[Nick McRae]

One Day We'll Miss This

Our maple stands tall in the autumn sun
Two boys stumble through the yard
Their screams, their cry, iridescent
Yellow leaves and the scent of a freshly
washed child, passing down the hall

Our maple will add twenty more rings
And they'll flee with the moon tide
Shadows falling on a burning lawn
A shovel twisting in the winter thaw
The echo of shoes, footprints

Our maple stands tall in the morning sun
Shadows dance on our winding street

----------------------------------

Inspired by John Riley's Behind the Screen

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Nick—

I read this as a meditation on time and our perception of it.
The maple has changed very little over the twenty years during which the N’s children grew up, and represents the cyclic/seasonal view of time in which everything happens again and again in an eternal now. The N presents a linear/progressive view of time in which one is always in motion from past to future and can never grasp the present now. I read the shadows as the memories that the N thinks of as his life. They are meaningless to the maple but of supreme importance to the N.

I like the simple structure and clear, direct language. I wondered about “iridescent” and wasn’t sure what to make of the burning lawn, but otherwise felt well guided through the poem.

Glenn

[Phil Wood]

Muchly enjoyed Nick. I read 'burning' in regard to the fallen leaves and connected the 'iridescent' cry of the children to the transient foliage. I feel L10 ,an echo of Eliot, is a more haunting 'closure' than the present explanation.

Phil

[Rick Mullin]

Hi Nick,

I like this a lot. The lack of punctuation--mostly periods at the end of what seem complete sentences, as there are commas--doesn't impede the flow. In fact, it enhances the flow of images, which is pretty much the engine of the poem.

I like the burning lawn line as well. And the shovel twisting in the winter thaw especially

One minor hitch is "they'll", S2L2, which refers to the children. The subject of the "sentence" is the maple tree. This hitch is more pronounced because of the stanza break, I think. But it's not a big problem given the flow thing going on.

Rick

[John Riley]

Not much more for me to say that hasn’t been said. I’m proud my poem was an inspiration.

[Nick McRae]

Originally Posted by Glenn Wright

Hi, Nick—

I read this as a meditation on time and our perception of it.
The maple has changed very little over the twenty years during which the N’s children grew up, and represents the cyclic/seasonal view of time in which everything happens again and again in an eternal now. The N presents a linear/progressive view of time in which one is always in motion from past to future and can never grasp the present now. I read the shadows as the memories that the N thinks of as his life. They are meaningless to the maple but of supreme importance to the N.

I like the simple structure and clear, direct language. I wondered about “iridescent” and wasn’t sure what to make of the burning lawn, but otherwise felt well guided through the poem.

Glenn

Thanks Glenn,

I'm not too sure what to make of the burning lawn either, I guess it's another of those liked the feel of it phrases.

I appreciate hearing your interpretation of the poem. Mostly I was hoping to evoke the feeling that I got from John's poem. Which was a looming sense of my boys slipping through my fingers. A few years ago we were new parents, in the baby stage, and they're still young, but more recently we've woken up to where it's all going. And the years are slipping by far too quickly.

Thanks again

[Nick McRae]

Originally Posted by Phil Wood

Muchly enjoyed Nick. I read 'burning' in regard to the fallen leaves and connected the 'iridescent' cry of the children to the transient foliage. I feel L8, an echo of Eliot, is a more haunting 'closure' than the present explanation.

Phil

I appreciate the suggestions and thoughts, I'll have to give some thought to switching up the close.

[Nick McRae]

Originally Posted by Rick Mullin

Hi Nick,

I like this a lot. The lack of punctuation--mostly periods at the end of what seem complete sentences, as there are commas--doesn't impede the flow. In fact, it enhances the flow of images, which is pretty much the engine of the poem.

I like the burning lawn line as well. And the shovel twisting in the winter thaw especially

One minor hitch is "they'll", S2L2, which refers to the children. The subject of the "sentence" is the maple tree. This hitch is more pronounced because of the stanza break, I think. But it's not a big problem given the flow thing going on.

Rick

I appreciate the comments. I hadn't heard 'engine of the poem' used before, so thanks for that.

And I guess I'll typically use punctuation for that purpose, pacing the poem. In the one I posted last week I hoped to slow the reader down, in this one I like it a little more free-flowing. In general I don't like periods unless I'm trying to force a pause, otherwise they just feel too restrictive / pointless. I realize fully that I sound like a pedant.

Thanks again

Originally Posted by John Riley

Not much more for me to say that hasn’t been said. I’m proud my poem was an inspiration.

Thanks again, I really enjoyed that one.

[Phil Wood]

Hi Nick,
Just to clarify, my suggestion was to cut L11-12. This avoids the repetition of 'shadows' and the familiar phrase 'shadows dancing'.

Phil

[Nick McRae]

Originally Posted by Phil Wood

Hi Nick,
Just to clarify, my suggestion was to cut L11-12. This avoids the repetition of 'shadows' and the familiar phrase 'shadows dancing'.

Phil

Thanks for coming back to this. I see what you mean, it does read a little more cleanly without the final two lines. I do find the content of them integral to the poem, but I wonder if there's anything I can do there.

Thanks again