[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4213

Set by Leonora Casement

We asked for rules of etiquette for the animal world. To inspire you, we offered advice to a snake: “It’s always possible to offer an apple to a lady.”

This week’s winners
First, many apologies for having set the wrong comp numbers to the new comps for the past two weeks. We are now back on track with 4216. However, do not worry about anything – your entries will be judged in the correct week/order. This week you took a variety of tacks, with some compers sending in long lists of different animals for which they attached a single piece of advice. Others sent in a long polemic to one particular animal. Both made it into the winners’ box. An hon mensh to Una McMorran for her advice to tortoises: they should “allow hares to win occasionally”. The winners below get £20 each, with the Tesco vouchers going, in addition, to Rachel Tuxford.

Vultures Don’t let the fact that you mind being kept waiting prevent your waiting.

Penguins Uniquely, you can attend Royal Ascot naked.

Snails Never invite a bird back home.
Adrian Fry (3)

White rabbit When a white rabbit finds a lost girl down his hole, his first thought should be for her welfare, not stand around muttering about paws and whiskers. Above all, he should not leave bottles of pills lying around without ensuring they are child-proof. Girls who fall down rabbit holes tend to be disorientated. No matter what other pressing engagements he may have, the resident coney should immediately escort the little miss back above ground, always providing he meets official health and safety standards. It should never be assumed that interfacing between animals andhumans is a one-way affair. As an example, and as an appropriate role model for Lepus cuniculus, we instance one Reginald Rabbit, resident of Nutwood.
Barry Baldwin

Wolves When meeting any new young lady in unfamiliar territory always walk on the left side, so as to shield her from any passing traffic. To put her at ease strike up a polite yet not too personal conversation, perhaps remark upon some arresting element of clothing she has on. If you have the pleasure of meeting any elderly family members, take care not to scoff, even if they have given you a tough grilling.
Rachel Tuxford

Cats Your humans will occasionally bring other humans home to entertain you. Show modified gratitude, however disruptive the intrusion may be to your routine: a restrained sniff as greeting and an attitude of amused condescension will suffice. If visitors attempt physical contact play “shy”; it looks endearing and prevents unwanted interference with your fur. Never hiss, even at poorly-trained humans: it betrays a lack of vocabulary and breeding. Remember: you have pedigree; they haven’t. Curb your natural instincts before visitors. If troubled by an Imperative Itch, attempt to scratch this out of sight: do not provoke the dreaded F-word. Should your intimate personal hygiene require urgent attention, be discreet: humans dislike a too vigorous display, especially with enthusiastic sound effects.
D A Prince

Tortoises should keep to the inside lane.

Bears should resist their natural desire to give a friendly hug. A wave will suffice.

Moles should be aware that their hills may be perceived as mountains by their hosts.

Crocodiles should remember that yawning in public is very rude and is open to misinterpretation.
Gerard Benson (4)

Pandas Pay careful attention to the impression that you give. Posture and deportment and a positive body language are as important as engaging in the niceties of polite social interaction, when it comes to receiving visitors correctly. Sitting around looking bored all day, staring into space, chewing listlessly on a monotonous diet, looking overweight and sex starved, with a dour expression and dark rings around your eyes, does not give a good impression at all. However, remember that you are in Scotland now and sadly, this is what you are likely to be confronted with. Remember that they are still your visitors. Smile and endeavour to treat them with respect.
David Silverman