[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Nothing Personal

When power weds with grabbiness
then honour, trust and truth will die.
When countries are commodities
becoming things you’d sell or buy,
when just one man plus sycophants
encapsulate a nation’s ills
then all that’s foul becomes as fair
as all is grist to grifters’ mills.

The winners smile, a deal is done,
a pocket’s where the buck will stop
while peace is chambered in a gun.

Out from the bleakness of despair,
over rubble and contorted bone
the blind, black eyes of buildings stare.



Forest line was
When breasts guve grabbiness as suck.

[Yves S L]

Deleted post

[Mark McDonnell]

I really like this, Jan. It has a ringing, elemental strength to it. The last line is great, and ominous.

I can't make sense of the opening line about breasts and it nearly throws me out of the whole poem. If it's referring to Trump's history of sexual assault, I'm not getting the image.

Mark

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Hi Yves deleted posts fascinate by their absence.

Hi Mark,

.Having read more about Trump than is good for digestion I assumed much and felt it was a full capitalistic nurture ab initio Adam Smith has much to answer for. BUT I see what you are saying.

I am off to recast that first line but I will pop it in the bucket of possibles.

Looking for greed synonyms I found ‘grabbiness’ and thought it a perfect fit. I hope to keep it in the recasting.

My thanks

Jan

[Joe Crocker]

I was also disturbed by the first line. Not at all sure what image is being offered, But perhaps that's what you want. But "peace chambered in a gun" is brilliant. Good feeling of anger here.

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Thanks Joe

When you hang onto line without the only context being inside your head

Jan

[Yves S L]

Duplicated post

[Yves S L]

Jan,

I delete posts when posting makes it clear that my comments would be too much of a downer. It is often best to leave the threads to folk who appreciate what a poet is trying to do, and perhaps not too negatively colour further comments.

But if you want a comment: Given the definition of "commodity", the fourth line comes across as rhyme-driven filler, and the last three lines are drastically better than the rest of the poem. I also thought the first line was a catastrophe with its awkward syntax and personification, but others have now said so much more gently.

Yeah.

[Jim Moonan]

.
Just a quick stop-in to give you thanks for expressing the chaos that is the US landscape. Susan did it, too.

I remember back in his first term as president when it spawned a slew of defiant/depressing poems. Now back from the dead, the zombie-in-chief wrecks havoc. What are we to do? Revolt? It sadly brings me to Yeats' rough beast in The Second Coming.

The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Yves, Trump deals with everything as if they are commodities awaiting his transactional snare.
.

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Yves,

When a word rhymes with nothing it cannot be said to be rhyme driven. ‘Commodities’ is the right word on the right place neither rhyme driven nor filler. Ruptured syntax is not necessarily a failing it is often used as a tool.

If what I have posted is technically inept please have at it. If what I have posted has failings of any kind please have at it. Considered criticism is the lifeblood of this place it helps both poem and poet grow. I used to post in the Deep End in the early days when Alan Sullivan was still alive and got torn a new one with depressing regularity. He was a hard, but not harsh, critic who never stooped to the ad hom. Please do not hold back.

The last three lines are the counterpoint and were crafted as such. It is a sonnet the sestet is where the punch will generally lie.

You are so right Jim The Second Coming can be seen to be quite vatic. With heightening polarity throughout the world “ the centre cannot hold” and the centre is where tolerance, compassion and wisdom lie. There are similarities in Yeats’ time and today.

My thanks to you both

Jan