[John Whitworth]

Competition
Lucy Vickery presents the latest competition

In Competition 2624 you were invited to submit a poem in the style of the legendary William Topaz McGonagall on an issue of contemporary relevance to the Scots.
Hailed by the TLS as ‘the only truly memorable bad poet in our language’, McGonagall built his reputation on appalling yet beguiling works of inadvertent comic genius. Neither plagued by a lack of self-belief nor hampered by self-awareness, the handloom weaver from Dundee forged ahead with his art in the face of universal mockery and derision. He has had the last laugh, though: his star burns brightly still more than a century after his death.
The sincerity of the original voice (which no doubt accounts for its considerable charm) is difficult to capture in parody. But you nailed well the stumbling metre and jarring rhyme. Especially impressive were G. McIlraith, William Danes-Volkov, Brian Murdoch, Graham Anderson and Nicholas Hodgson, who were unlucky losers. This week’s bonus fiver is Bill Greenwell’s. His fellow winners, rewarded with £30 each, appear below.

Alas! for the Glasgow clubs, which are The Celtic F.C. and The Rangers,
That the Premier League of England sees them as strangers,
An attitude akin to dogs in their mangers,
For it must be said that Manchester City and United
Would have been by them very affrighted.

’Twas on a Thursday that Mister Gartside of Bolton Wanderers
Was informed in a manner both plain and ponderous
That The Firm would not be accepted below the border,
Which is to say, he was ruled out of order
And that the Gers and the Bhoys, hot as a fireball,
Were neither ‘desirable’ nor ‘viable’.
For this many proud Scots hearts did bleed,
For they are very fine teams indeed.

It did pain me hard to read of their dismissal,
Yet will I not weep at this final whistle
Being a diehard supporter of Partick Thistle.
Bill Greenwell

Beleaguered city of Edinburgh!
I fear you are not as glorious as once you were.
Your bank’s headquarters, so some do say,
Will be moving to London which is a very long way away!
’Twas on the eighteenth of September in the year 2008,
A date which will long be rued I am sorry to relate,
That Scotland’s bank set in this magnificent city
Did get taken over, which is a very great pity.
Many people with sorrowful faces did say, ‘It is a disgrace
That Edinburgh is no longer a famed financial base
And that, now our city is so tragically undone,
Our best lawyers and accountants will dwell in London.’
But times do change and with time ever on our side,
Our bosoms will again swell with pride,
And the more we become of our own fate the master,
The less chance we have of having another disaster.
Alan Millard

’Twas on the ninth day of October in the year 2004,
Four and a quarter miles from the silvery Firth of Forth’s shore,
That at a cost of four hundred and fourteen million well-spent pounds,
Thou Scottish Parliament Building opened in Holyrood grounds.
Thy structure to my eye seems strong and grand
And thy architecture most skilfully planned
By Enric Miralles who I am very grieved to say
Most lamentably died and was unable to witness the happy day
When his beautiful building was opened by Her Majesty the Queen,
Surrounded by Edinburgh’s citizens on the grand Holyrood Green.
Thou can be seen, if it happens to be a fogless day, from half a mile away,
And I think nobody need have the least dismay
About flooded cellars or tiles blowing off in high winds that come in from the sea.
And as I gaze upon thee my heart feels great glee
And without fear of contradiction, I will venture to say
Thou are the second most handsome building in Edinburgh today.
Shirley Curran

As sure as my name is William Topaz McGonagall
’Tis indeed a sad state of affairs I must now chronicle.
Alas! Between Glasgow and London
Our railway system a direct service will abandon.
Newspapers say the east coast trains are to be ‘axed’,
And goodness knows what will happen next.
Those with sorest hearts are the Glaswegians;
My word, they will suffer great inconvenience!
The good citizens of Edinburgh
Have not so far shown signs of sorrow,
But when they have time to take in the news,
To condole with the Clydesiders they will not refuse.
True, many lines report ‘declining passenger growth’
Because more folk to travel by train are loath;
But any service that fails to link London and Glasgow
Will very soon prove to be a fiasco.
Ray Kelley