[Jayne Osborn]

I'd be surprised if anyone's got a poem already in their repertoire on this topic! But I know it won't be long before some good 'uns appear here

Jayne

COMPETITION NO 175

James Le Fanu [who is one of The Oldie regular columnists] was writing in a recent Oldie about the intelligence of plants. A poem, please, on another side of plant life, entitled ‘Vegetable Love’. Maximum 16 lines.

Entries to ‘Competition No 175’ by post (The Oldie, 65 Newman Street, London W1T 3EG), fax (020 7436 8804) or email comps@theoldie.co.uk by 4th April 2014.

[Jerome Betts]

Well, I have, Jayne, but it doesn't seem to fit the rubric, alas.

[Sylvia Fairley]

Well, oddly enough, I have got one, but I'm afraid it was used for the Spectator comp last June (Chain reaction)

Yes, my ad in Gardeners’ Weekly, where I hint a shade obliquely -
yet with longing - for a soul-mate who’ll consent to share my life
ends my celibate existence, I’ve abandoned all resistance;
every day I dig for victory in my plot to find a wife.

Entre nous, I’ve been a ‘chips’ man, ‘other veg won’t pass my lips’ man,
now a Damascene conversion’s made me yearn to eat my greens,
so it’s calabrese and marrow from the costermonger’s barrow,
winter cabbage, sprouting broccoli with peas and runner beans.

Slicing, sautéing and grating, I can feel myself mutating,
growing leaves as I’m transformed into a vegetable state;
every pleasure life dispenses to a brassica chimensis
seems to sow the seeds of passion and the need to propagate.

Eager for an instant wedding, being raised for early bedding,
germination will be rapid and what’s more I’ll drive away
your proclivity to scurvy. If indeed you’re cute and curvy
you’ve a lifetime guarantee you’ll get your healthy five-a-day.

[John Whitworth]

If it didn't win you can use it. People might be interested in this extract from Erasmus Darwin's 'Loves of the Plants'. Yes, he was the daddy of that Darwin.

The Loves of the Plants

Descend, ye hovering Sylphs! aerial Quires,
And sweep with little hands your silver lyres;
With fairy footsteps print your grassy rings,
Ye Gnomes! accordant to the tinkling strings;

While in soft notes I tune to oaten reed
Gay hopes, and amorous sorrows of the mead.--
From giant Oaks, that wave their branches dark,
To the dwarf Moss, that clings upon their bark,

What Beaux and Beauties crowd the gaudy groves,
And woo and win their vegetable Loves.
How Snowdrops cold, and blue-eyed Harebels blend
Their tender tears, as o'er the stream they bend;

The lovesick Violet, and the Primrose pale
Bow their sweet heads, and whisper to the gale;
With secret sighs the Virgin Lily droops,
And jealous Cowslips hang their tawny cups.

How the young Rose in beauty's damask pride
Drinks the warm blushes of his bashful bride;
With honey'd lips enamour'd Woodbines meet,
Clasp with fond arms, and mix their kisses sweet.--

Stay thy soft-murmuring waters, gentle Rill;
Hush, whispering Winds, ye ruflling Leaves, be still;
Rest, silver Butterflies, your quivering wings;
Alight, ye Beetles, from your airy rings;

[Sylvia Fairley]

No, it did win, John. But I have this hazy feeling that I originally entered it, unsuccessfully, in a slightly different form, in an Oldie comp, then tweaked it to fit the 'chain reaction' brief for the Speccie (last letter of each line, first letter of the next) I have a strong feeling that the Oldie set the vegetable comp about a year ago, or maybe two. Does anyone with a better memory than mine remember anything about this? Or am I just going completely ga-ga?

[Rob Stuart]

You're quite right, Sylvia. Comp 160. I particularly remember a rather dark entry from John which we were all convinced would win but didn't.

[Jayne Osborn]

Ah, but Sylvia, I am living proof that you can win The Spectator and The Oldie comps with the SAME poem!

Jayne