[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4274
By Tricia Parrott
It’s all over for the Iron Lady. What thoughts were passing through the mind of the Queen or any of her ministers past or present as they listened to the tributes at the funeral? We want a stream of consciousness, for example, during the Bishop of London’s address or simply at the sight of the coffin.
Max 150 words by 9 May comp@newstatesman.co.uk

[Brian Allgar]

So that’s it, then. The remains of Thatcher are in that box, although not the remains of Thatcherism, ha ha! Alive and well and living in me and my cabinet, not to mention Tony Blair and his cronies. Great woman, of course. Still, I can’t help feeling relieved that there’s no chance of the Iron Lady making a comeback.

I suppose she really is in there? What’s that film with Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn? Scene at a funeral ... Oh yes, “Charade”. Someone goes up to the open coffin and stabs the corpse with a big pin in order to be certain he’s really dead.

Wonder if I could get them to open the coffin? I could borrow my wife’s hat-pin, but what reason could I give? Got it - I’ll tell them I just want to make absolutely sure they’re not undertaking (le mot juste, I think) a premature burial ...

[Rob Stuart]

I'm not going to let Brian be the only entrant for this!

Well, well. Twenty-two years since I buried her metaphorically and now I'm getting to do it literally! My finest hour, that was. Old Geoffrey played his part back in ‘91, of course, but ultimately it was yours truly who wielded the axe... axe... chopper... choppers... oh yes, Westland. There were times during some of those Cabinet meetings in ‘85 I could have happily chucked her into the rotors of one of their helicopters. Should have been obvious to anyone with any sense that a European merger was best, you only had to look at the facts... facts... fax... tax... God, the poll tax! That would have wiped us out come the ‘92 election, but the lady wasn't for turning. Was she ever? Fortunately salvation was at hand. Cometh the hour, cometh the man. Except what did the silly sods do in the end? Choose Major... major... major bloody disappointment!

[Adrian Fry]

Sir John Major

Some of us would have been not inconsiderably gratified if asked to undertake her cremation personally. She made my Prime Ministership Hell, carping and criticizing like all the other bastards. Even when I managed a somewhat relaxing period of intercourse with Edwina, I could hear Margaret's voice in my head, telling me how incorrectly I was performing. Edwina said I ought to have found that quite thrilling; I merely found it - well, deflating.

[Ann Drysdale]

Look, Philip – here it comes. Dead March, trundle-trundle. Waste of resources? Waste of horses! Ooh - wicked thought. Wish one had had the foresight to tell it to one’s Marines. Last-minute change, lads. Special request from your commander-in-chief. Our little secret. Bit of Beethoven, just to get it a-going, then straight into Bonnie Dundee. Kipling knew - by the brand on my withers, the finest of tunes… Triple time. King’s Troop regimental canter. The way of the Warhorse... Bliss! And - off she goes! Hurrah!

No stopping her now. It’s what she would have wanted, eh, Philip?



Note. Sounds best read aloud - in The Voice...

[Nigel Mace]

Oh Ann - we are amused! Brilliant.