[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4241
Set by Leonora Casement
The story about Lorraine Dearing in the Daily Mail had us all gripped: “I got home from work and didn’t notice he was missing,” she said. “But then I saw this note . . . and there was a picture of Norman with a kitchen knife next to his throat. We have some really interesting [gnomes] in the garden and some are worth quite a lot of money. I don’t understand why anyone would take Norman . . .There is no way I am paying the ransom . . .” We asked you to explain (in the kidnapper’s confession or, say, a psychiatric report) what could have led up to this unfortunate state of affairs.

This week’s winners
Well done. You all rose to the challenge. Hon menshes to Daniel Williams (“. . . So I took him. And I wish I hadn’t, because I haven’t got a garden to keep him in. So I would like to return him to you now, with a new note – of apology”); Daniel Kitto (“The public are warned that if spotted the gang should not be approached as they are believed to be armed”); John O’Byrne (“Dear Mrs Dearing. I am Gwen, Norman’s wife, and I took him”); and David Silverman (“In the defendant’s deluded mind, Bowie’s dark lyrics: ‘I’m the laughing gnome and you don’t catch me’ contain a stark and terrible warning”). The winners get £25 each, with the Tesco vouchers going, in addition, to Keith Mason.

Police profiler
The individual who has acted in this way is likely to be unsettled, almost nomadic. They will have low self-esteem and will have identified with “Norman” as it is almost the same as “No man”. Also the gnome was on the edge of the pond and they will feel that they are on the peripheral of life. They will feel that they are powerless and stuck in one position, with the world passing them by. So this was an attempt to free a kindred spirit. Putting a knife to a stone throat is just another example of how powerless they feel. I feel that the individual could be helped by taking up a hobby, such as fishing.
Paul Holland

Defence lawyer
If it please M’lud, my client, whilst admitting the charges, states in mitigation that his actions were due to Norman’s controlling influence. He first encountered Norman whilst in a vulnerable state after a failed affair with a Cupid. It was mounted on a bird bath, M’lud. It may have a resemblance to a Manneken Pis, M’lud, but that is immaterial. My client fell rapidly under Norman’s spell and became deeply attached: we shall establish Norman’s plausible but secretive character. Gnomic character? – very droll, M’lud! However, a fulfilling relationship proved difficult: Norman maintained he was never given time off, being forced to fish constantly in an ornamental pond. The situation became desperate, so they hatched a plan to elope, so to speak. With no funds, however, swayed by Norman’s baleful manipulations, they staged a fake “kidnapping” to extort money, which led to the charges before you.
Keith Mason

Newspaper report
Armed police surrounded a property in Reading today and later a 19-year-old man was taken away in handcuffs. The incident appears to have arisen from the kidnapping of “Norman”, a garden gnome, from a property in Swindon. One of the arrested man’s neighbours who does not wish to be named said, “I never thought he’d be involved in anything like this. He was a bit of a loner, kept himself to himself, didn’t seem to go out much. Mind you – these students, who knows what they get up to?”
A Thames Valley Police spokesman explained: “It’s all very well to write this off as a drunken undergraduate prank but our response was proportionate. These terrorists will stop at nothing and the public must understand that we cannot let any threat go disregarded.”
It is understood that the suspect is currently in intensive care at a local hospital.
G M Davis

The gnome’s story
There I was, tastefully displayed, holding my lantern aloft – not quite Holman Hunt but artistic nonetheless; then I saw the light. Why was I doing this? Two long years on this patch of grass, enduring humiliation and insults; injury, too. Take Mrs D’s repair job on my hand – blown over in the wind, she said. A careless moment with the strimmer if you want the truth. She slapped on a bit of glue but I’ve not been the same since.
I needed a plan to fund a better life. By chance, Mrs D had left her camera on the garden seat, along with a kitchen knife. So, a whispered word with the meerkat across the lawn, a quick photo, a scribbled note and I was over the fence and away.
All for nothing. I’d given that woman two years of my life and I wasn’t worth a £10 ransom!
Sylvia Fairley