[John Whitworth]

Didn't we do well. Martin Parker is the overall winner withBazza, Beorge Simmers and Janet Kenny all snapping at his heels. Well done all of you. And this one looks good. I'll shall make a rhyme of it, but then I always do.

No. 2708 death watch
You are invited to supply an obituary of either God or Homo sapiens (150 words max.). Please email entries, if possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 3 August.

[Roger Slater]

Congratulations, all you clever winners! I couldn't even come up with a bad entry for this challenging contest, let alone the gems you guys came up with.

Here's a quick God obit:

God Almighty died peacefully in his sleep yesterday after a career that spanned nearly five thousand years and included such accomplishments as shaping Adam out of dust and placing all the stars in their familiar locations in the sky. While widely criticized for his mismanagement of humankind -- which included such blunders as child mortality, blindness, war, hunger and pestilence -- his supporters point to the miracle of life and the ineffable and wondrously awesome beauty of the Universe as compensating factors. There is no word yet about a possible successor, but religious leaders caution that the Ten Commandments remain in effect.

[Roger Slater]

He who said
'Let there be light'
Died in bed
Last Tuesday night.

Some thought He
Did not exist,
Yet all agree
He will be missed.

[R. S. Gwynn]

Homo Sapiens (age uncertain)
Sunday slipped behind the curtain.
Born and reared in Asia Minor,
He was flawed by his designer
But arose through education
To a lord-and-master station.
Working fast and even faster
Caused the biosphere's disaster,
That and slipshod overseeing
Of the earth's Great Chain of Being.
His decline was such a slow one
His survivors number no one.
He had asked to be cremated
By the climate he created.
His was not a happy ending.
Funeral details are pending.

[Roger Slater]

Sam, that's a winner. The slow one/no one lines are great.

MAKER MEETS MAKER

God, who rocketed to power nearly six thousand years ago with the iconoclastic assistance of Abraham the forefather in a giddy whirl of events made famous by the Old Testament, died last night at his mansion in Hollywood, California, of unknown final causes. A recluse to the end, he died alone surrounded by stacks of unanswered prayers.

Early in his career, 'the Almighty', as he was sometimes called, developed a reputation for unpredictable behavior. "You never knew at any given moment whether he would smite or raise up," sources close to God report. "When he was focused, there was nothing he couldn't do," said others, "but he became so easily distracted."

Blessed with a keen sense of irony, God often arranged for the good to die young and the bad to prosper and exploit the masses.

Vladimir Putin and Barack Obama have both said they will attend the funeral.

[John Whitworth]

I'm glad Sam did human beings. I'm going (as always) with God. Watch this space.

[John Whitworth]

I'm not sleeping at night at present. Consequently I've put in the hours on this. It may be taken as a draft. I've been considering rhymes for Nietzsche.


Obituary

His birth was shrouded in a mist
And childhood anecdotes are scant.
His Dad was permanently pissed.
His Mum was probably a plant.

Some say He wasn’t born at all,
Who was and is and will be. If
Such longhaired stuff is on the ball
Then God could never be a stiff.

Hard evidence that He is dead
Is thin, and folks who shoot the breeze
Are either mad or bad or Red
Or freaks or geeks or all of these.

God in His life is many things,
A spirit, beggar, man of parts,
A burning bush, a King of Kings
And generous patron of the Arts.

[Roger Slater]

Lord Elohim Jehova Adonai, known to most of humanity simply as "God," died last night in Mt. Sinai Hospital after treatment for a rare form of existential paradox. "He had already lived an infinite period of time," a hospital spokesman explained, "and since it is impossible to live longer than infinity, there was nothing we could do."

Religious leaders across the world have weighed in to express their profound sadness, but emphasized that God's untimely passing would have no actual effect on their operations. "In recent years, God had retired from day to day management and had taken on a more or less symbolic role," was the typical statement issued by most of the leading church organizations. "We're calling upon our congregants to respond by increasing their level of financial support to help us compensate for this terrible loss. God would have wanted it that way."

[basil ransome-davies]

Nice one, Roger.

[R. S. Gwynn]

I already used "Nietzsche/preachy," John.