[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4270
Set by Leonora Casement
A serious philosopher or thinker, dead or alive, offers words of wisdom on the problem page of a named newspaper or journal. We asked for the problem and the philosopher’s reply.

This week’s winners
What fun you all had. I’m afraid we took exception to some of the “thinkers” and “philosophers” you decided were up to replying to the readers’ problems. David Beckham? Adolf Hitler? Really? Hmm. An hon mensh to Chris O’Carroll for Freud’s reply to a woman complaining of her husband talking about his mother and his dreams all the time while lying on the sofa: “In your letter, we observe a classic case of transference in your effort to woo a magazine’s agony aunt as your ally against your husband. There is much work to be done here.” The winners get £25 each, with the Tesco vouchers going, in addition, to Paul Wheeler . . .

The Guardian
I have a lover who insists on paying for everything. This makes me feel as if I am in her debt and causes me great physical anxiety, one that is inhibiting me.
Karl Marx replies: The addictionof the bourgeoisie to trade, the trafficking in comestibles, transportation costs and the exchange of dollars for entrance fees are all fulfilling the vicarious needs of the materialist classes. All of them are like oil used not to make machinery safer but to grease a palm. There is a certain profanity, a feudal impulse in these transactions. Nonetheless, there is a curious poetry in this denial of your wallet.
A gesture may well be a commodity but a revolutionary way of dealing with a commodity is to assign it no value. As the partner in a process of redistribution, you need not fear of sexual congress being any less pleasant.
Bill Greenwell

Pets magazine
Our young son wants to keep a rhinoceros. My wife and I think that this is impractical in a maisonette. Can you suggest an alternative?
Bertrand Russell replies:
Whilst sharing rooms at Cambridge, Wittgenstein and I frequently argued about whether it could be conclusively demonstrated that there was not a rhinoceros in the room. I suggest that you contend that your son already has a rhinoceros, capitalising upon both the more sophisticated philosophical arguments available to you as educated adults and his natural inclination to find his wish gratified. The practical advantages of such an arrangement are clear; the creature need not be of actual or consistent size and will be satisfied with a diet of food as purely abstract as itself.
What your son will have is the Platonic form of which all rhinoceroses are mere examples, so do make sure he looks after it.
Adrian Fry

Nuts
My nephews are visiting me over Easter and I wondered whether I should give them a chocolate egg or be more health-aware and give them some money to spend?
Sigmund Freud replies: Easter is a festival of rebirth in which children must exorcise the terrors of nature and be reconciled to the cruelties of fate. The religious iconography and egg worship is a sop that will encourage the child to develop obsessional rituals and suppress instinctual impulses.
The giving of money will confuse the nephews by linking financial security with unseen gods, rather than with personal effort, and hence you will foster neuroses. So I suggest that you organise an egg hunt instead, ideally a naked one with a chocolate phallus as the main prize. Sweet dreams.
Paul Wheeler

Daily Mirror
I can’t get my party or the government (let alone voters) to take me seriously. What should I do? Yours, Ed
Karl Marx replies: Consider writing a huge, dull book. Maybe two. The British Library is very comfortable and takes all the papers. It would keep you out of the house (and the House), make you look serious and reduce angst. Why not encourage your more absurd followers to be really outrageous? You will then look moderate and so gain in popularity. Look what Boris does for Dave!
There’s not much to gain from ending capitalism, as the workers rely on it for their pension plans. There’s no point, either, in abolishing private property. What would that do to house prices in Primrose Hill, eh?
Shirley Curran