[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4256
Set by J Seery
Justin Welby used to work in the oil business. We asked for suggestions of how he might run the Church of England on more businesslike lines.

This week’s winners
Hon menshes to David Silverman (“For centuries, we have served God. It’s time for a change”) and Derek Morgan (“We must charge for services”). The winners get £25, with the Tesco vouchers going, in addition, to D A Prince.

Nouvelle vague
The Church needs to rethink what it is selling. There is reason to believe that if the Church were to rebrand itself, it could make substantial gains in the agnostic/ humanist sector of the market. Without abandoning its Christian values, it should build on the pragmatism and vagueness that have always characterised the Church of England. We propose a bold advertising campaign directed at this potential market, using the slogan: “God probably doesn’t give a toss. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.”
Ian Birchall

Supermarket sweep
I propose new-wave thinking to realign our position vis-à-vis the competition, while increasing footfall. For consideration: A “supermarket” approach to develop a snacking habit (dropping in for parts of services, such as the final hymn, post-service coffee);
Two-for-one offers (baptisms, weddings) to entice cash-strapped customers (not funerals, in the initial stages);
Self-service communion (similar to self check-out), for those who dislike queuing;
With sales now a significant secular “festival”, we could offer
“clearance bargain confessions”.
D A Prince

Taking the biscuit
First, we could scrap Sundays: set up sessions on Skype and stop dragging people out of bed at some ungodly hour. No need for droning sermons. Just send some tweets. I’d make an exception for Easter and Christmas but no more free wine. The punters can bring a bottle –we’ll charge corkage – or buy a glass from us. Let’s scrap those wafers. Christ won’t mind celebrating his body with Hobnobs.
Barry Baldwin