[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4237
Set by Will Bellenger
We asked you for film titles with a letter removed and plot summary.

This week’s winners
Well done. Hon menshes to Sid Field and D A Prince (both sent in “One With the Wind”), Ian Birchall “(The Itches of Eastwick”), Sydney Clayton (“The Grapes of Wath”), Margaret Skutsch (“The Hollow Crow”), Mike Berry (“The Dullests”), John Cliff (“Get Carer”), John Eason (“One of Our Plans Is Missing”), Michael Leapman (“Notes on a Sandal”) and Paul Holland (“The Da Vinci Cod”). The winners get £20 each. The Tesco vouchers go, in addition, to David Silverman . . .

The Girl with the Dagon Tattoo
Delilah Salander sits brooding. Her extraordinary intuition tells her that the Israelites aren’t 100 per cent committed to the two-state solution any time soon, nor is Samson the one to deliver it. It’s just a hunch, perhaps prompted by the time he slew 1,000 Philistines with a jawbone. She hires a journalist to investigate the secret of Samson’s strength, then ties him to the bed, cuts his hair and tattoos Leviticus 19:18 on to his forehead. Samson reacts by literally bringing down the house, destroying the Temple of Dagon. Delilah frees herself from the rubble using a hairpin. Only a Philistine would fail to appreciate the cinematography, although perhaps the soundtrack by Tom Jones, the Ikea light fittings in the temple and the casting of Ulrika Jonsson are less than inspired.
David Silverman

The Blair Itch Project
In this psychological horror film, three students are making a documentary as they follow in the footsteps of the legendary Blair, searching for evidence of weapons of mass destruction in the dark, menacing woods. As they find themselves drawn further into the murky depths, a strange mist rises around them and where it touches their skin creates an unbearable irritation: they fear that they are about to come face to face with the Blair Itch. While fighting the impulse to scratch, they realise they are hopelessly lost and come towards the gruesome conclusion: the discovery that the Blair Itch is about to return.
Sylvia Fairley

Three Men in a Boa
Filmed in Belize, this is one of David Attenborough’s best works. Three of his four-man camera team are accidentally swallowed whole by a mighty boa constrictor but Attenborough turns adversity to his advantage and thrills us by explaining their subsequent journey through the snake’s digestive system and how the creature’s enzymes work on them – as it is happening! The film, however, has a shortened but intriguing cliffhanger ending as a result of the sudden unstable and unreliable condition of the remaining cameraman.
Una McMorran

The Neverending Tory
This fantasy-horror biopic is a prequel to The Greatest Tory Ever Told (2008). It charts the early rise of Boris Johnson through the eyes of his alien hairdresser, Wenlock. It is 2005 and having been dispatched by his masters to destroy the earth, Wenlock finds himself woefully ill-equipped to deal with the realities of political life but ironically achieves some local popularity after his crash-landing annihilates part of Stratford. Equally ill-equipped to become a hairdresser (his race has no hair, no binocular vision and only two fingers on each hand), he finds himself sponsored into this bizarre role by the mayor-to-be, who promises Wenlock that his destiny is far more conservative than he could ever have imagined: this is a world without end.
John Griffiths-Colby

Dr Strangelove: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bob
Rachel (Barbara Windsor), a young and beautiful media executive at the height of her powers and popularity, is falsely accused of trying to dispose of evidence that might incriminate her boss, the mysterious, reclusive Dr Strangelove, who has ambitions to rule the media world. “The sky’s the limit” is his often-repeated mantra. Rachel goes to her various influential friends for help: the prime minister (Colin Firth), the chief of police (George Clooney), Dr Strangelove (Alan Sugar). However, all desert her in her hour of need – all, that is, except her personal trainer (Katie Price), who realises she needs a change of image. Off comes her magnificent mane of blonde curls, to be replaced by a simple bob. After initial rebellion, Rachel comes to love her new hairstyle and becomes in the process a simpler, more wholesome person.
Gerard Benson

[Jayne Osborn]

Humph!!! Not one of us with a win or even an hon mensh???? I don't believe it.

Who ARE these people who have taken our rightful places? (If any of them are pseudonyms for the "usual suspects" I shall... um... be very/ rather/ extremely a tad miffed!)

Not that I'm a bad loser or anything, but... Hon Menshes for "One with the Wind"? Come on - tut! - wasn't that just about THE most obvious one of all, and therefore best avoided in favour of something more inventive? As the footballers say, "We was robbed."

Jayne

[Brian Allgar]

Jayne, as I've just suggested to Chris, perhaps we should have sent in this one:

The War of the Words - an army of Eratosphere earthlings engaged in a life-or-death struggle with the New Statesman competition judge (suspected of being a Martian) over the vital question of what is, and what is not, funny.

[Bill Greenwell]

I feel a bit guilty! I hadn't expected the long summaries when I suggested the competition to the NS. Here were mine:

There's One Born Very Minute: Danny De Vito stars as the midget in a
maternity ward drama
The Silence of The Labs: a serial killer fails Chemistry GCSE
Goodbye Mr Hips: a house inspector goes on a crash diet and loses his
job
Of Ice And Men: romcom in igloo
A Hump at Oxford: Quasimodo gets a degree and has a one night stand
Platoo: a yodelling philosopher has to lead some troops out of a logical
impasse
Plp Fiction: carnage as the Labour Party comes to blows over its
Manifesto promises
Gags of New York: stand-up comedians slug it out in The Big Apple
There Will Be Bloo: disaster looms unless supplies of a lavatory cleaner arrive to clean out overflowing city sewers

I think there were enough good gags on Eratosphere to fill a book. Hmmm - just thinking aloud!

Bill

[Janice D. Soderling]

Yes, Bill, there should be a book created of these.

I am literally (well, figuratively anyway) ROTFLMAO.

[Brian Allgar]

Well, it just confirms what I said elsewhere, Bill - that everything posted here was funnier than the long-winded and positively creaking winners. (I particularly liked the ingenious 'One born very minute'.)

Can't you sue them for breach of promise or something?

[basil ransome-davies]

Bring M the Head of Alfredo Garcia.The Central American megalomaniac has not only devastated the global economy in his thirst for world domination but seduced and impregnated the head of MI6's daughter.As Bond heads for Mexico he needs no reminding that he is licensed to kill.
The Izard of Oz.Dorothée is a young orphan living with her uncle and aunt in a Pyrenean village.When her pet chamois Toutou playfully butts her aunt it is taken off to be destroyed, but escapes and rejoins her. Together, they embark on an adventurous journey to a new life in Australia.
ULU. Docudrama about the pressured lives of London University students as they face a massive onslaught of reading lists & essay deadlines.