[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4275
By Leonora Casement
We want a cogent piece of writing that includes the words: sparrow, destiny, diva, pizza, gecko, blog, don, gestation, Luger, and judge.
Max 150 words by 16 May comp@newstatesman.co.uk

[George Simmers]

So that could be a poem...
Best kept to 16 lines, do you think?

[Brian Allgar]

Absolutely. Lucy sometimes allows poems even when not explicitly called for, but I think they would have to obey the usual rules.

Damn! Wrong competition!

To the best of my knowledge, Vicky at the New Statesman never accepts verse unless specified, which these days is hardly ever. (When you think that once upon a time, the Competition editor was James Fenton ... O tempora! O mores!)

[Rob Stuart]

I'm confused. This competition is set by neither Vicky nor Lucy but Leonora! Is that a green flag for verse or not, do we think?

[Brian Allgar]

This job was a cinch. I handled it during my lunch-time. Still chewing on my pepperoni pizza, I aimed my Luger. Pow! Whacking this dame was easy as popping a sparrow.

I went to the big house to report my success.

The Godfather was feeding his pet gecko bits of what looked suspiciously like human flesh. He was not happy at my news. “I told ya to take out this stool-pigeon, Frankie Deever, not the diva at the opera! How am I gonna explain to my family that they won’t be going to ‘Don Giovanni’ and ‘The Force of Destiny’?” He went on to suggest that before being born, I had the gestation period of an amoeba.

Well, I’m no judge of music, but I’d once hit on this dame’s blog and listened to her screeching. I considered I’d done the world a service.

The gecko was eyeing me hungrily.

[Roger Slater]

I blog about geckos. Not just scientific facts about their gestation and breeding, but quirky human interest stories as well. My most popular story was about a nearsighted gecko who was tricked into marriage by a sparrow. Does this offend nature? You judge. Many people were taken with my portrait of a famous diva, formerly a member of Destiny's Child, who was rumored to enjoy caramelized gecko on pizza before every performance. My most disturbing story was about the mafia don who lined up a hundred and twenty geckos and murdered them with just one bullet from his Luger. If you are a book publisher, please call me.

[Brian Allgar]

Originally Posted by Rob Stuart

I'm confused. This competition is set by neither Vicky nor Lucy but Leonora! Is that a green flag for verse or not, do we think?

Rob, "Leonora Casement" is, I believe, actually Vicky Hutchings. The fact is, the New Statesman doesn't like verse unless requested. John will tell you it's because they're all lefties.

[Rob Stuart]

I’ve never considered it appropriate to judge restaurants in terms of international rankings, but put a Luger to my head and I’d have to say that Pretenzioso is, for my money, the best in the world. Many a food blog has dismissed head chef Al Dente as a talentless diva who is routinely abusive to customers and staff alike and incapable of making a round of toast let alone a five-course meal, but for clever people like me he is nothing less than the don of the New Cooking, brilliant, visionary and absolutely dedicated to the pursuit of perfection; the sparrow and Murray mint pizza was, famously, a full five years in gestation, and it remains uncertain what destiny ultimately awaits the gecko and dog-sneeze smoothie, eight years in development and counting. This is genius, pure and simple, and I assure you that you are not worthy.

[Rob Stuart]

With you, Brian. Thanks for the clarification.

[Roger Slater]

Even still, I'm hoping John will favor us with a verse incorporating the words.