[Susan McLean]

Day of the Dead (second revision)

As if the day had taken on her calm
and warmth, a sky serene and blue extends
above the blazing maples. While her friends
and family gather, breezes soft as balm
flutter the tablecloths and vibrant vases
of cannas and zinnias. How can we remember,
given our lively chat and smiling faces,
we're picnicking in volatile November?

Above the tableful of photos flies
a vee of geese, still low, in close formation,
honking in concord as they carry on
their sociable, long-distance conversation.
We pause to watch them as they slowly rise
and fade until, like Mother, they are gone.


Revisions:
L3 "While" was "As"
L6 "How can we" was "Who can now"
L7 "given" was "seeing"


Day of the Dead (revision)

As if the day had taken on her calm
and warmth, a sky serene and blue extends
above the blazing maples. As her friends
gather, a breeze as gentle as a balm
flutters the tablecloths and vibrant vases
of cannas and zinnias. Who can now remember
we're picnicking in volatile November,
seeing our lively chat and smiling faces?

Above the tableful of photos flies
a vee of geese, still low, in close formation,
honking in concord as they carry on
their sociable, long-distance conversation.
We pause to watch them as they slowly rise
and fade until, like Mother, they are gone.


Day of the Dead

As if the day had taken on her calm
and warmth, a sky serene and blue extends
above the blazing maples. As her friends
and family gather, gentle as a balm
the breeze flutters the tablecloths and vases
of cannas and zinnias. Who can now remember
we're picnicking in volatile November,
seeing our lively chat and smiling faces?

Above the tableful of photos flies
a vee of geese, still low, in close formation,
honking in concord as they carry on
their sociable, long-distance conversation.
We pause to watch them as they slowly rise
and fade until, like Mother, they are gone.

[Rick Mullin]

This one is a beauty, Susan. I love "volatile November" and the impact of the geese at the end.

The one area where, on first reading, I stumbled is:

As her friends
and family gather, gentle as a balm
the breeze flutters the tablecloths and vases
of cannas and zinnias.

I couldn't help, at first, reading that the gathering friends are a balm. Obviously that's not what you're saying. But the rhyme requirement and metrical placement of said rhyme creates a stop-and-start. What you're saying is, "As her friends and family gather, the breeze, gentle as a balm, flutters the...etc" It's one of those things that reminds me we're reading formal verse whereas that was the furthest thing from my mind up until and, certainly, after that point.

Rick

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Susan—

I like this poem very much. You do a very impressive job of building your memorable scene by balancing contrasting images: calm/volatile, blue/blazing, summer/fall, people/geese, loneliness/companionship, mourning/smiling. The only thing I questioned was the title. It made me think at first that this was a ceremony in honor of el día de los muertos rather than a celebration of life for the N’s mother.

Glenn

[Roger Slater]

I like the poem a well. Maybe turn "gentle" into "gently"?

[Rick Mullin]

...On something like the fourth reading, I get that the gathering is gentle as a balm, which gets me through that pass. Might still be an area of concern.

[Susan McLean]

Rick, I took your suggestion for reordering L4. It does make for a more natural syntax. Thanks.

Glenn, I am glad you liked the contrasts. The celebration was on Nov. 1, the Day of the Dead, and borrowed some details from what I have learned about that tradition. That date was unseasonably warm this year, which made the picnic possible.

Roger, I have tried to address that problem in the revision, though with a different approach suggested by Rick.

Susan

[Roger Slater]

That solution works well.

I wonder if you might replace "gentle" with "soothing" or some other adjective that is more specifically associated with a "balm"? As you now have it, the word "balm" made me pause to wonder what exactly you meant, and I think calling it "soothing" would have made the simile clearer for me.

PS--
And one other suggestion occurs to me to take or leave. For me the syntax would be a bit more appealing if you reversed L7-8:

.........................Who can now remember,
seeing our lively chat and smiling faces,
we're picnicking in volatile November?
.........
................

[Julie Steiner]

Lovely again, Susan.

I enthusiastically second Rogerbob's suggestion to reorder L7–8. It will mess up the nice, orderly abbacddc octave, but who cares? "Ozymandias" doesn't stick to the usual recipe, either.

"Gentle as a balm" and "soothing as a balm" strike me as equally pleonastic. Balms are, by definition, not rough or astringent. "Warming as a balm," maybe?

You might consider using the Spanish name of the holiday—either the traditional Día de los Muertos, or the newfangled Día de Muertos. (Younger generations are now dropping definite articles — e.g., "Estados Unidos" instead of "lost Estados Unidos" for the United States).

[Susan McLean]

Roger, at first I resisted changing the rhyme scheme of the octave, but I eventually came around to your suggestion for reordering L7-8. I did not think the breezes soothed anyone, but they were light enough to be pleasant without blowing things around.

Julie, you and Roger convinced me on re-ordering the lines, though I was sorry to lose my modified Petrarchan rhyme scheme. My family is not Hispanic, and I would not want to suggest that it is by using the Spanish name of the day. This celebration of life was different from how my family usually deals with a death. I wanted to suggest an openness to other traditions, but without appropriating traditions of another culture. I meant the somber title to link to the closing word, and I think it does that best in English.

Susan

[Catherine Chandler]

Lovely, Susan.