[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4249
Set by Helen Cox
The “naked rambler” has been arrested and jailed many times. We asked you how the following people might explain to him why he must be clothed: a child, an anthropologist, a philosopher, a psychiatrist, a policeman, a neighbour, a sex or social worker or a clergyman.

This week’s winners
Well done. An hon mensh to Adrian Fry’s philosopher (“It is disappointing that you have chosen to disobey Russell’s and Whitehead’s law of the occluded middle. Neither topless nor bottomless rambling need be problematic so long as the middle is suitably occluded”). The five winners can each have £20 and the Tesco vouchers go, in addition, to John Griffiths-Colby.

A philosopher
I’ve explained many times that the basis of all morality must be to act only according to that maxim whereby you can at the same time will that it should become a universal law without contradiction. So apply this concretely. Do you think Michael Gove should go round visiting schools with no clothes on? Can you imagine what Gove looks like naked? No, actually, just think of the effect. How much distress would he cause to innocent young people? All right, he’s causing lots of distress already. But that’s no reason to cause even more.
Or should Ed Miliband address the Labour party conference naked? The poor sod has no ideas and no personality and you want him to have no clothes, too? And if those examples won’t convince you, I ask you, think of Vince Cable . . .
Ian Birchall

A child
Put your pants on, please, or you’ll get goosebumps on your bottom. The longer you stand there like that, the colder you’ll get. Come on, you need to get dressed now or you’ll not get any breakfast. I’ve put all my clothes on today, so why can’t you? I bet there are lots of people all round the world putting their clothes on at this very minute. You don’t want to be different from them, do you? Look, it’s not big and it’s not clever. I’ve seen quite enough of your willy today, thank you very much, and if you haven’t put your pants on before I count to ten, I’ll call a policeman and he’ll come and cut it off. Put your bloody clothes on and look sharp about it. Because I said so!
Peter Barnes

Another philosopher
It is not clever, it is evidently not big and it is certainly not existentialist, if that’s what you’re thinking. Yes, we are free to choose to go naked but with that freedom comes a terrible responsibility. We must choose to engage with the world, to commit ourselves to meaningful action and, like Orestes, choose to act decisively against injustice, inauthenticity, lies and mauvaise foi.
Rambling is not an act. It is not even being: it is nothingness. Existence begins on the other side of your aimless rambling. If you must go naked, go naked to the UN Security Council, to the G20, to the BBC, to the Murdochs and to the bankers. Go naked and confront Angela Merkel or Sepp Blatter. Do you have the courage to create through action a meaning for your existence? If not, get dressed and get over it.
David Silverman

A neighbour
As your neighbour, I am actually one of the lucky ones, since you are hardly ever in. It’s only myself and a few others who appreciate your always appearing fully clothed in the confines of your house and garden. I feel it’s only fair that you extended this same courtesy to the general public. I appreciate that you sit astride a paradox of personal freedoms, much as you might tackle a freshly refurbished, splintered stile between two fields, but organised society does recognise this to the extent that individuals are free to exercise these types of liberties at home.
I know you, to some degree at least, while the public does not. Hence I am happy to “take one for the team”, thus sparing them the inevitable shock of encountering you on a quiet byway. If you want to talk to someone in confidence, please try rambleaware.co.uk.
John Griffiths-Colby

A sex worker
I’ll not beat about the bush. You are giving away your body, when some of us women – and men – make a living by charging others to see ours. This low-cut top I’m wearing? You like it, I can tell. If we went around in the buff all the time, punters wouldn’t pay to watch us. I’m a striptease artiste. Would Herod have paid for Salome’s “no veils” routine?
You’re setting a bad example. Some tease in your outfit might work wonders. Have you ever thought about the hen-night circuit? Lumberjack checked shirt, button-fly jeans, bobble hat strategically deployed . . . I can hear them now: “Get ’em off!” Incidentally, here’s my business card.
Derek Morgan

An hon mensh for Adrian Fry this week. Otherwise, the cupboard, like the rambler, is bare.