[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4236
Set by Leonora Casement
We asked you to send in apologies to people who have received from you a present meant for another of very different tastes.

This week’s winners
So many battery-powered items sent to the wrong person! We were particularly impressed by the ingenuity of Geoff Howlett’s “loving nephew” who clearly decided to try and right relations with his aged auntie by not even mentioning his mistake at all, just brazenly attempting to persuade her that the item really was intended to be used in her kitchen and his sorrow simply extended to having sent her something a little too complicated for her to get to work. The winners get £20 each this week, with the Tesco vouchers going, in addition, to Geoff Howlett for that added buzz . . .

Dear Margie
I do hope that you haven’t opened the bottle of Château Lafite I recently sent you. I am afraid that the wine I sent is really not the best, in fact the restaurant critic in the Times recently slated it (he said that he had drunk better wine from the bargain bin at Asda). I remember the wonderful wine you served at your recent barbecue – it was sublime and really enhanced the flavour of the sausages, and I would hate to offend your palate with something so inferior as this. I wonder if you could send it back it so I can direct it to the person I had intended (a member of the golf club that I really do not like).
Yours in hope of a successful return, Audrey.
Katie Mallett

Darling
Please unlock the door and let me back in! That Ann Summers red and black lacy lingerie was honestly meant for you, I promise. All right, maybe the chocolate body-paint, handcuffs and toy collection were a little on the risqué side, after 30 years of marriage, but it was just a bit of fun, after all, wasn’t it? And I really thought you’d love the little alternative pet names I thought up for you and wrote on the card. And the mention of those weekends away in Lyme Regis last summer? I thought you’d find it, well, titillating to indulge in a little fantasy . . . It’s getting really cold out here, darling. Please open the door, don’t be silly now . . .
David Silverman

My dearest Aunt
Good heavens, what must you have thought of me? I hope you quickly realised that it was a simple error of inattention (actually it was while I was distracted by a pair of Jehovah’s Witnesses at the door), because believe me my face is the colour of beetroot. After all, if you’d wanted any such thing you would have bought it yourself already, choosing exactly the model you felt right for you (which, considerations of taste aside, I would certainly never have attempted to do).
Dispose of it as you see fit, though you may like to keep the batteries as useful additions to your reserve stock. Here, as I hope at least partial recompense for the faux pas, is Rowan Williams’s book on Saint Teresa, which I’m sure will give you great enjoyment.
Once again with apologies and I hope to hear from you soon.
Basil Ransome-Davies

Dear Nick
I implore you to recognise my gift of Fifty Shades of Grey as a mistake, not a message. It was meant for Sam, who wanted something to while away Euro summits. I asked my people to get you a book outlining the ideological spectrum of Liberal Democracy (or something similar). Well, I came to wrap your gift and mistakenly sent you hers: it must be that title caused my error. I absolutely wasn’t trying to suggest that ours is the abusive relationship depicted therein. But while I don’t imagine Sam will learn much from “your” volume of political theory, you might find “her” book enlightening. As a Europhile, none of the sexually explicit sadomasochistic details will come as a surprise – you did know DSK personally? – but you may learn something from its tremendous popularity. Yours ever, Dave.
Adrian Fry

Dear Aunt Clarissa
I’m so sorry that you are having difficulty with the present I sent you. It’s always the same with new gadgets, don’t you think, and this deluxe battery mini-mixer is perhaps a shade difficult to operate successfully at first. It is designed for narrow containers and the twin speed for your preferred selection. The extra handle is placed for two-handed grip, but I cannot reasonably account for its being labelled a “rabbit”. The luminous purple colour will make it easily identifiable in your kitchen cupboard and I am sure that you will master its idiosyncrasies in no time. Your loving nephew.
Geoff Howlett