[John Whitworth]

No. 2596: A is for Asbo
You are invited to submit an alphabet primer (a is for..., b is for..., etc) designed for children of the Noughties (150 words maximum). Entries to ‘Competition 2596’ by 14 May or email lucy@spectator.co.uk

This COULD be a poem I suppose but I totally lack inspiration. Perhaps you will come up with some good stuff. I've forgotten what the letters asbo stand for. Perhaps some other Brit will oblige. It's an order handed down by a court to bad people who are not quite bad enough to go to jail. Children of the - heavens, what do we call them - the underclasses we say over here, get lots of them. This looks a rather classist competition. But it doesn't have to be.

Sam Gwynn and Frank Osen were both commended in the 'Dear John' competition. Janet Kenny won money for her excellent Edna St Vincent Millay. And Bill Greenwell for his equally excellent Gerard Manley Hopkins. We are a clever lot, though Bill Greenwell is of course a ringer. I hope I've got the nomenclature right. I've seen a baseball match now, you see.

Sam Gwynn endorsed his £25 to me and I paid it into my account today. £25 = $35. I'm knocking off a couple for postage back, more if it's more. So Sam will receive $32-33 in cash. Of course there is a risk someone in the postal zservice will steal the money, but I've sent dollars through the post before. If anyone else has a £25 cheque they can't cash, endorse it (sign your nameof the back, dummy) post it to me at

20 Lovell Road
Rough Common
Canterbury
Kent CT2 9DG
UK

and I will send you $32-$33 back for as long as I've got the spare dollars. Don't forget to include your address. This way we stop the filthy banks making any money out of us. Go on someone, tell me it's not legal.

[Roger Slater]

Way to go, Janet. (You, too, Bill, but I don't really know you so I put Janet first).

[Marion Shore]

Congrats to all!

John,
It's a baseball game (just ball game will do), not a match!

BTW, do you know the difference between our pitch and yours?

[FOsen]

Screw the Speccie, I'm going for an asbo. Congratulations, Sphereans (this now includes Bill Greenwell, whether he likes it or not).

Editing in to add Welcome, Apologies, and Congratulations [WAC] to Martin Parker. We're getting a mighty deep bench here - how does one say that in cricket?

Frank

[Marion Shore]

From the article:

... In the UK, there has been criticism that an ASBO is sometimes viewed as a 'badge of honour' by some younger people.

God, that so describes my son!

[Martin Parker]

Following J W's hope that I would join and swell the number of Brits on this site my own successful Speccie entry has been blushing unseen in your Dear John section for several days. No, I promise I am not a Greenwell alias.

Incidentally, ASBO stands for Anti-social Behaviour Order, a thing which no youngster can afford to be without -- though I believe an eighty-five year-old was given one recently. And a woman, at that!

[Bill Greenwell]

"Congratulations, Sphereans (this now includes Bill Greenwell, whether he likes it or not)."

Thank you. Exclude me in, as Goldwyn didn't say.

And do we think the alphabet is the whole alphabet, or only up to 150 words?

Bill (who can vouch that M***** P***** is not me. We've been in the same room. He is a charming shock-headed teenager with plenty of stamina).

A mighty deep bench? In cricket, erm, probably a surfeit of sad captains...

[John Whitworth]

I thought it was the whole alphabet. In fact I've done the whole alphabet.
I'm not entirely happy with some of it and it actually had the curious effect (what you might call the Stephen King effect) of cheering me up because I don't think the noughties children are QUITE as bad as that. A Stanley Knife is what they call a box-cutter in the USA. FUMPING is THUMPING is Estuary pronunciation, indeed in my pronunciation (Forty fousand fevvers on a frush's froat) Oh, and GBH is Grievous Bodily Harm, the most serious sort of assault.

A is for ASBO and B is for BUNK.
C is for CONDOM and D is for DRUNK

E is for ECSTASY, F is for FUMPING
G is for GBH, H is for HUMPING.

I is ILLITERATE, J is for JERK.
K is for KICKING and L is for LURK.

M is for MUGGER and N is for NIFE.
OP is OLD PERSON begging for life.

Q is for Queer-bashing, R is for Rape.
S is for STANLEY KNIFE, T is duct TAPE.

U is for UNDERCLASS, V is for VILLAIN,
W – WASTING of X-rated chillun.

Y is for YES as they all happy-slap you.
Z is the end when they finally ZAP you.

[Janet Kenny]

Good heavens above! Knocked down with feathers! I am strangely happy! What a lovely surprise. Congratulations to the eternal Spectator Laureate Bill Greenwell and crowns of roses for Sam and Frank.

Thank you John for introducing this extra delight into our poetry lives. It's late here. I'll come back tomorrow when it's sunk in. I'm not sure how this is all handled.
Crazy world ;-)

Roger thank you! You know that last night I was out of my mind with half a bottle of Rosemount Chardonnay. (I sent Roger a very strange PM in which I called him Peter.) I should have saved it for tonight.

Martin, Congratulations. I haven't read your sonnet but the more in this party the merrier.

[Marion Shore]

John,
With tennis and golf, I think it could go either way--my sense is, that a professional competition is a "match" while an ordinary game is, well, a game. I admit I had to google "Ryder Cup"--definitely a match! The sweatier, less gentile, more "ballsy" team sports are games. For instance, if I said to my kids, how was the basketball match, they'd look at me like I was from a different planet. Well, come to think of it, they look at me that way most of the time anyway...

Martin, can you prove you're not a Greenwell clone? I had read your poem on the board, and when I saw it in the Speccie, I had a funny feeling of déjà vu. Anyway, Greenwell or not, you are a force to be reckoned with. Way to go! And welcome to our merry band!