[John Whitworth]

George Simmers deservedly won the fiver, but Chris O'Carroll and I were snapping at his heels. Catherine Tufariello and John Beaton were just out of the money. They may feel justly miffed because this was a big entry. The next competition may be easier because you HAVE TO enter by email and I'll bet some of the old sarhorses won't be able to do this. Heh heh!


No. 2679: going for a song
You are invited to usher in the New Year with a teetotallers’ drinking song (16 lines maximum). Please email entries to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 29 December. NB. For logistical reasons, entries must be emailed.

[Ann Drysdale]

Sarhorses? Sarhorses? Oh, Shitworth, whatever are we going to do with you?

[John Whitworth]

Nice word, don't you think? I'm sorry to kiss it goodbye.

[Ann Drysdale]

Indeed. Did not Michael Morpurgo have a book of that title? Did rather well, as I recall.

[John Whitworth]

I saw a child, a girl of course, actually READING a book, engrossed in it even. It was by this Morpurgo fellow! Meanwhile - The IRN BRU song! It made me the man I am.

The Hogmanay IRN BRU Song

What gives the Scots their courage? What makes them all so frisky?
Is it syrup in the porridge? Is it ginger in the whisky?
Is it wildness in the weather? Is it puddocks in the stew?
Let's answer all together. No! It’s IRN BRU!

Some give three cheers for lager beers in knobbly mugs with lids on.
Some say, 'Hooray for Beaujolais! It's what we raise our kids on!'
Long John Silver swigs (or swogs) hot grogs with all his pirate crew.
But true Scots choose that special booze – old IRN BRU!

This wonder-working potion is the toast of kings and queens.
Take bedsprings, batteries, bicycles, and slot machines,
Souse well in prussic acid, boil a year, then strain it through
Old brillo pads and engine oil for IRN BRU!

Chinese at ease sip China Teas, stout Irish tipple stout,
Transylvanians suck maidens’ blood, then hang about.
But New Year Scots quaff pots and pots of what is tried and true,
A beverage and a religion – IRN BRU!

[George Simmers]

Great song, John, and I can easily imagine a crowd of lusty Glaswegians chanting it.
I'd read the instructions rather differently, though - as if Lucy was specifically asking for a New Year themed song. On second thoughts, perhaps she wasn't, because the previous comp was New year themed.
What do people think?

[Catherine Tufariello]

This forum is so educational! Never heard of IRN BRU before, but I'm going to make a point of having a taste when I'm in the UK next summer. Delightful song, John.

[John Whitworth]

I wouldn't, Catherine. It's a Scottish drink and therefore, by definition, nauseating. They are, after all, the nation that gave the deep-fried mars bar to the world. It does contain iron, however, so it does you good.

[George Simmers]

Hre's my stab at it.
It strikes me, though, that American readers may not have come across the drink referred to. Tesco, our biggest supermarket chain, runs a line of very cheap essential items, labelled "Value" products in standard and rather grim packaging. Some of these are OK (Tesco Value tinned tomatoes are an essential part of my Bolognese sauce) but others are a bit horrible. The Value lemonade contains neither lemons nor sugar and leaves a horrid aftertaste in the mouth - but it costs only 18p for two litres, so is an appropriate festive drink for these hard times.

In a New Year of recession
Shall we give in to depression,
Moaning, mournful and dismayed?
We shall not, for we've got
Tesco Value Lemonade!

Though Christmas was a washout
Since it hurt to fork the dosh out
(And some bills are still unpaid)
Thank the Lord we can afford
Tesco Value lemonade!

Though every British person
Knows next year will be a worse 'un
Don't let on that you're afraid.
Raise your mug – boldly glug
Tesco Value Lemonade!

[John Whitworth]

Cripes, George. That makes even IRN BRU palatable. Terrific song though. Anybody know an old temperance ditty ditty that begins 'My drink is water bright, water bright... '

And for connoisseurs of old competitions Stanley Sharpless (wasn't it?) produced something which contained the immortal line... 'Cocoa coursing through their veins'. Because cocoa has aphrodisiac properties, or didn't you know that?

have I spelled that word right? It doesn't look right somehow. Not cocoa, you fool...