpful:

http://www.scrabble.org.au/words/fours.htm

[George Simmers]

Do you reckon contractions like "she's" and "can't" are allowed?

[Roger Slater]

I reckon I don't have any idea.

[Jayne Osborn]

I reckon I haven't a clue either, but all my instincts are telling me to err on the side of caution. I reckon that means no.

Look at it this way - if contractions are permissable, those of us who don't employ them will (maybe) get extra Brownie points. Where do you draw the line? Would you say, for example, that 'ain't' counts as a four-letter word in place of 'am/are not'? I don't think it does.

Of course, my opinion could be a total load of _ _ _ _ (Substitute your own four-letter word.) What do I know?

[John Whitworth]

I reckon contractions are allowed. I was considering 'twas.

'Twas upon that good ship 'True Love',
Lord, Lord, that love made Blue Love.
Upon that prow
Were pros enow.
That crew knew such true blue love!

Alas, no poetry.

[basil ransome-davies]

I'm with Jayne on contractions, & in any case if you're good enough you shouldn't even be thinking of them. Plurals of 3-letter words OK, I'd say.

Main problem: Betjeman tied his poem to a particular 1950s storm in a teacup over language-use & class (google 'U and non-U English' if need be for clarification). Both have been extensively modified over the past 50+ years. Hence the issue is to find a contemporary equivalent to the giveaway euphemised vocabulary of yesteryear's counter-jumpers. I haven't cracked it yet.

[John Whitworth]

The curious thing, Bzza, is thaT some of the U and non-U versions still have force among certain kinds of people. Toilet, for instance. And when you have your dinner. But since what everybody nowadays wants to be is working class, unlike middle class like thee and me, Bazza, the thing doesn't apply, except among very silly people. Who may well read the Speccie, I think.

Where do you suppose Dave goes for a pee. Lavatory? Toilet? Loo? In my youth I went to the kludgie, but not now. I fear it is lavatory. I very much fear it is.

What about the geography?

Incidentally, why do politicians all refer to 'a dog's breakfast'.Dogs don't have breakfasts. The phrase is surely 'a dog's dinner'.

[basil ransome-davies]

See http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/114550.html