[Matt Q]

Apocryphal

I was lost in the apothecary. It wasn’t my first apothecary, or the first time I had been lost in one. Adorned in my plague mask, I had taken on the appearance of a prehistoric bird. The pharmacist’s long white cloak flapped from my shoulders, my own name on the name badge. I stumbled across the jar that held filings of a metal that had screamed when it was smelted. I had already pocketed the ampoule of fluid extracted from the hermit. I was making progress! Somewhere, I knew, was the potion for finding one’s way. Somewhere, too, was the elixir that brought rescue. But that was not the game, nor how I wished to play it. Phial or vial? That was the next challenge. I silenced the medals of my previous victories and readied my pipette.

[Hilary Biehl]

This has the surreal, slightly disorienting quality of a dream. I'm enjoying it, although I wonder what happened to the hermit (nothing good, I gather). There's probably a deeper meaning here that I'm not grasping yet. Is the spelling of the title intentional?

[Jim Moonan]

.
We are Frankensteins over and over in our secret lives, in our histories.

This could easily be the opening stanza to a long narrative prose poem.

It feels a bit noir, a bit macabre, a bit surreal, a bit nightmarish, a bit mad, a bit Poe, a bit pregnant with foreboding, a bit retro sci-fi — and very, very pre-apocalyptic. The poem is laden with darkness.

Where is springtime?

(please excuse my lack of critical thought. I'm too exhausted. I can only find the strength to look for something transcendent to distract me from the world. This poem takes me under. It's good work, but it does nothing to bind the pain that spreads like a plague throughout the days and nights of the menace. Maybe the potion is a concoction to fight that, I hope? As Hilary said: where's the hermit?)

The title, if taken literally, adds more darkness.

Ok, maybe one thing: lots of "I's".



.

[Trevor Conway]

Hi Matt,

This was enjoyable. It has a nice atmosphere and tone. The main thing that struck me was that there were too many "I"s, and I see that Jim found the same. I also think it would be good not to immediately make it clear that it's based in an apothecary. Let the reader find that out a little way into the poem. The pharmacist's coat does the job perfectly, and at about the right time, I think. Apart from that, there were a few little bits that could be removed to tighten it overall, I'd say. My suggestions for deletion are in bold below.

Best of luck with this.

Trev

I was lost in the apothecary. It wasn’t my first apothecary, or the first time I had been lost in one. Adorned in my plague mask, I had taken on the appearance of a prehistoric bird. The pharmacist’s long white cloak flapped from my shoulders, my own name on the name badge. I stumbled across the [A] jar that held filings of a metal that had [surely] screamed when it was smelted. I had already pocketed the ampoule of fluid extracted from the hermit. I was making progress! Somewhere, I knew, was the potion for finding one’s way. Somewhere, too, was the elixir that brought rescue. But that was not the game, nor how I wished to play it. Phial or vial? That was the next challenge. I silenced the medals of my previous victories and readied my pipette.

P.S. I really like the ending, by the way, whilst not being sure what exactly is being referred to when you mention medals (I take they are not literal metals).

[Hilary Biehl]

Originally Posted by Jim Moonan

.
It's good work, but it does nothing to bind the pain that spreads like a plague throughout the days and nights of the menace.
.

I don't know. The poem is dark, certainly, but there is something whimsical about it too.

[John Riley]

I like this Matt. Alchemy.

It has the imagination of language and topic seen in the best prose poems.

[Max Goodman]

This is surreal, comic, and engaging. I like the echo of apothecary in the title.

[Jim Moonan]

.

Originally Posted by Hilary Biehl

I don't know. The poem is dark, certainly, but there is something whimsical about it too.

Yes, I guess there is...
Have you heard the Tom Waits song, "What He's Building?"

.

[David Callin]

I like this too. Great moody setting. It does feel like a screenshot from a dark video game. (Are they still called video games? Almost certainly not, I suspect.)

Really good, Matt. Self-contained (I think) and enigmatic.

Cheers

David

[Matt Q]

Hilary, Jim, Trever, John, Max and David.

Belated thanks to you all for commenting. I'm pleased this is working well for most of you.

I was thinking of someone playing a game, a game they've played before. The game is being lost in an apothecary (and, it seems, completing various side-quests). They don't find their way out or be rescued. They want to win.

Hilary,

I'm glad you found some humour/whimsy here, too. Thanks for flagging the typo in the title.

Jim,

Thanks for your take on this. Lots of "I"s, yes, but I guess it's a first person account. Too many "I"s for you? I'll check out the Tom Waits song.

Trevor,

I think if I don't name the apothecary, no one's going to guess it. More likely the reader will think it's a pharmacy, which doesn't have some connotations or convey the same imagery. I didn't always understand your reasons for your other suggested changes.

Max,

I mainly settled on "Apocryphal" for that echo, so I'm glad you liked it, though I do still wonder if there's a better title.

John,

Thanks, that's quite a compliment! Alchemy is where it's at, I think.

David,

I'm glad you find this self-contained, and I like the video-game analogy. And yes, likely it's only us older folks that still call them that.


Thanks again all,

Matt