[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4289
By J Seery
J K Rowling, the author of the Harry Potter series, recently published a thriller called “The Cuckoo’s Calling” under the pen name Robert Galbraith. We want you to send in excerpts from an attempt at something different from an author of your choice.
Max 150 words by 29 August comp@newstatesman.co.uk

[John Whitworth]

Looks very promising. For a New Statesman Comp that is.

What about this. An old one of mine given a tweak. It could be any manifesto o course but this IS the Staggers.

The Larkin Conservative Manifesto

Elect us! We are Unsuccess.
Elect us! We will give you less.
The misery of Adam's curse
Will be immeasurably worse.

You would be foolish to suppose
That any measure we propose
To ameliorate your children's lot
Will come to pass, for it will not.

Our country's future is confusion.
All hopes of growth are an illusion.
Take courage! Drain the bitter cup.
We promise taxes will go up.

Elect us! We will bring you grief,
The withered rose, the shrivelled leaf.
The Torch of Freedom burned to ash,
And Britain sold for foreign cash.

[Rob Stuart]

Jilly Cooper writes for Doctor Who

The Doctor was holding Arabella tightly against his heaving, masculine chest, and even though they were in mortal danger she couldn’t help but swoon a bit about that!!!
From their super, super hiding place behind the TARDIS' to-die-for designer console (a snip at 9999.99 hyper-credits from Liberty’s of Zaxxar VII, if you must know!!!) they now had the most perfect view of the Daleks searching for them. Arabella thought they looked like absolute poppets with their darling ray guns and those simply blissful little eye stalks, but the Doctor knew better.
‘Make no mistake,’ whispered the handsome Gallifreyan in a way that made her go even more tingly than she was already, ‘these are ruthless alien killing machines.’
‘Not ruthless alien filling machines like you then!!!’ she burst out, making a clever (and rather naughty!!!) little pun.
‘Exterminate!!!’ said the Daleks.

[Rob Stuart]

Brian Sewell does the football results

Aldershot, 3. Dartford, 1. A tiresomely predictable result.

Braintree, a dreary little Essex town that no British painter worth his salt ever considered immortalising on canvas, an entirely unsurprising 0. Hereford, 1. Tedious beyond endurance.

Gateshead, a robust if typically northern 2. Grimsby, in keeping with its unusually apposite cognomen, 0.

Hyde, 3. Southport, though it pains me deeply to say it, 2. The referee, although to my mind he is quite unworthy of the title, was entirely wrong in disallowing the eximious goal from Southport striker Hattersley in the last minute of injury time. The man is an incompetent nincompoop, hopelessly in thrall to the panjandrums of the Football Association and their fashionable, politically-correct rules.

Tamworth, 0. Macclesfield, 0. Incredulity is the only reasonable response of the sane man to such an execrable score, even if he is working class.

[John Whitworth]

I think that is very funny (and very true - God, how tedious football is) but I wonder whether it stays within the rules.

[Rob Stuart]

Moot point, I reckon. We shall see.