No 4271
Set by Leonora Casement
We asked for contemporary advertising techniques applied to products from a bygone age.
This week’s winners
First, many apologies for the due date for competition 4273, set last week. It should have been 2 May, not 9 May. This week, an hon mensh goes to Bill Greenwell (“Are you plagued by plague? Unable to cross a street without facing the whiff of rotting peasant? Well, now you can bring a halt to this pestilence with our brand new pomander . . .”). The winners get £25 each, with the Tesco vouchers going, in addition, to Rob Stuart.
Neigh sayers
Injuns too fast for you? Ranch too darn big to walk around? Sounds like you need a Horse™!
The Horse™, from Natural Selection™, represents a stunning advance in ungulate zoology. It packs a whopping one horsepower and can reach speeds of up to 55 miles per hour in just a few strides.
Whether you’re dispensing a bit of rough justice to a Mexican bandit or simply wanting transport home from the saloon after a heavy night on the gulping whiskey, the Horse™ takes care of all your frontiersman’s needs. Thanks to its generously proportioned rump, the Horse™ can carry up to 200 pounds in baggage. It comes with alloy shoes as standard, runs on lead-free hay and produces emissions that are 100 per cent biodegradable.
“It’s a boon!” – the Man with No Name.
Rob Stuart
Pyramid scheme
Tired of waiting forever for that pyramid of your dreams? Had enough of blockheaded masonry sales patter? Come on round to the Giza Geezers™ Showroom of Geometrical Solutions and talk to our master slave-drivers about how we can make your dream our priority. Or arrange for one of our representatives to call on you with a portfolio bursting with effortlessly stylish ground plans and packed with fabulous wall-painting designs.
Pharaoh’s Fortunes magazine described one of our latest pyramids as “simply the most beautiful monument we’ve ever seen”.
How do we do it? Check us out on
www.gizageezers.com. See how we don’t cut corners: we sharpen them!
With blueprints available for one, two or more sarcophagus pyramids and block work for every budget, for a pyramid you’ll love and your family will cherish and enjoy for years to come, we’re sure you’ll be glad you consulted the Giza Geezers™!
Carolyn Thomas-Coxhead
Target practice
Order your MegaTech Maxflight longbow today! Handcrafted from English woods, this is a collector’s item. It offers a range of 295 paces – ten paces further than anything else on the market today – and a tighter grouping on the target. If you are considering travelling abroad, it’s good to know it can pierce all known foreign armour (using just 90 per cent of full draw) at 30 paces and is equally effective against horses.
Standard accessories include our famous “Crispin” range of rainproof bowstrings, “Agincourt” arrows (as used in the last French competition) and the “War Hammer” arrow, which is outstanding against plate as well as mail.
Select from a wide range of quivers and a variety of finishes and take a look at our “Bowman” clothing range in authentic buckram (or the fashionable imported “Jacquerie” for her). Order today from Tower of London. Special prices for orders of more than 10,000!
Charles Curran
There will be blood
Listless? Out of humour? Visit Bloodsuckers.com – the leading name in bloodletting! All our leeches are hygienically reared in an organic environment. We can offer all sizes, from the portable model in a chic faux-suede pouch – slip it into your handbag, ladies! – to the popular standard model and the deluxe, which comes with its own disposable bloodbath.
Our economy extra-large, family-size leeches measure an astounding ten inches – and also make charming pets!
Listen to our delighted customers. Mr Hemoridge from Gorefield says: “Used ’em for years, they’re bleedin’ marvellous!” And a teenager from Forks, Washington, writes: “They’re cool, man – they make your blood run cold.”
Try some today! Tell your friends! We are constantly researching new sources. Our motto: “Always on the lookout for suckers!” Be our next satisfied customer, let us bleed you now!
Sylvia Fairley
New Statesman -- old tyme adverts winners
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