[Jayne Osborn]

I’m not quite sure what to make of this one. (I can think of much better advice for a happy marriage… )

Jayne

The Oldie Competition
by Tessa Castro

Competition no 196.
Asked for advice for a happy marriage, a friend was told: ‘Always dance in the kitchen’. A poem of that title, please. Maximum 16 lines.

Entries, by post (The Oldie, 65 Newman Street, London W1T 3EG), fax (020 7436 8804) or email (comps@theoldie.co.uk) to ‘Competition No. 196’ by 13th November.

Don’t forget to include your postal address.

[Brian Allgar]

I’d been married twenty years or so, and life was lacking spice
Till I got my best friend’s recipe, and followed his advice.

We were dancing in the kitchen, and my hands began to rove;
There was something spicy cooking, but not only on the stove.
As she nibbled on the starter (no, I don’t mean chicken wings),
I discarded all the dressing, and untied the apron-strings.
And to follow, a carpaccio of tender, well-oiled rump
While I let the main course simmer till the breasts were nicely plump.
Then the moment came to lay that scrumptious dish upon the table,
So I grabbed the bird, and spread the legs as fast as I was able.
(All was natural, organic, for we don’t believe in faking.)
A voracious appetite soon had us steaming, boiling, baking -
But I got a nasty shock as I was serving up the sauce;
My wife had come home early, and it ended in divorce.

Let me offer you this moral that will simplify your life:
If you’re dancing in the kitchen, just be sure it’s with your wife.

[Adrian Fry]

Brian, that's a marvellous poem!

[Tom Parker]

As bad as the phrase sounds now, I did actually laugh out loud when I read that Brian.
Delicious.

[John Whitworth]

Lovely, Brian, but I don't think Tessa likes them rude. Lucy is more earthy altogether. So here's something very clean for her. Apart from a bare derriere of course. Could some kind person stick the French thingy on derriere? Jayne?

Always Dance in the Kitchen

Always dance in the kitchen
If you kiss on the stair.
Feel those shoulders a-twitchin’
Knees and ankles are itchin’.
Trousers burst through their stitchin’.
Shake that bare derrière.
When you dance in the kitchen’
Dance away all your care.

Always dance in the kitchen.
Wear a rose in your hair.
Stop that moanin’ and bitchin’.
Flyin’ feet are bewitchin’.
Park your troubles and pitch in.
Print those steps on the air.
Dance for joy in the kitchen’.
Love means wanting to share.

It ought to have a tune to go to.

[Brian Allgar]

Originally Posted by John Whitworth

Lovely, Brian, but I don't think Tessa likes them rude.

Rude, John? But there is nothing in my piece that cannot be read as the perfectly innocent description of a meal. Is it my fault if Tessa has a dirty mind?

Originally Posted by John Whitworth

Could some kind person stick the French thingy on derriere?

Just cut and paste this, John:

è

[Roger Slater]

ALWAYS DANCE IN THE KITCHEN

Gordon Ramsay told me once,
"To find a happy niche in
The world of haute cuisine, my son,
Always dance in the kitchen.

"Do not prepare a French soufflé
Or macerate a mango
Without a box step or plié,
A can-can, jig or tango.

"Don't bake a cake or ginger snap
Or render chicken schmaltz
Unless you are prepared to tap,
To square dance, or to waltz."

My first job out of cooking school,
I did the bossa nova.
Was Ramsay joking? I'm a fool.
My short career is over.

[John Whitworth]

Thank you, Brian.

Here's a version in four-line stanzas. More singable somehow.


Always Dance in the Kitchen

Feel those shoulders twitchin'.
Love means wanting to share.
Always dance in the kitchen
When you kiss on the stair.

Flyin’ feet are bewitchin’.
Wear a rose in your hair.
Dance, dance, dance in the kitchen
When you kiss on the stair.

Trousers burst their stitchin’.
Shake that bare derrière.
Dance for joy in the kitchen
When you kiss on the stair.

Park your troubles and pitch in.
Print those steps on the air.
Always dance in the kitchen
When you kiss on the stair.

It sort of goes to 'Dance around in your bones'.

[Julie Steiner]

John, when I hold down my "e" key, it eventually cries for mercy and gives me 7 choices onscreen:

è é ê ë ē ė ę
1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Then I just type the number of the one I want, and it appears in my Sphere post. Similar things happen when I hold down other letters with variants, e.g.:

ñ ń
1 2

Do others lack this superpower? When you hold down your "e" key, do you just get eeeeeeeeee? Maybe it's a Mac thing.

[Brian Allgar]

John, the accent has disappeared again from your new version!

Julie, when I hold down the 'e' key, what I get is a string of eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee's, so it must be a Mac thing.

John again, if you use Microsoft Word, you can get the accents by clicking on the 'Insert' button at the top of the screen, then clicking on 'Symbol' in the scroll-down menu.