[John Whitworth]

Perhaps surprisingly, none of us managed a win this week. Congratulations to Walter Ancarrow for an hon mensh. Looking at the winners, he said I hope not sourly, I can't help it being borne in on me how difficult this is, and what genius Carroll had.

Onward and upward. This competition looks good. I'm thinking of stuff already. Brad Pitt? The Grand Canyon?

NO. 2717: against the grain

You are invited to supply a poem expressing distaste for something or someone widely considered to be beautiful (16 lines maximum). Please email entries, if possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 5 October.

[basil ransome-davies]

Florence? Marianne Faithfull?

[John Whitworth]

The Sydney Opera House, Joan Collins (always looked vaguely like a rodent).

[George Simmers]

The Mona Lisa. Hugely overrated.

[Roger Slater]

SUNRISE, SUNSET

Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset.
The same old sun, the same old sky.
My God! How tacky can you get?
They're beautiful, you say? But why?

Honestly, they take your breath?
I simply can't believe that's true.
You must know they've been done to death?
You're in a rut. Find something new.

If there had been one sunrise, tops,
and just one sunset, maybe then . . . .
But sunrise/sunset never stops.
They've been the same since God knows when.

So stop your gazing at the sky
to watch the journey of the sun.
Find something else to make you sigh.
This sunrise/sunset crap's been done.

[conny]

George Clooney


George Clooney, George Clooney
an arriviste and looney,
as ugly as an ugly spud,
a kind of scrunched up cabbage-patch, a dud.

George Clooney, George Clooney,
so smiley and so puny,
a walking, talking nincompoop,
he says he’s on the left (he’s not..) the dupe.

George Clooney, George Clooney,
not a patch on Wayne Rooney,
now theres’ a hunk of primetime drek.
The one I really fancy though, is Shrek.

[Gail White]

Originally Posted by George Simmers

The Mona Lisa. Hugely overrated.

Monet's water lilies likewise.

[Roger Slater]

SANTA CLAUS

I do not like you, Santa Claus,
The way you make the reindeer work
And all the elves, and just because
You're such a narcissistic jerk.

Ho ho ho! Yeah, right. That's great.
You're quite the paragon of cheer.
By Christmas, though, it's just too late.
Santa, where've you been all year?

You do not seem to give a hoot
About the world in, let's say, May.
On Christmas Eve you don your suit,
But then you're gone by Christmas Day.

So Santa, I see through your shtick.
You're just a show-off egotist.
The truth is that you make me sick.
It's almost like you don't exist!

[basil ransome-davies]

Originally Posted by John Whitworth

The Sydney Opera House, Joan Collins (always looked vaguely like a rodent).

She always reminds me of a partially deflated sex doll (she is, I believe, about 90% prosthetic these days).

[John Whitworth]

A hunk of primetime drek! I'd often wondered what Wayne Rooney was.