[Susan McLean]

Nightingale Pie

Inspired by a dream recounted by A.E. Stallings

It's midnight. I'm trapped in
a dream in which I
am eating some nightingales
baked in a pie.

I wake up in horror.
Forgive me, John Keats,
for seeing such songsters
as edible treats!

For surely a poet
should know that it's wrong
to pay them for singing
by killing the song.

Like Poe with his raven,
I'd merit the curse
of nightingales trilling
reproach on my verse.

And though I have slaughtered
no songbirds, I know
the gut-churning flavor
of swallowing crow.


Revisions:
S1L1 "having" was "trapped in" reverted to "trapped in"
Previous S4:
Instead of a raven,
I'd merit the curse
of nightingales trilling
disdain for my verse.
S4L3-4 "trilling / reproach on" was "nightly / deriding"

[Alexandra Baez]

That's quite a dream! Susan, your piece works well for me, except that L1's enjambed "in" felt awkward to my ear. Throughout, great clarity, childlike simplicity, and appropriately, a songlike quality. I'm reminded of

Sing a song of sixpence
A pocket full of rye
Four and twenty blackbirds
Baked in a pie
When the pie was opened
The birds began to sing
Wasn't that a dainty dish
To set before a king?

But of course, yours gently adds layers of sophistication. I love your last two lines.

[RCL]

Susan,

Clever and amusing with a sharp ending.

[Roger Slater]

I like it, except I'm not sure why the raven pops up in the poem. Some sort of Poe allusion, I guess, but I think your hands are full with Keats. Maybe omit that stanza?

[Susan McLean]

Alexandra, I thought of that nursery rhyme, too, when I first heard of this dream. The enjambment on "in" is odd, I know, but it was meant to emphasize the metrical pattern, which one could call either a double amphibrach or anapestic dimeter.

Ralph, I am glad to hear you liked it.

Roger, I was trying to link birds with poets and a feeling of wrongness. That combination evoked Poe's raven and eating crow.

Susan

[Roger Slater]

Maybe something like "Poe had his raven, / but I have the curse..."?

[Andrew Frisardi]

I like this. I concur with Alexandra about the enjambment in line 1, which I think is also a rough start metrically. Replacing “trapped in” with “having” would get the dimeter going better.

The ending is perfect, although not too long ago someone critiqued my use of the phrase “to eat crow” as being no longer current. Is that true? I don’t know, but thought I’d mention it.

[Susan McLean]

Roger, I hope that mentioning a raven will evoke Poe without his having to be named. The retribution is imagined rather than actual.

Andrew, "having" is less vivid than "trapped in," but since both you and Alexandra find the meter of "trapped in" to be less clear, I have switched to it. It may be that no one speaks of eating crow anymore, but I think the audience for metrical verse skews older than average, so they may have no trouble knowing what I mean.

Susan

[Julie Steiner]

I don't understand what "Instead of a raven" is doing syntactically. None of the ways I try to paraphrase that stanza make sense:

     I, instead of a raven, would be the one to merit the curse of nightingales trilling disdain for my verse.

     Instead of meriting a raven, I would merit the curse of nightingales trilling disdain for my verse.

     I would merit the curse of nightingales trilling disdain for my verse, instead of trilling a raven.

Do you need that stanza, and the extraneous raven? For me, the crow is enough. I'd suggest cutting that stanza.

[R. Nemo Hill]

Susan,

I like Julie's idea of eliminating the raven verse.
S3 & S5 join up quite tightly together, which is in harmony with the seamless metrics.
In this case, I think brisk and succinct is best, and while I don't mind the raven stanza, it is a bit of a detour, a distraction.

Nemo