[John Whitworth]

Now why do I think of Tristram Shandy?

No. 2789: That’s life

Let’s have the facts of life explained by a well-known figure from history or the character from a well-known novel (150 words maximum). Please email entries to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 13 March.

[Brian Allgar]

Hmmm ... almost exactly the same as a recent competition in the Staggers. Do I hear the loud hum of recycling?

[John Whitworth]

Dammit. I never entered that one.

[Carolyn Thomas-Coxhead]

It was 4254: another of my heroic failures.

[John Whitworth]

Well, try it again, Carolyn. Did I tell you about the sonnet I put in for three competitions, succeeding at the last in snaring the elusive £25. I did? Ah well, then I tell you again.

[Royston Vasey]

Inaugural

"A serpentine desire has charmed me, Adam,
Perhaps our Master erred in my construction:
For now temptation's wiles would see me Madam
My womanhood to lust. By sly seduction -
Oh yes, that's what it was, and yet desirous
Enthralment steers my course - I see that biting
Our Feeding Hand is right. How might Osiris
Behold our progeny unless inviting
Entanglements are formed? Let's eat The Apple,
And consequence be damned. My information
Exhaustively details our coming grapple
With Him who'd test our grit through Fruit's negation.
A leap of faith from us will see enacted
The proper way for man to live, attracted."

[Charlie Southerland]

Chamberlain and the Chambermaids


Nay, Not Neville, he hath no heart to stand
But Wilt the Stilt whose jump and hook went down
On ten thousand maidens 'fore he left town,
Had lots of heart to shag his peckered band.
He went around the world not once or twice
Twirling his balls on his fingers at court.
He never not ever, his ship in port,
Docked on dry land, his masthead packed in ice.

He slept in a bed as big as a pond,
And taught sex ed to the daughters of men.
Though he never charged for the intercourse,
His deposits paid dividends beyond
The tests for paternity, and his grin
At the wake, when his kids came out in force.

[John Whitworth]

Humbert Humbert and the Facts

The facts of life, my chickabiddies! The birds, my own sweet birds of youth a-flutter, and the bees, my hot honeybunches, bristling, whistling, rustling, hustling all abuzz! Meaning sex, my hearties, sex and concupiscence, bold tumescence, deliquescence detumescence, ape and essence, adolescence and you, my little eager beavers, gay deceivers, true believers trembling and dissembling on the cusp. Turn to your neighbour, the nymphet, the swainling beside you, touch hands, touch hearts, be public with those private parts, for facts are dry as dust when that whereof we speak is essentially aqueous, wet Bobs and knobs, wet Babs and squabs, slipping and a-sliding you put your whole self in, you take your whole self out, how potent this cheap music truly is. Hokey-cokey, okey-dokey, everybody's doing it, spermatazoa, ova, making out, making over, worm seeks egg, wham-bam and thank you, mam! Pull up your pants; next up is math.

[Brian Allgar]

Terrific, John! Stings like a butterfly trying to escape a lepidopterist, floats like someone making a bee-line for the nearest nymphet.

If that doesn't win, I'll eat the next little girl I encounter.

[John Whitworth]

Why thank you, Brian. I wonder if I have a late career writing pornography.