[Julie Steiner]

Draft Two:

Dragonfruit

My sister claims there's someone nasty dwelling
within the empty house, in some dimension
none can see. Her certainty's compelling.
A lack of information breeds invention.

We saw the signs: FOR SALE, then SOLD, then nothing.
The grass gets cut each Thursday by a service.
But past the turf, a cactus patch keeps birthing
dragonfruit. Now, even Dad looks nervous.

Ignoring the rotting bounty, workers come and
go through flies. The lawn’s their only focus.
Without a name, our neighbor can’t be summoned
by keyboard, bell, or candle hocus-pocus.

Adults don’t care who’s peering from those shutters.
(Voldemort? Lobelia Sackville-Baggins?)
“I only hope we don’t get rats,” Dad mutters.
My sister deadpans, right on cue, “Or dragons.”


S1L1: My sister claims a villain must be dwelling
S1L4 was moved to S1L1 and changed from "A lack" to "Lack," then back again.
S2L4: enormous, lurid dragonfruit. We’re nervous.
S3L3: Our nameless, formless neighbor can’t be summoned


Draft One was:


Dragonfruit

My sister claims a nasty neighbor's dwelling
within the empty house, in some dimension
we cannot see. Her stories are compelling.
A lack of information breeds invention.

We saw the signs: FOR SALE, then SOLD, then nothing.
The grass gets cut each Thursday by a service.
But past the turf, a tree has started birthing
enormous, lurid dragonfruit. We’re nervous.

Blind to the fallen bounty, workers come and
go each week. The lawn’s their only focus.
The nameless, faceless owner can’t be summoned
by keyboard, bell, or candle hocus-pocus.

Adults don’t care who’s peering from those shutters—
Voldemort or Vera Sackville-Baggins.
“I only hope we don’t get rats,” Dad mutters.
My sister doesn’t miss a beat: “Or dragons.”

[Susan McLean]

Julie, I think it is fun. I especially enjoy the conclusion. L1 is a bit ambiguous at first because "neighbor's" could be either possessive of a contraction.

Susan

[Julie Steiner]

Thanks, Susan. I've moved things around to fix the L1 wobble.

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Julie,

I like the way the N is reporting the sister's observations beginning to end. I have one suggestion I am loathe to proffer, given you are more expert than I in grammar, but I wonder what you would think of showing the sister's final comment as "...or dragons." Would this show it more clearly as a continuation of the dad's comment?

All the best,
Jim

[Carl Copeland]

Julie, I think I liked the “neighbor” better, but you’ve revised both drafts, so I can’t compare. I’d also rather not start the poem so sententiously. I noticed Susan’s potential ambiguity, but it was so fleeting that I didn’t mind it. I also miss Lobelia. Lastly, I wonder why the “bounty” of dragonfruit made you so nervous.

[Julie Steiner]

Thanks, Jim. I think an ellipsis might undermine the deadpanness a bit.

Carl, my apologies — got my drafts mixed up. Draft 1 is now actually Draft 1 again. I've made some tweaks to Draft 2 in response to your comments, but I have documented them. Hoping the connection between the fallen fruit and Dad's worries is a little less mysterious now.

[R. Nemo Hill]

I like this one, Julie. One way to make the dragonfruit more nerve-wracking might be to change it in the body of the poem to dragon's fruit. Though I think it fine the way it is.

Nemo

[Jim Moonan]

.
Yes, it is fun and ever so slightly unnerving. In fact, I wish it were darker. It seems to be four stanzas that go nowhere. That may sound like more of a crit than I mean it to be. It feels arrested. I’d love to read a final stanza that abruptly goes headlong into a dark place a la Edgar Allen Poe. But I’m also happy to go nowhere and simply muse.

You may very well have heard/seen this spoken word song by Tom Waits. It deviates from your poem but I think you both start on the same page.


.

[David Callin]

Great rhyming, Julie - I particularly like "come and" and "summoned". And you handle the metre really well too, although I wonder whether "Despite" would be better than "Ignoring" at the start of S3.

And would "something" be better in L1?

Anyway, I like it. Nice to see Lobelia Sackville-Baggins getting a rare run out.

Cheers

David

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Hi Julie,

Your initial inaccurate use of tree threw me out I am glad that you have excused same.

Mapped out there is always “Here be Dragons” on the unknown edge. L4 S1 perfect.