[Ashley Bowen]

Revision

Crossroads

Dear Lord, I’d seen you make this world a coffin
so cramped my ribs could never catch their breath,
and how you’d framed it up too snug for me
to fit beside Eternity’s wide hips,
and how my sinning’s made my soul so heavy
even angels wince beneath its weight,
and how the Sabbath’s just another day
of suffering when a mister’s field needs sowing.

So when you ask me why my knees were dark
with crossroad dust, I’ll say the devil turned
my voice into a plate and people played
it on their gramophones. I got a dollar
a night in juke joint gin. I drove a Hudson
right off the dealer’s lot. The sermons say
I’ll suffer, Lord. But shoot. I’ll be damned
if suffering ain’t better in a brand-new suit.



Original
Robert Johnson

“In the Jim Crow South, God’s promise of eternal reward seemed little solace to some in their harsh day-to-day lives as sharecroppers. Why wouldn’t Robert Johnson have traded his soul at the crossroads for a chance for something better?”
--Darrin Whitten, Blues Historian, author of The Last Fair Deal Gone Down

Dear Lord, I’d seen you make this world a coffin
so cramped my ribs could never catch their breath,
and how you’d framed its sides too small for me
to fit beside Eternity’s wide hips,
and how my sin had made my soul so heavy
that even angels would wince beneath its weight,
and how the Sabbath’s just another day
of suffering when a Mister’s field needs sowing.

So when you ask me why my knees were deep
in crossroads dust, I’ll say the devil put
my voice onto a plate and people played
it on their gramophone. Now people know
me in the jukes. I’ll suffer, Lord, but shoot,
don’t suffering feel better in a brand-new suit?

[Matt Q]

Hi Ashley,

I'd be inclined to lose the epigraph. It gives us the gist of the poem in advance, which detracts from the poem itself, I think.

S1L1-4. I like the opening lines a lot, though I'm a little unsure of L4. The metaphor is that his world is like a cramped coffin. So I wonder how eternity fits with this. How does he, in life, have to fit beside Eternity? Is it the idea of eternity maybe, the afterlife? Life is too cramped for him to consider the consequences his actions will have for afterlife, the question of whether he goes to heaven or hell?

S1L5 seems rather vague. I'm left wondering what sin has made his soul heavy. Does this refer to the Christian notion that we're all sinners, or some specific sin he's committed? Or is it the sin of being poor and black? -- in which case that might benefit from more a of clue / elaboration. I take the next line to suggest that he doesn't expect go to heaven, given how heavy his soul would be for the angels to lift. I take this as giving a reason why he saw himself as having little to lose in making a deal with devil: he has little chance of heaven anyway. I guess, it could be because he'd already made that deal. But the context seems to suggest the former. In the octet he seems to be explaining his reasons for making that decision. Giving the context.

I take the last two lines of the octet to be saying that religion/God is subordinate to (or less powerful than) the economic and racial realities of his life, and I think this works well. The opening that God has given him a raw deal, making his world a coffin. Both would might give him some reason to be less concerned about God and about dealing with devil. I find myself wondering if the octet might not do a little more to focus on specific the nature of his suffering, rather than the more abstract Eternity and his unspecified sin.

S2L1-2, I wonder if his knees might be "marked", or "stained" with crossroads dust, so that some sign remains of his action?

S2L2 "put" seems a little weak, especially given its position as a line-ending. Is there a more specific verb?

S2L4, should that be "gramophones", plural?

The close, "shoot", and "don't" (instead of "doesn't") seems to be the only part of the poem to attempt vernacular. I can see why you might want to avoid trying to replicate the voice of an early 20th century southern black man, but I'm on the fence about the choice to shift the voice at the close. Though I can see that "doesn't" isn't an option metrically.

Actually, on the metre, isn't the last line hexameter? I can see a few ways to scan it, but none give me a clear line of IP.

best,

Matt

[Ashley Bowen]

Hi, Matt,

Thanks for you lengthy and generous response.

This one is not working, and I thank you for helping me see the areas where it's especially falling apart.

Re: the last line. I'm from the American South, and Southerners would definitely say that line, "don't SUFFering feel BETter IN a BRAND-new SUIT.

Thanks again.

[Jim Moonan]

.

Originally Posted by Ashley Bowen

This one is not working, and I thank you for helping me see the areas where it's especially falling apart.

Woah! Not so fast! I like this very much and think it's written deftly, with a nod to the plain-spoken spiritual element that kept the black oppressed pacified.

But the sestet busts free of that and the enjambments in it are wonderfully imagined. And the final two lines are spot-on dirt-poor humble. Great poem. Fix whatever needs fixing, but don't lose the voice. Lose the epigraph for reasons Matt gives, and possibly change the title to include the devil.

.

[Ashley Bowen]

Hi, Jim,

Thanks for the vote of confidence on this one.

Both you and Matt confirmed my suspicions that the epigraph was too much and did all the wrong work.

I liked your idea for a new title. I think I'll call it "The Devil and Robert Johnson" now.

Thanks again!

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Ashley—

I very much like this poem. I particularly like how you begin it as a prayer and end it as a debate between Robert Johnson and God in which Johnson defends his Faustian bargain. I also like how you frame the whole dramatic monologue in the unlikely form of a sonnet.

In line 2, I wondered if the personification of the ribs didn’t make it sound as though the ribs were catching their breath(s). How about something like this?
so cramped my ribs could never hold my breath

I also like the humorous personification of Eternity as a wide-hipped woman sharing a coffin with the N. His obedience to God would offer him the reward of a woman, but being confined with her in the coffin prevents him from being able to enjoy Eternity.

I assumed that the heavy sin he refers to is his bargain with the Devil.

I agree with Matt and Jim that the epigraph should go, but I like the new title.

Very enjoyable poem.

Glenn

[Matt Q]

Originally Posted by Ashley Bowen

Re: the last line. I'm from the American South, and Southerners would definitely say that line, "don't SUFFering feel BETter IN a BRAND-new SUIT.

I guess the question then is whether you're only writing for readers who know this. If not, you might look for something less metrically ambiguous.

It's the three-syllable foot that results from a two-syllable "suffering" that makes the line problematic, I think. Without that "suffering" could be read either way and it wouldn't impact the number of feet.

best,

Matt

[Richard G]

Hi Ashley,

I too like the piece, especially the opening and the close, and agree that you can dispense with the epigram. I'd go further and remove any reference to Johnson from the title, the 'crossroads dust' is a big enough clue.
Minor niggles, 'would wince' and the repeat of 'people' (L12,13)

RG

[Hilary Biehl]

Like Matt, I am having trouble with the meter of the last line. I want to read it as either:


don't SUFFerING feel BETter IN a BRAND new SUIT?

or

don't SUFFering feel BETter in a BRAND new SUIT?


In other words, it's hard for me to promote "in" without promoting "ing." Even if I read "suffering" as two syllables, I still have this problem as I think the rhythm it sets up leads naturally to the second reading.

[Ashley Bowen]

Hi, Richard: Great idea about the double "people." I've since rethought the title I'd kicked around previously (The Devil and Robert Johnson) because I thought it would make the "Dear Lord" part sound like a prayer to the Dark One. Ha! Thanks for checking in on this one and commenting. Much appreciated.

Hi, Hilary, If I remember my Timothy Steele correctly, there are never three unstressed syllables. Once automatically gets promoted. But your point is well-made and -received. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. Much appreciated.