[Jayne Osborn]

No poem required this time. Oh well, never mind; this kind of thing can be fun and I'm sure some of you witty Spherians will feature in the winning line-up!

Jayne

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxThe Oldie Competition
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxby Tessa Castro

Competition no 177
Someone wrote in demanding a competition not in verse. I can’t remember him distinguishing himself in Competition 172, which drew plenty of amusing entries. No matter, here’s another chance. Ambrose Bierce drew up cynical definitions in his Devil’s Dictionary, eg ‘Architect: One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money’; ‘Outdo: To make an enemy’.
In a similar spirit please define: Pension; MP; Holiday; Europe; HS2; Christmas; Estate Agent; Love; Meeting; Television.

Entries to ‘Çompetition no 177’ by post (The Oldie, 65 Newman Street, London W1T 3EG), fax (020 7436 8804) or email comps@theoldie.co.uk by 30th May 2014. Please include your postal address.

[Chris O'Carroll]

Once, at a used book store in Memphis, Tennessee (or possibly across the river in West Memphis, Arkansas), I asked for a copy of The Devil's Dictionary. The clerk regarded me with horror and said, "Oh, we wouldn't have anything like that." Clearly, she assumed I was looking for some sort of companion volume to The Satanic Bible.

[Gail White]

They'll never beat Bernard Shaw's definition of Christmas as a conspiracy forced on a reluctant and disgusted public by the shopkeepers and the press.

[Rob Stuart]

I have heard Christmas described as 'sitting round a dead tree eating nuts out of your socks'.

[Adrian Fry]

I like this comp and will have a go, though it is impossible to match Bierce on form. I think Beachcomber attempted something similar with his Dictionary for Today articles.

[John Whitworth]

Christmas: The Celebration of the birth of Santa.
Love: The triumph of hope over experience.
Pension: A paltry award made to someone who is good for nothing else.
HS2: How green was my valley?
MP: Male Prostitute, though this includes some Females of the more raffish sort.
Europe: Rag, Tag and Bobtail raped by bureaucratic bullshitters.
Holiday: A short unhappy sojourn among rapacious foreigners.
Estate Agent: An enemy destructive of your peace of mind. See Secret Agent.
Meeting: Journeys end in bloody meetings.
Television: A device that brings to your living room people you would never invite to your house.