[Trevor Conway]

Crack!

A quick bow to battle,
antlers engaged:
twisting,
               pushing,
turning,
               a shift
of sick desire to prove his strength
to other males
and bright-eyed does
wondering if he’ll still be their lover
when clash gives way to silence.

Awkward turns,
                                   churning hoofs,
skids and stumbles
                                   on fickle ground.
A wild lunge – his opponent jabs
with the will and strength to take them all
and leave him lonely,
pathetic,
wandering.

This thought
– a sore recollection –
drives his final surge like a wind:
tangle, unlock,
a desperate heave,
and the bold pretender flees.

Alone now, his tongue hangs loose,
tired as a dying fish.
He will assert his body, his right,
but for that he’ll wait for new vigour.

He hasn’t even caught his breath
when a dark figure appears:
like him,
thick of neck,
proud in his trot,
knowing all eyes are now on him.

[John Boddie]

Trevor -

This was a good effort and the presentation of elk in battle is an effective metaphor for life in general.

A few things:
" sick desire " - consider using something more forceful, like "inborn urge" or "primal drive". "Sick desire" sounds like a trivial moral judgement.

Consider dropping " - a sore recollection - " and "bold"

Is there some way to rearrange the close so the "him" isn't confusing?

JB

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Trevor,

You’ve captured this primal showdown in the wild quite vividly. There’s something cinematic in the structure and pacing that draws the reader in and gives real momentum to the conflict.

A few moments gave me pause:

In “of sick desire to prove his strength,” I wonder whether “sick” is quite right for what’s arguably a natural and instinctive drive. Perhaps something like “raw,” “feral,” or “primal” would convey the urgency and danger without implying unnaturalness or pathology.

Similarly, in the phrase “and leave him lonely, / pathetic, / wandering,” there’s a layering of subjective descriptors that might lean too far into projection. “Pathetic” in particular feels too judgmental of what’s otherwise a deeply instinctual moment. Removing it might let the line breathe more and leave interpretation to the reader.

Also, in “This thought,” we enter an inner consciousness that feels very human—perhaps a bit too anthropomorphic for the scene. Recasting that moment in terms of instinct or reaction rather than cognition might maintain the wildness and tension more effectively.

That said, the poem offers a powerful evocation of nature’s hierarchy and drama. I hope some of these thoughts prove useful!

Cheers,
...Alex

[Max Goodman]

This is effective. The "bow to battle" is a strong description of the encounter's start. The ending, shifting to the new buck's pov, is also strong.

The title describes both the mating competition and the pattern in which we're all trapped, our inevitable decline.

Some places to think about:

• "sick" desire doesn't sound accurate.
  
• The tongue "tired as a dying fish" feels awkward; it's not the tongue that is tired.
  
• The line about the opponent's will feels like a shift into the opponent's pov. I think this is our hero's imagining of the opponent's mind, but as I read it, I felt myself being put into the opponent's mind, awkward at the moment, and even more to be avoided given the ending--that shift in pov will be more powerful if we've been firmly in the one buck's pov until then.

FWIW.

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Trevor,

Here are some word choice options in case you see any merit in them. Basically I am looking to find more concrete images and words that are more specialized. I agree with other comments that you have created a strong scene with depths of meaning. Just for the sake of throwing a thought out there, when I read your pieces, I sense your personal style, your voice. While you explain between the images more than I sometimes think is necessary, on the other hand, you choose subjects and themes that sometimes seem to call for that.

All the best,

Jim

Originally Posted by Trevor Conway

Crack!

A quick bow to battle,
antlers engaged:
twisting,
               pushing,
turning,
               a shift
of sick desire [of musk and blood] to prove his strength
to other males [bucks]
and bright-eyed does
wondering if he’ll still be their lover
when clash gives way to silence.[quiet]

Awkward turns,
                                   churning hoofs,
skids and stumbles
                                   on fickle ground.
A wild lunge – his opponent jabs
with the will and strength to take them all
and leave him lonely,
pathetic,
wandering.

This thought
– a sore recollection –
drives his final surge like a wind:
tangle, unlock,
a desperate heave,
and the bold pretender flees.

Alone now, his tongue hangs loose [lolls],
tired as a dying fish.
He will assert his body, his right,
but for that he’ll wait for new vigour.

He hasn’t even caught his breath
when a dark figure appears:
like him,
thick of neck,
proud in his trot,
knowing all eyes are now on him.

[Trevor Conway]

Hi John,

Thanks very much for your feedback on this. On first thought, all that you say makes total sense, and I'll look for alternatives.

Cheers,

Trev

Originally Posted by John Boddie

Trevor -

This was a good effort and the presentation of elk in battle is an effective metaphor for life in general.

A few things:
" sick desire " - consider using something more forceful, like "inborn urge" or "primal drive". "Sick desire" sounds like a trivial moral judgement.

Consider dropping " - a sore recollection - " and "bold"

Is there some way to rearrange the close so the "him" isn't confusing?

JB

[Trevor Conway]

Hey Alex,

Thanks for your input. With sick desire, I was thinking of Yeats's "sick with desire". If I can find an alternative that works as well without the connotation of pathology, I'll go for it.

