[Trevor Conway]

A single point of infinite density
gave way to expansion;
heat, immense heat,
energy that had to go somewhere.

All the forces of physics came trickling
through endless fingers of space,
all the elements:
helium, hydrogen, deuterium and more;
clusters bound by gravity
conglomerated to galaxies,
stars and quasars, supernovae:
magnesium,
nitrogen,
carbon,
oxygen,
spread into the hurried expanse.

Suns exerted their influence
in the slow business of solar systems;
within one,
at the edge of a nondescript galaxy,
energy embarked on a new form –
at first simple,
just single cells,
steadily complicating
through mitosis and meiosis,
to insects, arachnids, myriapods and molluscs,
fish that swivelled with pulsing gills.
Lungs inflated, tasted air;
skin dried to the touch of sun,
and legs pushed through land and water.

The rocky surface of Earth
invited plants and restless creatures.
Reptiles governed;
some filled with warm blood,
feathers, eggs, milk, fur.

And recently – very recently, in fact –
a large-brained, balding primate
multiplied inexhaustibly
and colonised most available space.
Some escaped the jaws of beasts,
survived disease and anything else
that might have ended them
before they mated, by force or consent,
and led,
one day like any other,
to you.

[Simon Hunt]

I'm going to be tough on this one, Trevor. I like the swivelling fish, and the "leads to you" angle gives the poem a point...

But is it enough of a point to justify the lengthy preceding rehearsal of familiar information?

Not for me. It's sometimes well-described, but often it reads like a(n alphabet) soup of polysyllabic words from textbooks.

Sorry to be so blunt, but it's my true reaction here.

Best wishes,
--Simon

[John Riley]

This reads like notes for a possible poem. It may be a good poem when it’s finished. The idea isn’t bad. Posted too soon is my thought.

[Roger Slater]

I agree with Simon. It goes on too long for the punchline ending. To me it seems to have the same arc and argument as many children's picture books, but with the vocabulary and syntax of an adult poem. You might consider rewriting this with a target audience of 8 year olds.

[Nick McRae]

I was reading through Fussell's Poetic Meter & Poetic Form recently, and was reminded (again) of a critical aspect of any resonant poem - either emotional or intellectual pull.

Language (and your language is reasonably strong here) isn't enough, there has to be a reason for a reader to care about what they're reading. In this case it sounds like that's what you're shooting for, but I just didn't find the theme compelling enough to get my heart rate up. If the poem were quite a bit shorter that might not necessarily be a problem, but with such length the poem drags a bit.

I wouldn't fret, though, finding something worthwhile to say may be hardest part of poetry because you can't really control the strike of inspiration. I'd just bear in mind that it's an important (the most important?) part of writing something that resonates.

[Joe Crocker]

The reference in S3 to the sun at the edge of a nondescript galaxy took me back to Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy

"Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea."

There is language and phrases that I like here (eg fish swivelling with pulsing gills) but nothing quite vibrant enough to excite me. I am sure you could make something more gripping with this material. So, as the Guide says "DON'T PANIC"

Joe

[Trevor Conway]

Thanks for all the honest reactions on this, Joe, Nick, Roger, John and Simon. It's always good to get a sense of whether a poem is worth pursuing or not. I gather that what I'm presenting here is something that is probably too familiar to things that the reader has heard before.

Thanks again, all.

Trev