[John Whitworth]

I won £25 in the Primitive Language Contest. Last week Bazza won £25. Posting these things up is quite tricky but I've actually bought a Staggers and will do my best. This week's winners are jolly good, though I say it myself.

The next challenge (No 4149):

According to Peter Wilby (NS 4 October), David Millband 'once expressed surprise that the New Statesman should contain humour and articles about Christmas food' and a contemporary claimed never to have seen him 'even mildly drunk'. If, for want of other career opportunities, Miliband Senior should take over editing the NS Competition, what challenges might he set.

A lot of you may say that you can't do this because you don't know about the man, but you do. The portrait is obviously of somebody who is, in Nigel Molesworth terms 'a wet weed and a sissy'. You know chaps like this, don't you? Of course you do.

Max 100 words by 21 October comp@newstatesman.co.uk

[Orwn Acra]

I'm an idiot. I sent the Staggers comp to Lucy. I had a fair chance of winning, too.

[John Whitworth]

Oh Orwn, I'm sorry. Don't do it again. Staggers is Staggers and Speccie is Speccie and never...

[Roger Slater]

We all dislike children and wish there were some way to avoid interaction with them until they emerge as educated adults of fine breeding. For this week's competition, devise a fanciful technique whereby the presence of children can be disguised or mitigated in a household wherein they in fact dwell. The winner will receive £25 and the Nobel Peace Prize.

[basil ransome-davies]

D. Miliband is what we would at one time (i.e. 1940s/50s) have called a 'square' (& so probably is his brother). Ergo the challenge is to imagine how such a person could set a Staggers competition, where the idea is usually to be wackily humorous or irreverent. It's a toughie, but Roger has set a good pace.

[John Whitworth]

And you've got to get a banana in somewhere. Note to transatlantic poets - the man was photographed holding one and looking goofy. No politician should ever be caught holding a banana, a leek or a carrot. I suppose Welsh politicians might have a special dispensation for leeks.

[John Whitworth]

And here's mine, including banana.

New Staggers Competitions

Cain and Abel: A Treatment from Cain’s Point of View,
New Newspeak: Conflating the False and the True,
The Future for Labour: a Westminster Farce,
Some Tips for Distinguishing Elbow from Arse,
The Prodigal Brother Reborn as Piranha,
A Day in the Life of an English Banana:
Six new competitions, all set by Sad Dave
Who dresses in sackcloth and lives in a cave.