I do want to keep the sense of the animal feeling pathetic. Maybe some other wording will convey it. Similarly, I do kind of want a sense of the anthropomorphic, as I think some of these feelings are common to both species, but maybe "This recollection" instead of "this thought" would make it work better?

Many thanks, Alex. I appreciate your thoughts.

Trev

Originally Posted by Alex Pepple

Hello, Trevor,

You’ve captured this primal showdown in the wild quite vividly. There’s something cinematic in the structure and pacing that draws the reader in and gives real momentum to the conflict.

A few moments gave me pause:

In “of sick desire to prove his strength,” I wonder whether “sick” is quite right for what’s arguably a natural and instinctive drive. Perhaps something like “raw,” “feral,” or “primal” would convey the urgency and danger without implying unnaturalness or pathology.

Similarly, in the phrase “and leave him lonely, / pathetic, / wandering,” there’s a layering of subjective descriptors that might lean too far into projection. “Pathetic” in particular feels too judgmental of what’s otherwise a deeply instinctual moment. Removing it might let the line breathe more and leave interpretation to the reader.

Also, in “This thought,” we enter an inner consciousness that feels very human—perhaps a bit too anthropomorphic for the scene. Recasting that moment in terms of instinct or reaction rather than cognition might maintain the wildness and tension more effectively.

That said, the poem offers a powerful evocation of nature’s hierarchy and drama. I hope some of these thoughts prove useful!

Cheers,
...Alex

[Trevor Conway]

Hey Alex,

Thanks for your input. With sick desire, I was thinking of Yeats's "sick with desire". If I can find an alternative that works as well without the connotation of pathology, I'll go for it.

I do want to keep the sense of the animal feeling pathetic (though not necessarily the speaker of the poem viewing it as pathetic). I take it you found the speaker was imagining this rather than the animal itself? Maybe some other wording will convey it.
Similarly, I do kind of want a sense of the anthropomorphic in this case (I often don't want it), as I think some of these feelings are common to both species, but maybe "This recollection" instead of "this thought" would make it work better?

Many thanks, Alex. I appreciate your thoughts.

Trev

Originally Posted by Alex Pepple

Hello, Trevor,

You’ve captured this primal showdown in the wild quite vividly. There’s something cinematic in the structure and pacing that draws the reader in and gives real momentum to the conflict.

A few moments gave me pause:

In “of sick desire to prove his strength,” I wonder whether “sick” is quite right for what’s arguably a natural and instinctive drive. Perhaps something like “raw,” “feral,” or “primal” would convey the urgency and danger without implying unnaturalness or pathology.

Similarly, in the phrase “and leave him lonely, / pathetic, / wandering,” there’s a layering of subjective descriptors that might lean too far into projection. “Pathetic” in particular feels too judgmental of what’s otherwise a deeply instinctual moment. Removing it might let the line breathe more and leave interpretation to the reader.

Also, in “This thought,” we enter an inner consciousness that feels very human—perhaps a bit too anthropomorphic for the scene. Recasting that moment in terms of instinct or reaction rather than cognition might maintain the wildness and tension more effectively.

That said, the poem offers a powerful evocation of nature’s hierarchy and drama. I hope some of these thoughts prove useful!

Cheers,
...Alex

[Trevor Conway]

Hi Max,

Thanks for your thoughts on this. Yes, I'm looking for an alternative for "sick". Good point about the tongue, and yes, it's too awkward. The point about the POV shifting kind of makes sense in one way, although I think it could also pass for an external perception of how the opponent fights. I'll look for a way to get it across without causing potential confusion/a shift in POV, or I'll leave it out. Maybe something simple like "his opponent jabs / with enough strength to take them all"? I do feel like it might be missing something, though, without referring directly to the opponent's determination.

Thanks again, Max.

Trev

Originally Posted by Max Goodman

This is effective. The "bow to battle" is a strong description of the encounter's start. The ending, shifting to the new buck's pov, is also strong.

The title describes both the mating competition and the pattern in which we're all trapped, our inevitable decline.

Some places to think about:

• "sick" desire doesn't sound accurate.
  
• The tongue "tired as a dying fish" feels awkward; it's not the tongue that is tired.
  
• The line about the opponent's will feels like a shift into the opponent's pov. I think this is our hero's imagining of the opponent's mind, but as I read it, I felt myself being put into the opponent's mind, awkward at the moment, and even more to be avoided given the ending--that shift in pov will be more powerful if we've been firmly in the one buck's pov until then.

FWIW.

[Trevor Conway]

Hi Jim,

Thanks for these ideas, as well as your overall thoughts on my style. It helps to get such feedback. I'll have a think about your word choices here.

Much obliged,

Trev

Originally Posted by Jim Ramsey

Hi Trevor,

Here are some word choice options in case you see any merit in them. Basically I am looking to find more concrete images and words that are more specialized. I agree with other comments that you have created a strong scene with depths of meaning. Just for the sake of throwing a thought out there, when I read your pieces, I sense your personal style, your voice. While you explain between the images more than I sometimes think is necessary, on the other hand, you choose subjects and themes that sometimes seem to call for that.

All the best,

Jim