[John Whitworth]

I get one or two of these. I'd never do it myself, in spite of he fact that my daughters are both beautiful high-achievers and my own poetic career lurches from strength to strength as you all know, but, hell, it can even be of interest, more so than another bloody Rudolph and? or fat Santa. Still, I am sure you will be adroit and amusing. To it, people.

Radio 4’s Today programme recently broadcast six cleverly cutting imaginary responses by the writer Lynne Truss to that annual exercise in self-aggrandisement, the Christmas round-robin letter. The object of the exercise was to deter the sender from ever sending another. You are invited to devise your own riposte (150 words maximum), guaranteed to take the wind out of the sails of even the most committed round-robiner. Please email entries, wherever possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 16 January.

[Ann Drysdale]

I listened to Lynne Truss and she made me cross. "Bitch", I said, aghast.

I found the whiff of smug superiority slightly offensive, the relentless hammering home of one small point a tad wearisome. Perhaps this is my chance for a counter-counter-attack.

[John Whitworth]

Surely the way to deter them is to send one yourself which is much worse in every way.
Americans note. 'Pissed' in England means drunk. 'Pissed off' means what you call pissed.

Return to Sender

Let's toast my Dad, at ninety-one
A fount of energy and fun.
(That horrid busines with the scout –
I know the courts will throw it out.)

Let's toast my three successful sons,
The banker-politicians.
Let's toast my daughters till we drop.
Let's toast their Swedish knocking-shop.

Let's toast (we're now a little tipsy)
My mistress, the Romanian gipsy,
Who lives in Westminster rent-free
With her extended family.

Let's toast (though getting very pissed)
My knighthood in the Honours' List.
I stand aloof, above the scrum,
For services to someone's bum.

[Adrian Fry]

Being working class, I have never sent or received one of these Christmas round robin letters, though I recall the Speccie's Simon Hoggart published a book entirely composed of spoof letters in this vein.

[John Whitworth]

Ah Adrian, yet another disadvantage of low birth. My heart bleeds or you. We of the striving classes get them all the time. I receive an annual update from an OXFORD PROFESSOR. Grind your teeth on that.

[Brian Allgar]

(Here are a couple of attempts)

Dear Lynne,

Thank you for keeping me up-to-date on the doings of your family. It must be difficult for you, whom I remember as being rather a mousey little thing, to live among such over-achievers.

I'm delighted to hear that Darren managed to get an upper second at Kingston University. Our son Anthony, who was awarded a congratulated first at Oxford and is now a fellow of All Souls, might well be able to find him a part-time job in Library Administration.

And of course, it's wonderful news that Tracy is appearing in the chorus of a West End musical. She really should look up our eldest daughter Antonia, who is only just round the corner as Prima Ballerina at the English National Ballet.

We so much look forward to hearing from you each year. Your letters always give us a good chuckle.

Yours as ever,
Claire

************************************************** ******

Thanks for your annual epistle.

How comforting it must be for you that your husband is finally home after a five-year contract in Saudia Arabia. It comes as something of a relief to us, too. In view of his background and character, we had assumed that he was “doing time” - silly us!

I’m sorry to hear about your dog. The last time you came to see us, seven years ago, he was already ailing, and we occasionally look nostalgically at the patch on the carpet where he had a violent attack of diarrhoea.

I'm sorry, too, to hear about your mother, although I recall my own mother, who is now a hale and hearty 94, wondering whether it was good for her to be living with you and your family in so stressful an environment, and whether - judging by the odour - chewing such large quantities of tobacco was altogether advisable.