[John Whitworth]

Basil Ransome Davies got an honourable mention and Lance Levens won the tea-set. Hearty congratulations to him.

The new competition is odd. I'm not sure how to take it. However, I'm sure you will foind ways.

COMPETITION NO 134
One of the stranger aspects of Gordon Brown's premiership was his uncertainty about which biscuits he liked. Perhaps he had no use for them. So a poem, please, called 'The Use of Biscuits'. Maximum 16 lines.
Entries to 'Competition No 134 by post (The Oldie, 65 Newman Street, London WiT3EG), fax (020 74368804) or email (comps@theoldie.co.uk) by 11 February. Don't forget to include your postal address.

[Jerome Betts]

Rimbaud spoke of a drunken boat, but you seem to have a drunken computer, John. Kudos and cake to Lance (will it survive the Atlantic's sundering salt?) and commiserations to the HMs. B.R-D's Chinese cat reminded me of a local takeaway with at least a dozen of them of all sizes, some vigorously waving. I'm never sure whether calling cats were originally Chinese and naturalised in Japan as maneki-neko, or the other way round.

[John Whitworth]

Sorry about that. Orl Korrect now I hope.

[Roger Slater]

The Use of Biscuits

Among the foods some label 'junk'
there's one alone it's fun to dunk
if you are brave enough to risk it
in your coffee: yes, the biscuit.

Surely you'd offend your host
were you to dunk your scone or toast
but no one would think ill of you
for dunking biscuits in your brew.

Yet once you're dunked it, don't delay:
remove that biscuit right away!
Or else you might be heard to mumble,
'That's the way the biscuits crumble.'

[John Whitworth]

Roger, that's very nice. I'll put an old ten shilling note on it. Meanwhile, here's mine. I'll put a ten shilling note on this too. I like it better than most of my entries lately.


The Use of Biscuits

What is the use of biscuits? What
Have biscuits, in their essence, got
That cakes or crisps or crumpets lack?
The perfect or platonic snack,
Adjunctive to a cup of tea;
Are biscuits all that this might be?
Or are they an irrelevance,
A hypocritical pretence,
A mask, a mummery, a sham?
Do biscuit-junkies give a damn
For values decent people feel?
Betrayers of the commonweal
Of common sense and common good,
Of modesty and motherhood!
Race-hate, date-rape and child-abusing
Can all be linked with biscuit using.

[Jesse Anger]

John,

That one is hilarious.

[John Whitworth]

Thank you' Jessie. I giggled a bit myself, I do confess.